13 days post-transfer, 1 day until beta test...

i guess it could be considered a good thing that i am busier with work right now than i've been in months... you'd think it would make the time go by quicker as i wait until i have my beta blood test tomorrow. but somehow it is just making me completely exhausted and overwhelmed, and i STILL feel like time is crawling by slower than molasses in january. and while i'm totally exhausted by the time i drag myself home from school each day, i'm somehow not exhausted enough to be sleeping well. no, that would be too much to ask. i'm so tired, i go to bed early, but i wake up a zillion times during the night. i'm so restless. today i woke up at 3:30 and tried for a little more than an hour to go back to sleep, but all i was doing was obsessing over all of the things that i need to get done today. so i got up at 4:45 to start what will be a hellishly long day. tomorrow cannot come soon enough.

i've been taking the pee-stick tests every day and the line is slowly getting darker. i wish it was darker than it is, but i know any improvement is good. other than still feeling dizzy and nauseated most of the time, my other post-transfer symptoms have mostly gone away. i get hit by a wave of sharp cramps every so often, and my nipples are constantly bright red and erect, but otherwise i don't feel hormonal at all. of course i have started driving myself insane... worrying that every single test i've done has been a fluke (i think i've done six at this point) and that i'm going to go in tomorrow and get a negative result on the blood test and kick myself for imagining anything different. i just can't think of anything as a sure thing yet. the hubby asked if we could tell our parents once we get the beta results tomorrow and i had to think carefully about if i was even ready to do that. we decided we will tell them, but that we will warn them that it's still going to be awhile before we're confident in saying that this pregnancy will stick around.

anyway, too much work to do... going to try to distract myself from all of this for another 30 hours or so. and then we'll know... something.

11 days post transfer

i won't mince words. there are really only two things to report.

1) symptoms: mostly still the same. nausea has increased. dizziness has become more of a constant light-headedness. but still feeling pretty much how i did on friday, despite doing practically nothing all weekend.

2) my early detector pregnancy test strips came in the mail.


i've been taking them since saturday afternoon, and...


it's a faint positive line, but it's a line. it's gotten slightly darker since saturday, which is a good sign that the pregnancy hormone is building in my body rather than staying stagnant or disappearing (which could mean maybe something has already gone wrong). so it seems -- speaking SO cautiously -- that i am most likely, at this moment, pregnant. not that this means it's a done deal. at this point in most natural pregnancies, women don't even know they're pregnant, and a lot of people miscarry at this stage without even knowing it. thursday, when they do the beta blood test at the doctor we will have a sense of how strong the pregnancy hormone (HcG) is, but even then it's a wait-and-see. not that i'm being pessimistic! i am very, very happy. this is the best we could hope for at this point. so i'm trying my best to ignore the crappy way that i feel and tell myself it's all for a good cause... the best cause EVER. yes, i will deal with feeling like this for nine months if that's what it takes!!!

for now, i will continue taking a test each morning and hopefully see the line get darker and darker, and thursday we'll have something more definitive to work with. eeeeeeee!

8 days post-transfer

i knew the two-week wait would feel like an eternity in its passing, but that didn't mean i was wishing for additional obstacles to entertain me in the interim. today is day 8. theoretically, implantation should have happened a few days ago, and now we're in the infuriating interval of "maybe i'm pregnant but my body doesn't even know it yet." starting on wednesday, i had a headache, almost constantly. i would take medicine, it would go away for awhile, then come back. then yesterday the headache was joined by nausea. i'm not getting sick, i can still eat, but my stomach just feels mostly gross a lot of the time. this isn't all that much different than how i've felt when taking the progesterone after the IUIs, and now i'm on a much higher dose of progesterone so i figured that's what was causing it. i've also still had cramps, different ones than i had right after the transfer. these ones feel more like period cramps. but i can deal with headache and an icky stomach and cramps. the big worry that i have is that i have been so incredibly dizzy. so dizzy. like, seeing the floor moving in front of me kind of dizzy. not good.

ok -- pause here for an additional, possibly related, piece of information. i went in for bloodwork on monday and again yesterday, just for them to check my hormone levels and make sure everything was as it should be. monday all was well. but yesterday they called to tell me my estradiol level was "lower than expected." estradiol is a type of estrogen, and the estrogen-progesterone balance has to be exactly right in order for a potential pregnancy to be successful. they check it during IVF because with all the messing around with your hormones they do sometimes things don't adjust as they're supposed to so they have to supplement. so i had to start taking an estradiol pill, once a day, from now until they tell me otherwise.

so, back to the feeling like crap. yesterday i left school early because i thought either a) i was coming down with the stomach virus going around school, or b) the out-of-whack hormones were making me feel awful. i came home, slept for a bit, and spent the rest of the night on the couch. and then i felt almost totally fine. i had taken my first dose of the estradiol, so i thought maybe that helped. or maybe i did have some short-lived bug that passed. whatever, i felt okay.

until this morning. i felt ok when i woke up, but by the time i was halfway through my multiple-train, hour-long commute to school the dizziness was back. the headache soon followed, and the nausea came back a bit later. as soon as i got to school i called the doctor's office to let them know what was going on. the doctor said it didn't sound like my symptoms would be caused by any of the medication or hormonal levels. they told me to take it easy today and if the symptoms didn't subside i should call the doctor on-call this weekend. i was only at work a half hour before people started persuading me to go home, so i did what i absolutely needed to and then left, and have been back on the couch all afternoon. the dizziness once again subsided with sitting still, though my head and stomach are still wonky. so i really don't think i'm "sick." of course i could have just picked up a virus, i do spend my days surrounded by germy children, but why would it come and go like that? that's not how viruses work. if i was sick, i'd be sick regardless of whether i'm walking around at work or sitting on my butt watching tv, right? but my stomach hasn't gotten any worse, it actually felt better and then felt the same amount of bad again, but definitely not like i'm sick.

i'm not sure what to make of all this. i know i don't feel well, and i can't help but think that it has something to do with the IVF, either positive or negative. i realize it's too early by most people's accounts to be feeling any pregnancy symptoms, but knowing that implantation already happened if it was going to makes me wonder. and it would be easy for me to blame it on the meds if the doctor thought that was a typical reaction, but now i feel like this is some weird circumstance and maybe it means that this cycle is doomed. i just don't know what to think. but it's hard NOT to think about it when i feel totally crappy any time i stand up. so... i wait. i keep giving myself my two injections a day and taking 7 pills and suppositories morning, noon, and night. i try to ignore the bruises on my belly and legs and the nasty hard spots and soreness in my thighs from the progesterone shots. if i am still feeling dizzy tomorrow i'll call the doctor on-call and see what he/she says, i guess. maybe i'll have to go in on monday for more bloodwork. i also have to decide if i'm going to take a home pregnancy test before my official blood test (called a beta) next thursday. i ordered some super-sensitive early-detector ones recommended by folks on the fertility forums online... but i just don't know if that would help me pass the time or just depress me more if it's negative.

so that's where i'm at. big stuff, huh? man, my life is boring. i really feel like this has become my full-time job now... considering i haven't been at school for a full day since two weeks ago. i worked two partial days last week and either came in late or left early every day this week as well. today i did both. of course i'm working from home when i can, but i am pretty much consumed by this process now. i can't even think of anything else going on in my life to report. that's all fine and good if this turns out well, but if i'm not pregnant i am going to be even more infuriated by the impact this whole thing has had on my life, to no avail. still trying to be optimistic. it's just getting harder, day by day.

embryo transfer

it has been quite a week. yesterday we had the embryo transfer. it was a day 3 transfer, called such because the embryos had been developing for three days since the retrieval. they do IVF transfers on either day 3 or day 5, depending on the quality of the embryos, as i explained in my last post. when we got there yesterday, the doctor explained to us that the five embryos we'd had on tuesday were all still developing, but that two of them had fallen behind and three of them were doing great. those three were 8-cell embryos, which is just what they should be after dividing for three days. the remaining two were only five and four cells each, which means they might continue dividing and be good enough to freeze, but probably not. but still... three out of five isn't bad!

the doctor told us that the embryologist who, (in his words) is "never wrong," highly recommended doing the day 3 transfer and not waiting to see if the embryos would make it to the blastocyst stage. i know this has a lot to do with my age, because it's more likely for younger women's eggs to survive longer outside of the uterus. it would have been ideal to wait until tomorrow and have blastocysts, but... what can you do? we'll just hope that my uterus is a fantastic incubator and they're happy to be back in there rather than in the lab.

i was a little freaked out about transferring three embryos, i have to admit. both doctors (the two institute directors, Dr. K. and Dr. B.) were highly in favor of this approach to maximize our chances of having at least a singleton pregnancy. i get their angle, but i needed to think about my own priorities, too. my goal was not to transfer more than i actually wanted to carry as babies, because i couldn't stand the idea of not rooting for total success. but i had told the hubby the night before that i was hoping for two, but if there was a really good case for doing three, that i would. and even in my valium-induced state in the doctor's office yesterday, i felt the same. he assured us that the chances of us actually ending up with triplets is less than 1%, but i had to be at peace with the idea that if we end up in that tiny percent... i will have three babies. i guess the valium helped, but i ended up saying "let's do it."

the procedure itself wasn't much of anything. i went upstairs to the IVF area like i did for the retrieval, wore the robe and everything again, but then it was pretty much like having another IUI. i was super chill, thanks to the valium, and it went really smoothly and quickly. then they had me lay down for about a half hour, and they gave me the best thing i'd ever seen...



an actual printed photo of my embryos! like a keepsake you get after riding a roller coaster at an amusement park or something. this is probably the most amazing scientific thing anyone has ever shown me. thinking that those tiny little cells were made by me and the hubby together, and that they were now inside my body with the potential to turn into actual people... it absolutely blew my mind. and it's a good thing that i had already decided that i was okay with the possibility of three babies, because as soon as i saw that photo my eyes welled up and i instantly knew that i wanted them all.

insane, i realize. but i don't know how anyone could react any differently, truthfully.

after the half hour rest at the office, the nurse gave me my post-procedure instructions (basically continuing all of the medications i started in prep for the transfer) and sent us on our way. i go back on monday for blood work, and again later next week for more blood work, and then on february 9 for the blood test to see if i'm pregnant. it feels like a long, long way away.

the fertility institute recommends that i stay mostly on bed rest for the rest of the weekend. i definitely did for the first 24 hours... i really only got up to pee. i've read a lot of different things about these post-transfer rest requirements, and i know that many doctors don't think that this is necessary after the first day. so i'm taking their advice about 3/4 seriously. i'm certainly not going to do anything strenuous, but i can't imagine staying on my butt for four days. i went to acupuncture today, because that is incredibly important to me and i know the benefits that i likely received by going negate the fact that i sat on the subway a half hour there and a half hour back. so far other than that i've been following the rule of not being on my feet for more than 15 minutes at a time. the hubby is trying his best to attend to me, but he's not very good at it. i think he wants to be, and he's very serious about me taking it easy, but it's somehow very frustrating to him to have to incorporate extra chores into his day. it's kind of funny to watch.

and there you have it: one full cycle of IVF finished and in the books. obviously i am hoping beyond all hope that this one is all we'll need. but, if it's not, at least we know what it entails now and that we CAN get through it. i'm feeling really happy, really optimistic, and doing a lot of talking and singing to these little embryos and thinking about them finding a comfy place to stick around in my uterus. wishing and hoping...

folks, we have fertilization!

in the shower this morning i was having imagination nightmares that the doctor would call and tell me that there'd been some catastrophic event where my eggs imploded upon the addition of the sperm and that we were back to zero and this whole thing was a waste of everyone's time. if you can believe it, that's not what happened. in fact, we have FIVE fertilized little embryos! it is so strange to think about there being tiny little multicellular creatures made up from my dna & the hubby's, just floating around in the lab at the hospital. but i'm so glad they're there!

from what i've read, it seems like typically between 75-80% of eggs retrieved are fertilized, so we were a little on the low side. but hey, five is five more than i had before. even if they don't all make it to transfer (which they likely won't) it appears that we'll definitely at least have something to work with. i'm actually kind of glad that we didn't prove to be Super Fertilizers, because maybe that's the issue that's been plaguing us all along. with only a couple of eggs at most in these past couple of years of cycles, maybe our stuff just couldn't fertilize... but with the increased odds and with assistance of the lab perhaps we've overcome that obstacle. i'd like to believe that, anyway, to prevent me from going into the transfer with the worry that our issue has been implantation and that we won't be successful this time, either. i know it's best to wipe all of those negative thoughts out of my mind... i guess that's why they've prescribed me valium to take before and after the transfer! ha!

the doctor said we should come in on thursday (day three of the embryo growth process) and we'll see if it's time to do the transfer. he anticipates yes, but if all of the embryos are still developing well, there's a chance they will postpone the transfer until saturday to try to get some blastocysts (the advanced stage of development that has a much better chance of implanting). there's no way to know this for sure until it happens, so we'll just go on thursday expecting that they'll do the transfer then, and we'll discuss numbers to transfer and if there's any good enough to freeze at that time. right now they're just waiting and seeing how things progress. but this is certainly a good start and there's no reason to believe that anything disastrous will happen between now and thursday.

today i feel totally fine post-retrieval, now that the sedative has worn off, and i started the antibiotic and the progesterone oil injection to prep for the transfer. the oil injection is super weird... it doesn't hurt at all, but it is so hard to inject because it's so thick. really strange. otherwise today is a normal day... it's just that there are tiny embryos of mine growing and developing across town. so weird.

egg retrieval!

today they did the egg retrieval, which is the most intensive procedure of the IVF process. we got to the hospital at 6:30, pretty tired but excited. i don't think either of us got a ton of sleep last night due both to the late football game and the anxiety of the situation. i drank about a quart of water right before 11pm since i wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything after that, and of course i had to do the douche... which i do not recommend. so weird! and slightly stinging, which i didn't expect. anyway, this morning they took me upstairs while the hubby went to "gather his specimen" and then sit around and wait for me to be done. i think the whole thing took just over an hour. no sweat!

the procedure was certainly more serious than i ever imagined baby-making would be, but it wasn't as surgical of an experience as my real surgery in the spring, that's for sure. the room was a more hospital-like kind of room than my regular exam rooms, but not an official operating room. there were two nurses and a ton of equipment, i was wearing the robes with a hairnet on my head and the booties on my feet, and they strapped me into the stirrups, which was lovely. the anesthesia wasn't full-on general anesthesia, but a general sedative. basically, i slept through the procedure. the anesthesiologist hooked me up to an IV in my hand and once the doctor (the executive director of the fertility institute, Dr. K) came in and said hello, they started pumping me with the sedative. they told me i would start to feel sleepy and as things got blurry i closed my eyes, said a mental loving goodbye to my eggs, and that was it.

when i woke up the nurse told me that everything went well and that they were able to get 9 eggs! i guess that's about the best we could have hoped for. i know i had 10-12 follicles on friday, but not all of the follicles develop eggs. they took me downstairs in a wheelchair and i got to recover in one of the regular rooms with the hubby. i felt (and still feel) crampy and a bit uncomfortable, and definitely groggy and fatigued from the sedative. i'm spotting a little bit, but that's normal, and otherwise i feel pretty okay.

after i had a few minutes to wake up, the nurse came in to tell me about the next steps. this entailed a lot more than i anticipated at that moment. thankfully the hubby was there and signed all the paperwork as the "responsible adult" who was hearing all the instructions and would be escorting me home and taking care of me. today i just had to rest and recover. fine. tomorrow morning, the doctor will call me to tell me how the fertilization is going and when the transfer will be. and tomorrow all the drugs start, in spurts.

tomorrow i have to start taking an antibiotic and a progesterone oil injection to prepare for implantation. she said the oil is very thick and will be hard to extract from the vial and hard to inject. gee, i'm really looking forward to that. i'm still supposed to take my vitamins and the blood sugar pill that i've been on for the past year.

on wednesday, i also start the progesterone suppositories again. whee, what fun. then there are two other things that i'll start depending on when the transfer is. there's another injection - a blood thinner - that goes in my stomach (that's new!) called Lovenox, that i will start the day before the transfer. and then there's a steroid pill called medrol (methylprednisone) that i will start after the transfer, apparently to keep my body from rejecting the embryo during implantation. i am also getting valium(!) that i'm supposed to bring with me the day of the transfer. and then there's something else i might have to take after the transfer, but they're not sure yet. holy medications. but -- all for a good cause, i know.

right now i just can't wait to talk to the doc in the morning. i'm planning to go into work a little late tomorrow and have an easy day but try to get some stuff done... since i don't know if i'll be back in for the rest of the week. i'm a little anxious already about this whole bedrest after the transfer situation. i have had trouble doing nothing today when i didn't even feel 100%. but i guess when i have greater motivation to do nothing it will be easier. the hubby has been so busy with work that he'll do his best to take care of me and the pets, but he's certainly not going to be home for three days straight so i'll need to negotiate that as it happens, i guess. anyway, nothing to do now but rest and relax and imagine our little eggs and sperms doing their thing back in the lab. science. amazing.

ready to rumble!

it's all happening... holy crow.

when you're doing IVF you're like a VIPatient, it seems. when i went to the doctor this morning i got to have one of the big guys, the associate director Dr. B., do the the ultrasound. he was really pleased with how everything looked. he estimated that i have around 10 appropriately-sized eggs, give or take a couple, and said that we should do my retrieval on monday!!! i think part of me wasn't quite letting myself believe that it would happen this time but now it seems to be a reality. i'm mostly excited, but also a tiny bit terrified. both because of the process itself and because it's just so intense... and there is no guarantee that all of it will be worth the ordeal. but i know it's the right thing for us right now and i am pretty sure i'm ready.

so - here's the logistics. Step 1: monday morning the hubby and i will go in at 6:30. we bring the sperm specimen just like we did with IUI. i'll be put under general anesthesia (ugh) and it should take them about an hour or so to take the eggs out of my ovaries with some kind of superlong needle. they said the length of the procedure depends on how many eggs they find when they get in there, but it should take around an hour. then i'll have to recover from the anesthesia and whatnot for a little bit, and then they'll send me home with the hubby. for the rest of that day i have to take it easy but as soon as i'm feeling alright i can get back to normal life.

Step 2: on monday after the retrieval, they'll fertilize the eggs with the specimen and see what happens with them over a couple of days. they watch them super closely and there are several ways they can intervene if things aren't happening normally. (they can inject the sperm right into an egg, for example.) i think, if i have enough good ones, they may keep some eggs to freeze for the future, and only try to fertilize a few this time. at this time i don't have to do anything, as it will all be happening in their lab. really weird to think about.

Step 3: then, when they have a few healthy fertilized eggs (hopefully!!!), they will do the transfer - which is when they put the fertilized egg or eggs back inside me and hope that it implants the way that it's supposed to. the number that they transfer varies a lot depending on the person and the situation, so we'll see. the number of days they wait before the transfer also varies. Dr. B. said given my age and the number of eggs (not young, and not numerous) they probably won't wait too long. it's sometimes advantageous to wait a bit so that the eggs reach a stage of development called blastocysts, when implantation is more likely. but there's also a risk that they won't make it that long. so his estimate at this point is that the transfer will happen on thursday next week, though it won't be definite until they see how the eggs are doing. the transfer procedure is quick and painless, but i will have to be on bedrest for 2-3 days afterward to allow the egg or eggs to hopefully implant.

so clearly there are still a lot of loose ends and things that can go wrong, but that's the basic way things *should* proceed. this weekend i will be continuing some of my injections: i do the same icky one i've been doing one last time tonight (Repronex) and then tomorrow morning i do the Ganirelix to make sure i don't ovulate early and the Gonal to keep the follicles developing. then tomorrow night i give myself the HcG injection (the ovulation trigger shot) at EXACTLY 6:30pm. the precise nature of all of this is still funny to me. sunday i don't take any drugs, but i have to douche that night! ewww! i've never done that before but i have to do it twice prior to the procedure. i'll certainly let you know how THAT goes. sunday night i can't eat after 11pm and monday morning... we're ready to roll.

90% excited, 10% scared right now. i'm just so glad it's finally time for the next step... let's hope we get to carry it all the way through and see what happens next.

it has been a trying week.

my friend and coworker, a fellow IVF-er who has supported me so much throughout this process, lost her baby on tuesday. she went into early labor and the baby wasn't viable. she lived for about an hour and then she passed. and now my friend, who thought she'd finally found success after years of fertility challenges, is back to square one. i have shed more tears over this than i thought possible. at this stage of the game for me, i just can't imagine the depths of what she's going through... but i know it is hell.

in the meantime, things are going pretty well for me this cycle. at least so far. when i went back to the doctor yesterday they were pleased with what they saw. the doc said it's hard to tell exactly how many follicles there are just from the ultrasound, but that there are definitely four or five good ones in my right ovary, and three in my left and she thought more would develop in my left. so i have stayed on the same meds these past couple of days (4 doses of Repronex and Ganirelix to keep me from ovulating) and i will go back in the morning to see how things look. i'm thinking they should schedule my retrieval pretty soon, assuming that everything is still progressing as it should be. i'm at day 11 of my cycle today, and i've had eight days of stimulation. i feel almost guilty being excited after everything that my friend has been through, but i think i'm starting to see just how unpredictable this fertility journey really is. it's even more complicated than i've lived so far. so i'm thankful for this optimistic upturn in my luck right now. one day at a time.

IVF, attempt #2

after another trip to the doctor, i started the stimulation drugs last thursday. i went in friday morning to see how things were progressing and all looked good: a total of 8 follicles were developing, four good-sized ones in my right ovary and four smaller ones in my left. i continued the meds (four doses of Gonal) through the weekend and went back this morning, hoping to see a huge change. but nothing really had changed. there are still 8, and four of them are still too small. this was frustrating, though the doctor isn't alarmed yet like they were last time. they are putting me back on the Ganirelix (the ovulation-prohibiting drug) to give us more time for stimulation before i ovulate, and changing my stim drug to the Repronex. which, of course, is the one that f*cking hurts like hell. i'm taking four doses of that tonight and four more tomorrrow, and the Ganirelix every morning, and then going back to the doctor on wednesday. by then they should definitely be able to tell if this is going anywhere this time.

i'm trying to remain optimistic, even though i was hoping to walk in this morning and have 15 follicles sprouting. it really does vary from person to person, i've read, and while doctors would like to see 10-12 eggs prior to retrieval there are often more and often less and people do IVF anyway. so as long as the ones i have continue to grow i'd say we'll be fine. but if i end up with just those four in my right ovary and the left side slows down, i'm not sure what will happen. it seems like a lot of risk and money to try it with only four follicles. but maybe this is just the best my ovaries are going to do with this. anyway, nothing i can do now except continue stabbing myself with needles twice a day and update again on wednesday.

ugh. well, while i don't feel like writing any updates i guess i should.

i went, grudgingly, to the doctor last thursday. the doc told me to come that day because it was about a week before the end of my cycle, so we could get me started on some of the meds in prep for theoretical IVF. she said i definitely ovulated last cycle, my ovaries looked great, and i started the one injection that makes sure the ovaries don't start getting ready for next cycle. they also put me on three antibiotics. the nurse told me they often give them to patients prior to IVF just to make sure there aren't any infections that might complicate things. i asked why i didn't get them last time we tried IVF, and she had no answer. she said maybe they're just pulling out all the stops for me this time since it didn't work last time.

so that was that. until i started bleeding sunday night, at least five days before i should have.

stupid me let myself think for about 12 hours that maybe i was pregnant and it was implantation bleeding. the timing was perfect, but the amount of blood wasn't. i have now sadly realized that it is definitely my period, and that this past cycle was just a royally screwed up one... the shortest one i've had maybe ever. i probably ovulated around day 8, which is early even for me. the hubby and i still did a really good job trying, though... we basically had sex every other day until i went back to work last week. so it still could have worked. but it didn't.

this put me into quite a state. i have been thinking (and feeling!) that my body was regulating and that acupuncture and the herbs were helping and that if we had to do IVF my body was so much more ready for it than it was in the past. but it seems like it's still the same old slightly screwy mess it was before. which i guess bodes better for complete medical intervention like IVF than for us trying on our own, so... so be it.

i went back to the doctor this morning. they said my ovaries look fine and normal for the beginning of my cycle, so there's no reason to think that anything weird or bad happened. i stop the ovary-hostage drug today and am starting the stimulation hormones on thursday. we're starting out again with the less powerful one (Gonal) that i took for all of my IUIs. we started that one for my failed IVF cycle, too, but then they bumped me up to the stronger stuff (Repronex) when it wasn't working. hopefully this time it will work, because Repronex is the one that had me in agony (super painful injection, sore and bruised legs). i do two injections thursday morning, two thursday evening, and then go back on friday to see what's what.

and there we are. i'm feeling a bit less likely to hurl myself from my 4th floor office window today than i was yesterday at this time. which is to say i am still incredibly depressed and frustrated to be back on this rollercoaster. but i know it's the right thing to do, because it's the only way we're going to make any progress in this journey. so i press on.

new beginnings

i got my period today. no surprise there, really. we did an okay job trying on our own this cycle, but life has been quite busy and my body has been readjusting to life off of the hormones -- i wasn't exactly sure when i ovulated so we just kind of guessed. turns out that my cycle was on the longer side so i probably ovulated later than i thought. but -- it's ok. i wasn't feeling like it was going to happen during that cycle. but that wasn't coming from a pessimistic place... i am still feeling really good about things.

i went back to the doctor last week so that they could check on the cyst in my ovary and it was completely gone. the doctor said that everything looked great and that if i wanted we could try another IVF cycle. but i told her that we were happy taking a break until after the holidays. and i wasn't disappointed at all. she totally understood and thought it was a good idea to enjoy the holidays and continue taking a breather from the hormones. she told me to call her when/if i got my period so we could try to estimate when i should come in to see about getting things going in january. and before i left, she said, "i just have to tell you... i know this is going to happen for you. i do some ultrasounds and i can see how difficult it will be for some women... but you have beautiful ovaries. so don't give up hope." i guess, coming from a reproductive endocrinologist, being told you have beautiful ovaries is about the highest compliment one can receive. i was thankful for her optimism, and i know she wouldn't have said that if she didn't really mean it.

and i'm optimistic, too. not just about the possibility of trying IVF again in the new year, but even about this new cycle that will play out over the next few weeks. i'm on my winter break and have tons of leisure time and little fun getaway time over the next two weeks. thus, sex will be easily "scheduled" and hopefully plentiful. and my body still feels really good. i didn't have any pms at all. no cramps, no headache. my acupuncturist was so excited to look at my basal body temp chart it was as if i'd given him a holiday gift (which i probably should next week... i am so thankful for all he's done). he said my temps are indicative of a very healthy cycle. this chart looks completely different than the jagged ups and downs of the years i charted before. we have every reason to be optimistic. and we are.

the winter solstice is days away -- the only winter holiday i really celebrate anymore. it's a time of hope and new beginnings: the longest night before the slow return of spring and life renewed. it's perfect timing for me to ovulate and for my quiet time with the hubby. and while i can't possibly know what the new season or the new year will hold for us, i have a feeling that i'm moving closer to my dream of starting a family. and that is a really good feeling.

better than normal

it has been so lovely to be off of the hormone injections. i didn't even anticipate how great it would be. i mean, of course i knew i'd appreciate not having to give myself the shots or go to the doctor all the time, but i had forgotten (or hadn't realized) what it was like to feel normally hormonal rather than super-stimulated hormonal. i am so much happier, calmer, and balanced than i have been in months. in fact, i've been feeling even more "normal" than what i was calling normal before. i give props to acupuncture and therapy for this. and whatever else has helped me to get to this newly positive and relaxed mindset.

i've been reading a couple of books that take a more holistic approach to fertility treatments, addressing a lot of the same things that my acupuncturist discusses with me. i like them because they value both western techniques and traditional chinese medicine and speak to the strengths of both rather than proposing one in exclusion of the other. i see a lot of sense in that. the western stuff is obviously tried and true and proven in many ways, but it is not individualized in any major way. traditional chinese medicine practitioners treat individuals based on a host of factors, including both physical and emotional/spiritual, and focus on the whole body rather than on one particular problem. not surprisingly, fertility issues (like many other physical ailments) are tied to lots of things aside from one's uterus or ovaries.

for example, my acupuncturist knew from the beginning of my treatment that i am -- in his words -- yin-deficient, which means in a physiological sense that the moisture and fluids in my body aren't flowing properly. for years i have been constantly dehydrated and hot when most people are comfortable or even chilly. i thought this was just how my body worked. but in the couple of months i've been going to acupuncture, that is starting to change. and this doesn't just make me feel a million times better on a day-to-day basis (though it really does!), it also speaks to some possible reasons why the fertility treatments i've received so far haven't been successful. obviously fluids and moisture need to be flowing properly for reproductive organs to work and for menstruation to happen as it's supposed to.

in tandem with this, i have learned from one of the books (Making Babies) that my fertility type -- based on their in-depth quiz -- is "Dry." aside from the obvious symptoms in my regular life (the thirst, dry skin, etc.), women of this fertility type often lack the cervical mucus necessary for adequate sperm travel and also don't have success with the ovarian stimulation drugs. clearly we've seen evidence that my body doesn't like the drugs. and -- believe it or not... and TMI or not -- my mucus situation has changed dramatically the past couple of cycles. i really, truly thought i was drying up like an old lady, but suddenly things are, well, flowing again. (i'm sure that my acupuncturist also knows about the mucus issue but THANK THE STARS he hasn't brought that up.) so in addition to acupuncture, which is already treating this issue for me, the book also gives a lot of advice about nutrition and exercise and other general practices that are best-suited to my particular type. since i know that mucus may be a problem for me, i've thought a lot about staying away from foods and drinks that tend to make one acidic, because that can also kill sperm. i am learning so much! and, of course, knowledge makes one feel more powerful, which is a good way to feel in this situation.

i am on a new regimen of herbs specifically to target fertility issues. my acupuncturist is trying to make my cycle longer, since he thinks my very short follicular phase (the time before i ovulate) could be an issue. so i take one formula of herbs from day 5-11 of my cycle (follicular), another from day 12-20 (ovulation and possible fertilization), and the last from day 21 until the end (possible implantation). the hubby and i are trying au naturel this cycle, which has been a LOT of fun for me. remember i haven't been able to have sex around when i ovulate for the past five cycles because we were doing IUI, plus my hormones have been all out of whack so i wasn't really in the mood much anyway. now it feels fun again, and i really do feel that my body is in a very different state and more ready for pregnancy than it was before, so it could happen. i'm not counting any chickens, of course. but i still feel positive.

we've pretty much decided that we won't do any fertility treatments until after the new year. we're even going to go on a little getaway for a few days after christmas. the hubby had a pretty dark and depressed few days last week but i think he's feeling better now. he is an eternal optimist and the reality of our struggles (that i've been feeling for months) just hit him, it seems. but he's on board with acupuncture and the herbs and has even been reading some of the fertility books with me. he's watching his diet, too, and still taking his sperm vitamins. we're doing all we can, and the next few weeks are filled with fun and excitement with family and friends... can't help but smile about that. and i'm sure smiling helps fertility, too, right?

hiatus

got my period yesterday, as predicted, and went to the doctor this morning to see how my ovaries were looking and if we'd be able to start an IVF cycle. alas, one of my ovaries is still a bit out of whack. i have a cyst, which sounds awful but isn't likely threatening to my health. it is just from one of the follicles not doing what it was supposed to. here are some details about "functional cysts," via www.womenshealth.gov:

Follicle cysts: These cysts form when the sac doesn't break open to release the egg. Then the sac keeps growing. This type of cyst most often goes away in 1 to 3 months.

Corpus luteum cysts: These cysts form if the sac doesn't dissolve. Instead, the sac seals off after the egg is released. Then fluid builds up inside. Most of these cysts go away after a few weeks. They can grow to almost 4 inches. They may bleed or twist the ovary and cause pain. They are rarely cancerous. Some drugs used to cause ovulation, such as Clomid® or Serophene®, can raise the risk of getting these cysts.

regardless of what type i have, they won't do any kind of stimulation hormones or procedures this cycle because of this. not even IUI. they want my body to take a complete break over the next few weeks in hopes that the cyst will go away and things will regulate themselves. i am going back on december 8, which will be near the end of this cycle, to see how things look and make a decision about next cycle.

i was slightly disappointed to find out i wouldn't be able to do IVF again. but once i had a few minutes to think about it, i realized i am actually really relieved. with thanksgiving and choir performances and other fun things coming up these next couple weeks, it will be nice to not have to worry about giving myself injections or having numerous doctor appointments. but we'll have a really big decision to make if the doctor says i'm a go for trying IVF in my next cycle, because it would mean canceling some travel plans at the end of the month. then we have to weigh the costs... if we don't do another assisted cycle this calendar year, we lose our remaining insurance money. if we cancel trips, we lose money on airfare and possibly other reservation fees... and, well, our holidays will just suck a lot. is it worth it? i just don't know.

at this point, there's no guarantee of anything. who knows how long this cyst will stick around, or what else might be going on in my ovaries, or if they'll even respond properly if we try another stimulation cycle. so i'd rather take a step back and try to enjoy these next few weeks. heck, i could even have a glass of wine or seven. that sounds almost as nice as not having to stab myself for the foreseeable future. obviously the hubby and i will need to talk all of this over. he's the money man. but he also can appreciate how stressful this whole process has been for us. in any case, we've got a couple of weeks of peace. and i'm going to try my best to not think any further ahead than that.

negative

i wish there was another word for test results that wasn't so... negative.

i had a pretty bad couple of hours yesterday after i talked to the nurse, especially because they messed with my mind. when i called to get my results they asked if they could call me back. no explanation. i waited an hour and a half. of course by then my brain had led me to all kinds of conclusions, the winning one being that i was convinced the doctor was going to call to tell me it was positive. but no... the delay was just because they had to check with the doctor first in order to tell me next steps since i didn't start that medication last week. why on earth they couldn't just tell me the test results and then talk to the doctor and call me back with those details, i have no idea.

luckily, i had acupuncture after school. i walked in there pretty damn depressed but walked out feeling mostly okay. the whole experience is so relaxing, and plus he's so good at talking through things in a way that makes me remember the big picture of my life and happiness. he told me that if i wasn't able to get back to the positive frame of mind that i'd been in the past week or so (after my understandable immediate reaction to the bad news) that i should think about whether or not i want to push ahead with all of this right now. he really thinks my state of mind is the most important thing and good things can only come from good perceptions. i told him i would keep that in mind.

and today? i feel pretty okay. i am disappointed, of course. but i'm still hopeful. i'm not looking forward to attempting another IVF cycle, the medications, all of that discomfort and inconvenience. but i still believe it could work for us and at this point i'm still willing to make those sacrifices.

but -- we'll see what happens. i have to go in when i get my period so that they can take a look at my ovaries and see if things are dormant enough to begin stimulation for IVF. my guess is that i'll go on monday. having stopped the progesterone, i should get my period by sunday... and, if not, i may just go in on monday anyway because i will definitely get it that day. i don't want to delay this. hopefully they'll say we're good to give it another shot this cycle. if that's not the case, i think we'll be looking at post-christmas. i'd rather not wait that long. i'd rather not lose out on the insurance money that expires on dec. 31. but i knew that was a risk. and i'm not freaking out. all good, for now.

herbs

yesterday the china town pharmacy called to confirm my order and told me it would be ready that afternoon, so i took the relatively easy 20-minute trip to pick it up. the pharmacy itself was a pretty impressive place. it looked like an old-school apothecary with floor-to-ceiling drawers, barrels of dried items, and hanging scales for measuring. the clientele was mostly chinese people, but given the prevalence of non-chinese who now receive traditional chinese medicine they had some folks on staff to deal with us english-speakers. my herbs came in granules, all mixed together into one container... that looks like a regular plastic container with a plastic-sealed top. nothing old-school or mystical about that at all. it came with a tiny spoon that is what i'm supposed to use to measure it out: 5 spoonfuls into hot water, two times per day.




this is what's in there:
Shu di huang - Chinese foxglove root
Shan yao - Chinese yam
Mai men dong - ophiopogon tuber
Fu ling - poria (a type of fungus)
Ze xie - type of tuberous stem
Mu dan pi - peony tree bark
Bai zhu - white atractylodes rhizome
Gou qi zi - Chinese wolfberry
Tu si zi - Chinese dodder seeds
Du zhong - eucommia bark (rubber tree)

i did some (minimal) research on each item to see what they're used for in TCM, and overall it seems like all general health stuff. liver and kidney function, yin balance, that sort of thing. definitely can't hurt. when i mix it with the hot water everything dissolves really easily, and it doesn't taste terrible. it doesn't taste good, either. but it's not awful. i can definitely get through it without trouble. so we'll keep this up for the week and by the time i see my acupuncturist again friday afternoon we'll know if i'm pregnant or not. !!!

it's all in my mind... but that's a good thing

i spent this week kind of living in the same state of mind that i was last time i wrote. i've been paying attention to my body and operating on the assumption that i am growing a baby inside of me. it no longer feels scary to give myself that hope. it feels necessary. either for this theoretical pregnancy or another one in the future, it feels like this is the mindset that i need. and i'm listening to that.

in the past i have felt like after the IUI procedure -- or, at least, after the 24 hours or so afterwards -- that it was just a done deal and that all there was to do was wait. it seemed interminable and impossible that there could be such a long period of radio silence from my body when there was no way to know if it had worked or not. but actually, this isn't true at all. of course fertilization should happen within a day or two of the insemination, but it doesn't end there. i knew this, of course, on an intellectual level... but it was never a part of my consciousness during the two-week wait.

this two-week wait doesn't just feel like two weeks of agonizing waiting. i've been thinking all along about what might be happening in my body and believing that it really may be. implantation should be occurring sometime in the past/next couple of days. i've just been imagining it and sort of coaching it along. telling my uterine lining to be ready, telling the baby what a sweet life it'll have if it sticks around, that sort of thing. and visualizing my body being the right environment for all of this to take place. it's a very, very different mindset than i've had at any other time in this process. and i know it may seem silly, or pointless, or like i'm setting myself up for even greater disappointment. but it really doesn't. it just feels right.

it's not that i've noticed anything physical that seems to indicate pregnancy. i have felt about the same as i have any other cycle that we've done IUI, i think. tired from the progesterone. SO tired. some cramps the past few days, mostly pulling/tugging sensations on my lower left side. i've read that some people had those when they were pregnant, but i'm pretty sure i've also had them before. my boobs and especially my nipples are super sore. but that's happened before, too. my stomach feels kind of off after i eat, but that's likely from all the medication. so no -- i don't have any hard and fast reason to believe that this time actually worked. and, to be honest, i don't know if i have much of an intuitive sense that it did, either. i just feel that if it's going to work, i need to believe that it's going to work. and so i am.

yesterday i went to acupuncture, and that was the most encouraging thing that's happened. my acupuncturist was really happy that i decided not to start the Ganirelix, and told me that even though i had told him the doctor's explanation last time that he was dubious about it being the right course of action. he also said that he's had great success with patients who took a break from the medication between cycles and he was in full support of that. i told him that i have been paying attention to my body and taking care of myself, prioritizing well-being over work and stress, etc., but i didn't really explain my whole visualizing and "believing" situation. i guess it felt a little silly. i just said i felt that we had a good chance with this IUI and that i was feeling positive about it.

it all felt like a normal session. but then he listened to my pulses and said that my left one could be indicating pregnancy, but that my right one wasn't clear. and then he sprang into action. my treatment was totally different than it's been before. he told me that he wants to start me on some herbal treatment that will help sustain the pregnancy over the next few weeks if i am pregnant. he called a prescription into a pharmacy in china town for me. the needles that he used yesterday were in some very different places than where he usually targets, and he also did a lot of feeling my kidneys and paying attention to different parts of my body. my hunch is that he thinks i could be pregnant but he didn't want to really come out and say that to me, for obvious and understandable reasons.

and so while i wish i could know sooner if this attempt was successful, i am content with letting things take their course. i may try an early-detection home pregnancy test this week prior to the blood test on friday. but in the meantime... i'm okay. i really am. just help me out and think some encouraging thoughts about my uterus in the next few days, alright?

taking control of my destiny

i believe today marks the day i've moved into a new phase of dealing with this whole process: empowerment. not a bad feeling, i have to say.

i went back to the doctor yesterday so that they could confirm that i ovulated as predicted (i did). when they did the ultrasound it was clear that some of the follicles had collapsed (meaning they hopefully released eggs and then dissipated) but also that i had two follicles that were still big and fat. now, this doesn't mean that they will ovulate. they won't. once the hormone shift happens that's impossible. but it means that this was just a really wacky cycle and that my body is still responding to the medications despite being off of them for days. they told me to come back on friday and that we'd see when it was time to start the ovulation-suppressant, Ganirelix, in prep for my next cycle of IVF. i said, "if i'm not pregnant, we'll do IVF." and she said, "of course. if you're not pregnant." it felt a little bit like that scene in The Princess Bride when Prince Humperdinck is pretending he had sent ships to search for Buttercup's beloved Westley:

Humperdinck: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent.

Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.

it's like the possibility that i could be pregnant from the IUI is all just pretend except in my pretty little head, and everyone else is already assuming we'll do another IVF cycle.

last time i was pretty skeptical, too, and running on the same assumption. well, i'm not letting that happen this time. because, in my pretty little head, i think we have a damn good chance that it worked.

so i did a lot of research about Ganirelix last night and found out (not surprisingly) that you are not supposed to take it if you are pregnant. AND that at a lot of fertility clinics they don't let patients go right from one assisted attempt to another, especially if IVF is involved -- they require women to take a cycle off to get their bodies off of the drugs and start up on the new ones for the next try. on one hand, i'm pleased that my doctors will rush things along. less waiting, more apparent progress. but on the other hand, i don't like the assumption that the IUI was just a feeble attempt to salvage a cycle and that it didn't really count. i also really don't like the idea of taking a medication for a week when i could be pregnant that could have a negative effect on the pregnancy. i didn't even think about it last cycle... i just started using Ganirelix when they told me to and didn't even research it. i assumed they had my best interests in mind. but now... i think the push ahead to IVF might be premature.

so i said no.

i called Dr. B. this morning and we had a nice chat. he repeated some of the things that we'd talked about on friday -- to reassure me, i assume -- and told me that he had checked my hormone levels again from the bloodwork and that my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels were normal, leading him to believe that this cycle was indeed a fluke and that i'd respond better another time, if needed. he also echoed what i'd read online: that many women respond better after taking a "breather" -- a cycle off to let their bodies balance out before starting the injections again. i told him that i wasn't sure if i needed to take a breather, but that i'm not comfortable taking the Ganirelix until we know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. he agreed that this IUI had a great chance of being successful and that if my intuition is telling me not to rush ahead, then we should listen to that. and he said that we can see how my ovaries are looking if i do get my period and assess if it's possible to start an IVF cycle then or not. we'll play it by ear, as they say.

i'm comfortable with this scenario. i realize it might mean losing the insurance money for this calendar year if we can't fit in an IVF cycle before december 31. i'm okay with that. (the hubby is less okay with that, but understands.) the fact that i still have some weird mutant follicles rolling around in my ovaries is not a good sign to me that my body will be ready to start all of that crap again in a couple of weeks. and, honestly... i am feeling really good about our chances of being pregnant this time. i know it's not super likely given that it's our 5th IUI. but let's look at things under a virtual microscope, shall we?

* IUI #1: three follicles, two inseminations: both done prior to ovulation (boo)
* IUI #2: only one follicle (a crazy early developer that they thought was leftover from the previous cycle but were wrong), two inseminations: possibly both before ovulation but timing was ok, they think (i also had a total emotional breakdown the day of 2nd IUI... this was kind of the psycho-emotional low-point of the process) = crazytown
* IUI #3: two follicles, two inseminations: one of the day of ovulation and one the day after
* IUI #4: unstimulated, only one follicle, done prior to ovulation and possibly too early (ultrasound post-ovulation was "inconclusive" in terms of determining precisely when i ovulated)
* IUI #5: three follicles that all seemingly ovulated, one insemination done on day of ovulation

in this light, it's pretty clear to me that these five attempts were not equal. #3 was definitely our best attempt until this last one. and i feel like this one was a really, really good attempt all around, in spite of the frozen specimen and only one shot at it. the timing was absolutely perfect -- i could feel that in my body, which hasn't always been the case. also it was the only time i didn't bleed afterwards, which i attribute to two other important pluses: that one of the best doctors did the procedure, and that i spent the whole day afterwards resting and doing yoga and having acupuncture, generally thinking positively and taking care of myself and even being a little bit superstitious by carrying around voodoo pouches and fertility charms in my pockets. can't hurt, right?

listen, i'm a realist. i am completely aware that IUI just might not work for us because there's something else going wrong that only IVF will reveal. but given the fact that we don't have any concrete reason to believe that that's the case, i'm going to stay optimistic. i am feeling good right now and trying to trust my body which -- if nothing else -- seems to be wanting to break free from the trappings of all of these controlling drugs. those follicles this cycle kept developing regardless of our attempts to slow them down and wait for others to catch up... maybe they were just really determined. i've been trying to picture them saying, "wait -- we've got this. give us one more chance to work on things from the inside." so we'll see. you never know. and if it doesn't happen this time, i will be even more ready to move on to a different route, because I will at least feel that we gave IUI our very best try.

and i feel very confident about my decision not to pump any more substances into my body until we know whether or not it worked. i want to give this one every possible chance of making it. i know, too, that a big part of that is my state of mind, which -- i have to say -- is better than it's been since we started this process. that is one thing that i now feel i really have control of, and i'm so glad.

IUI #5

Today was the day for our fifth IUI. When I went in yesterday morning they could tell that I was close to ovulation but decided to rely on the bloodwork to make the final decision about how to time the insemination. I could tell by how my body felt that it was coming soon. In fact (here's some TMI for you) I have had more cervical mucus this cycle than I remember in quite some time. Like, over a year. I had thought that had gone the way of my younger self! But that, in combination with cramps and my lusting afer random men on tv and the subway, let me know the timing was spot on. The bloodwork obviously agreed; I spoke with the nurse yesterday afternoon and she said we were a go and that I should do the ovulation trigger shot (HCG) as soon as possible. Luckily they had mixed the medication for me that morning (it's a controlled substance so I'm not allowed to mix that one myself) so I had it school and I'm an expert at quick bathroom injections now!

It took a bit longer to prepare the specimen this morning, I assume because it was frozen. I wasn't concerned, first because I'm totally sucked into a book right now, and second because I had already decided (with my principal's heavy influence) not to go to work today. When it was finally time, I was quite pleased to see that they seem to be taking this fifth attempt very seriously. One of the two directors of the institute did the procedure, which I don't think is common. I know those two do the surgeries and IVFs, but there's a team of four other doctors who have done all of my exams, sonograms, and inseminations before today. Dr. B told me he knows I'm probably disappointed That we couldn't do IVF this cycle, but that i shouldnt be discouraged. He said I have five (5!) good follicles as of today, which is obviously great news for our IUI attempt and also not a terrible indicator if we do need to do another IVF try. He thinks, like Dr. K. said, that this cycle just probably isn't my best and since i responded the way i did in previous IUI cycles he believes I could do better in the future. He did the insemination and told me he thought it would be best for me to take it easy today, even more than I have in the past. He was delighted to hear that I wasn't going to work today. He said to do as little as possible so that the sperms can do their best swimming, but that I could resume regular life tomorrow.

It's really nice to know that they're not just going through the motions and treating this IUI like any other. They're taking care to address my emotional needs and to give this insemination the best possible chance to work. Frozen sperm don't live as long inside the body, so hopefully all of our ovulation evidence is correct and some magic will happen today. Luckily I already had acupuncture scheduled for this afternoon, so that will certainly increase the likelihood of magic. It sucks that the hubby's not here to supplement the IUI with a natural attempt just in case. But... it's all better than nothing. I go back Monday for a follow-up sonogram and bloodwork, but for the weekend I am drug- and doctor-free... and husband-free, which mostly means the pets pile on top of me on the couch and I get to watch a lot of bad tv. Not too shabby.

from bad to worse

i have to say i was pretty excited to go to the doctor this morning and see how many follicles were developing after all of these monster doses of meds. the injection last night didn't hurt as badly as the first one, though it still wasn't fun and my leg is quite sore today. i took the advice of some folks online who suggested refrigerating the meds and also letting the syringe sit for a few minutes after mixing it to let things settle. today i still feel like someone has punched me -- now in BOTH legs -- but either i'm getting used to it or it's not as painful.

then again, i'm pretty distracted by the bad news i got this morning.

on monday, if you recall, the doc was disappointed that i only had four follicles developing -- hence the start of the stronger medication. today i STILL only have four follicles. and one of them has continued to develop in spite of me taking the medication that was supposed to halt it. which means that, most likely, nothing else is going to happen this cycle. when the doctor who did my ultrasound/sonogram saw this, she immediately asked how old i am, which indicated to me that my body wasn't responding as it should for someone my age. she said they'd have to look over my records and see, but that they might recommend doing another IUI and waiting until next cycle to try IVF again. four follicles just isn't enough.

this was crushing. i started crying as soon as she left the room, and cried on and off for the next hour. miserable.

then i got to talk to the big head honcho doctor (the director of the institute) again; he looked over all of my charts and said that he definitely didn't think we should do IVF this cycle. he said it would be a waste of money with only four follicles. he said that this response was quite poor for someone my age, so his theory is that this is just a bad month. perhaps if we need to do another cycle, my ovary response would be better. i realize that this makes sense, but it isn't really based on anything other than hopefulness and general statistics about my age. he has no way of knowing that my body won't respond exactly the same way if we did all of this again.

he recommended converting this cycle to another IUI and going from there. since i have four follicles, it's a good opportunity for IUI. i never had more than three. the bad news is that the hubby is going out of town tonight and - based on the size of the one large follicle - the IUI needs to happen pretty soon, possibly tomorrow. so after sobbing my way out of the hospital, i had to run back home to deliver a specimen cup and cryo-preservation consent forms to the hubby so that he could drop off a sample today for them to freeze and have for the IUI. i ended up sobbing some more as i explained everything to him. i don't remember the last time i cried so much. i think it's a combination of the disappointment of having been so hopeful about IVF and also fears that my body is just too old or too dysfunctional for all of this. which makes me worried it won't ever work.

the hubby reminded me if it doesn't ever work that we can still adopt the little korean babies that i often talk about. also true. also viable. but not what i wanted to think about this morning. one thing at a time.

so -- tonight i give myself another painful Repronex injection and go back in tomorrow to see if i'm ready for IUI. if not tomorrow, it will be friday. and then another two-week wait to see if somehow, maybe, the 5th time will be the charm. i will try to remain positive about this. but i won't lie. it sucks. it really, really, really sucks.

stop & go

it has been a miserable 24 hours. i went to the doctor yesterday morning to see how the ovary-stimulation was going. things were happening -- two follicles developing in each ovary -- but not to the satisfaction of the doctor. we want way more than four follicles to work with. so we stopped the follicle stimulating hormone i've been taking (Gonal), which is the one i used for all of IUI, and she told me i would start a different one (Repronex) beginning last night in order to entice more follicles to develop. but, in the meantime, i also had to start taking the anti-ovulation one again (Ganirelix), to stop the development of the four follicles that are already on their way until some others catch up. got that? stop one injection, start one new one, and restart something i'd previously stopped.

ok, no biggie. i do one injection in the morning (Ganirelix) and one at night (Repronex). Repronex has follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) in it like Gonal, but it also has lutenizing hormone (LH). that's another reason why i need to take the Ganirelix, because LH helps to encourage ovulation, which we definitely don't want right now. i'm an expert at doing the Ganirelix now, so i knocked that one out at the doctor's office before hopping on the train to work. had a rather exhausting day and came home to a house full of poop. my dog was apparently having some kind of stomach distress and managed to explode all over the house not once but twice in between the hours of 10 and 6 when he was alone. i spent a good hour cleaning up that mess before rushing off to choir rehearsal. home at 9, scarfed down some dinner, and just had to do my final injection of the day before bed.

so i got everything ready for my first Repronex injection (four vials of powder mixed with one vial of sodium chloride) and planned to do it quickly and get some solid sleep.

OUCH.

in the past only my HCG (trigger) injection has actually felt painful going in. and even that went away not too long after administering it. this one is awful. after recovering from the initial stinging and limping off to bed, i tossed and turned for a good portion of the night without ever actually waking up to figure out why i was so uncomfortable. when my alarm went off this morning and i tried to get out of bed, i couldn't even put weight on the leg where i did the injection last night. man alive. i took pain meds and went back to bed for an hour or so -- not that i slept -- before dragging myself to work.

it's now almost 6pm and my leg still feels like someone punched me as hard as they could. i am dreading doing another injection tonight and making my other leg feel the way this one does. how will i walk around tomorrow? i also seem to have lost my appetite and feel a little bit loopy. at least i get to go to the doctor in the morning to complain. though i doubt they'll have much to say about it. i checked online and it seems that a lot of people who take this medication have had the same issue. so i guess i just have to suck it up and think about the big picture.

tomorrow the hubby leaves for a boys' weekend, so i'll have a few days to myself. it'll be nice to catch up on couch time and to watch whatever i want on TV, while probably nursing my poor, sore legs. i'll have to double-check with the doctor again tomorrow that there's no way we'll need to do the retrieval while he's gone. i'm a little anxious about that. he plays such a tiny role in this whole thing, but it is -- obviously -- quite a significant role. i guess depending on how the follicles are doing tomorrow we'll have a better idea of when the retrieval will actually happen. in the meantime, i'll try to stop whining and tell myself all of this will be worth it someday.