better than normal

it has been so lovely to be off of the hormone injections. i didn't even anticipate how great it would be. i mean, of course i knew i'd appreciate not having to give myself the shots or go to the doctor all the time, but i had forgotten (or hadn't realized) what it was like to feel normally hormonal rather than super-stimulated hormonal. i am so much happier, calmer, and balanced than i have been in months. in fact, i've been feeling even more "normal" than what i was calling normal before. i give props to acupuncture and therapy for this. and whatever else has helped me to get to this newly positive and relaxed mindset.

i've been reading a couple of books that take a more holistic approach to fertility treatments, addressing a lot of the same things that my acupuncturist discusses with me. i like them because they value both western techniques and traditional chinese medicine and speak to the strengths of both rather than proposing one in exclusion of the other. i see a lot of sense in that. the western stuff is obviously tried and true and proven in many ways, but it is not individualized in any major way. traditional chinese medicine practitioners treat individuals based on a host of factors, including both physical and emotional/spiritual, and focus on the whole body rather than on one particular problem. not surprisingly, fertility issues (like many other physical ailments) are tied to lots of things aside from one's uterus or ovaries.

for example, my acupuncturist knew from the beginning of my treatment that i am -- in his words -- yin-deficient, which means in a physiological sense that the moisture and fluids in my body aren't flowing properly. for years i have been constantly dehydrated and hot when most people are comfortable or even chilly. i thought this was just how my body worked. but in the couple of months i've been going to acupuncture, that is starting to change. and this doesn't just make me feel a million times better on a day-to-day basis (though it really does!), it also speaks to some possible reasons why the fertility treatments i've received so far haven't been successful. obviously fluids and moisture need to be flowing properly for reproductive organs to work and for menstruation to happen as it's supposed to.

in tandem with this, i have learned from one of the books (Making Babies) that my fertility type -- based on their in-depth quiz -- is "Dry." aside from the obvious symptoms in my regular life (the thirst, dry skin, etc.), women of this fertility type often lack the cervical mucus necessary for adequate sperm travel and also don't have success with the ovarian stimulation drugs. clearly we've seen evidence that my body doesn't like the drugs. and -- believe it or not... and TMI or not -- my mucus situation has changed dramatically the past couple of cycles. i really, truly thought i was drying up like an old lady, but suddenly things are, well, flowing again. (i'm sure that my acupuncturist also knows about the mucus issue but THANK THE STARS he hasn't brought that up.) so in addition to acupuncture, which is already treating this issue for me, the book also gives a lot of advice about nutrition and exercise and other general practices that are best-suited to my particular type. since i know that mucus may be a problem for me, i've thought a lot about staying away from foods and drinks that tend to make one acidic, because that can also kill sperm. i am learning so much! and, of course, knowledge makes one feel more powerful, which is a good way to feel in this situation.

i am on a new regimen of herbs specifically to target fertility issues. my acupuncturist is trying to make my cycle longer, since he thinks my very short follicular phase (the time before i ovulate) could be an issue. so i take one formula of herbs from day 5-11 of my cycle (follicular), another from day 12-20 (ovulation and possible fertilization), and the last from day 21 until the end (possible implantation). the hubby and i are trying au naturel this cycle, which has been a LOT of fun for me. remember i haven't been able to have sex around when i ovulate for the past five cycles because we were doing IUI, plus my hormones have been all out of whack so i wasn't really in the mood much anyway. now it feels fun again, and i really do feel that my body is in a very different state and more ready for pregnancy than it was before, so it could happen. i'm not counting any chickens, of course. but i still feel positive.

we've pretty much decided that we won't do any fertility treatments until after the new year. we're even going to go on a little getaway for a few days after christmas. the hubby had a pretty dark and depressed few days last week but i think he's feeling better now. he is an eternal optimist and the reality of our struggles (that i've been feeling for months) just hit him, it seems. but he's on board with acupuncture and the herbs and has even been reading some of the fertility books with me. he's watching his diet, too, and still taking his sperm vitamins. we're doing all we can, and the next few weeks are filled with fun and excitement with family and friends... can't help but smile about that. and i'm sure smiling helps fertility, too, right?

hiatus

got my period yesterday, as predicted, and went to the doctor this morning to see how my ovaries were looking and if we'd be able to start an IVF cycle. alas, one of my ovaries is still a bit out of whack. i have a cyst, which sounds awful but isn't likely threatening to my health. it is just from one of the follicles not doing what it was supposed to. here are some details about "functional cysts," via www.womenshealth.gov:

Follicle cysts: These cysts form when the sac doesn't break open to release the egg. Then the sac keeps growing. This type of cyst most often goes away in 1 to 3 months.

Corpus luteum cysts: These cysts form if the sac doesn't dissolve. Instead, the sac seals off after the egg is released. Then fluid builds up inside. Most of these cysts go away after a few weeks. They can grow to almost 4 inches. They may bleed or twist the ovary and cause pain. They are rarely cancerous. Some drugs used to cause ovulation, such as Clomid® or Serophene®, can raise the risk of getting these cysts.

regardless of what type i have, they won't do any kind of stimulation hormones or procedures this cycle because of this. not even IUI. they want my body to take a complete break over the next few weeks in hopes that the cyst will go away and things will regulate themselves. i am going back on december 8, which will be near the end of this cycle, to see how things look and make a decision about next cycle.

i was slightly disappointed to find out i wouldn't be able to do IVF again. but once i had a few minutes to think about it, i realized i am actually really relieved. with thanksgiving and choir performances and other fun things coming up these next couple weeks, it will be nice to not have to worry about giving myself injections or having numerous doctor appointments. but we'll have a really big decision to make if the doctor says i'm a go for trying IVF in my next cycle, because it would mean canceling some travel plans at the end of the month. then we have to weigh the costs... if we don't do another assisted cycle this calendar year, we lose our remaining insurance money. if we cancel trips, we lose money on airfare and possibly other reservation fees... and, well, our holidays will just suck a lot. is it worth it? i just don't know.

at this point, there's no guarantee of anything. who knows how long this cyst will stick around, or what else might be going on in my ovaries, or if they'll even respond properly if we try another stimulation cycle. so i'd rather take a step back and try to enjoy these next few weeks. heck, i could even have a glass of wine or seven. that sounds almost as nice as not having to stab myself for the foreseeable future. obviously the hubby and i will need to talk all of this over. he's the money man. but he also can appreciate how stressful this whole process has been for us. in any case, we've got a couple of weeks of peace. and i'm going to try my best to not think any further ahead than that.

negative

i wish there was another word for test results that wasn't so... negative.

i had a pretty bad couple of hours yesterday after i talked to the nurse, especially because they messed with my mind. when i called to get my results they asked if they could call me back. no explanation. i waited an hour and a half. of course by then my brain had led me to all kinds of conclusions, the winning one being that i was convinced the doctor was going to call to tell me it was positive. but no... the delay was just because they had to check with the doctor first in order to tell me next steps since i didn't start that medication last week. why on earth they couldn't just tell me the test results and then talk to the doctor and call me back with those details, i have no idea.

luckily, i had acupuncture after school. i walked in there pretty damn depressed but walked out feeling mostly okay. the whole experience is so relaxing, and plus he's so good at talking through things in a way that makes me remember the big picture of my life and happiness. he told me that if i wasn't able to get back to the positive frame of mind that i'd been in the past week or so (after my understandable immediate reaction to the bad news) that i should think about whether or not i want to push ahead with all of this right now. he really thinks my state of mind is the most important thing and good things can only come from good perceptions. i told him i would keep that in mind.

and today? i feel pretty okay. i am disappointed, of course. but i'm still hopeful. i'm not looking forward to attempting another IVF cycle, the medications, all of that discomfort and inconvenience. but i still believe it could work for us and at this point i'm still willing to make those sacrifices.

but -- we'll see what happens. i have to go in when i get my period so that they can take a look at my ovaries and see if things are dormant enough to begin stimulation for IVF. my guess is that i'll go on monday. having stopped the progesterone, i should get my period by sunday... and, if not, i may just go in on monday anyway because i will definitely get it that day. i don't want to delay this. hopefully they'll say we're good to give it another shot this cycle. if that's not the case, i think we'll be looking at post-christmas. i'd rather not wait that long. i'd rather not lose out on the insurance money that expires on dec. 31. but i knew that was a risk. and i'm not freaking out. all good, for now.

herbs

yesterday the china town pharmacy called to confirm my order and told me it would be ready that afternoon, so i took the relatively easy 20-minute trip to pick it up. the pharmacy itself was a pretty impressive place. it looked like an old-school apothecary with floor-to-ceiling drawers, barrels of dried items, and hanging scales for measuring. the clientele was mostly chinese people, but given the prevalence of non-chinese who now receive traditional chinese medicine they had some folks on staff to deal with us english-speakers. my herbs came in granules, all mixed together into one container... that looks like a regular plastic container with a plastic-sealed top. nothing old-school or mystical about that at all. it came with a tiny spoon that is what i'm supposed to use to measure it out: 5 spoonfuls into hot water, two times per day.




this is what's in there:
Shu di huang - Chinese foxglove root
Shan yao - Chinese yam
Mai men dong - ophiopogon tuber
Fu ling - poria (a type of fungus)
Ze xie - type of tuberous stem
Mu dan pi - peony tree bark
Bai zhu - white atractylodes rhizome
Gou qi zi - Chinese wolfberry
Tu si zi - Chinese dodder seeds
Du zhong - eucommia bark (rubber tree)

i did some (minimal) research on each item to see what they're used for in TCM, and overall it seems like all general health stuff. liver and kidney function, yin balance, that sort of thing. definitely can't hurt. when i mix it with the hot water everything dissolves really easily, and it doesn't taste terrible. it doesn't taste good, either. but it's not awful. i can definitely get through it without trouble. so we'll keep this up for the week and by the time i see my acupuncturist again friday afternoon we'll know if i'm pregnant or not. !!!

it's all in my mind... but that's a good thing

i spent this week kind of living in the same state of mind that i was last time i wrote. i've been paying attention to my body and operating on the assumption that i am growing a baby inside of me. it no longer feels scary to give myself that hope. it feels necessary. either for this theoretical pregnancy or another one in the future, it feels like this is the mindset that i need. and i'm listening to that.

in the past i have felt like after the IUI procedure -- or, at least, after the 24 hours or so afterwards -- that it was just a done deal and that all there was to do was wait. it seemed interminable and impossible that there could be such a long period of radio silence from my body when there was no way to know if it had worked or not. but actually, this isn't true at all. of course fertilization should happen within a day or two of the insemination, but it doesn't end there. i knew this, of course, on an intellectual level... but it was never a part of my consciousness during the two-week wait.

this two-week wait doesn't just feel like two weeks of agonizing waiting. i've been thinking all along about what might be happening in my body and believing that it really may be. implantation should be occurring sometime in the past/next couple of days. i've just been imagining it and sort of coaching it along. telling my uterine lining to be ready, telling the baby what a sweet life it'll have if it sticks around, that sort of thing. and visualizing my body being the right environment for all of this to take place. it's a very, very different mindset than i've had at any other time in this process. and i know it may seem silly, or pointless, or like i'm setting myself up for even greater disappointment. but it really doesn't. it just feels right.

it's not that i've noticed anything physical that seems to indicate pregnancy. i have felt about the same as i have any other cycle that we've done IUI, i think. tired from the progesterone. SO tired. some cramps the past few days, mostly pulling/tugging sensations on my lower left side. i've read that some people had those when they were pregnant, but i'm pretty sure i've also had them before. my boobs and especially my nipples are super sore. but that's happened before, too. my stomach feels kind of off after i eat, but that's likely from all the medication. so no -- i don't have any hard and fast reason to believe that this time actually worked. and, to be honest, i don't know if i have much of an intuitive sense that it did, either. i just feel that if it's going to work, i need to believe that it's going to work. and so i am.

yesterday i went to acupuncture, and that was the most encouraging thing that's happened. my acupuncturist was really happy that i decided not to start the Ganirelix, and told me that even though i had told him the doctor's explanation last time that he was dubious about it being the right course of action. he also said that he's had great success with patients who took a break from the medication between cycles and he was in full support of that. i told him that i have been paying attention to my body and taking care of myself, prioritizing well-being over work and stress, etc., but i didn't really explain my whole visualizing and "believing" situation. i guess it felt a little silly. i just said i felt that we had a good chance with this IUI and that i was feeling positive about it.

it all felt like a normal session. but then he listened to my pulses and said that my left one could be indicating pregnancy, but that my right one wasn't clear. and then he sprang into action. my treatment was totally different than it's been before. he told me that he wants to start me on some herbal treatment that will help sustain the pregnancy over the next few weeks if i am pregnant. he called a prescription into a pharmacy in china town for me. the needles that he used yesterday were in some very different places than where he usually targets, and he also did a lot of feeling my kidneys and paying attention to different parts of my body. my hunch is that he thinks i could be pregnant but he didn't want to really come out and say that to me, for obvious and understandable reasons.

and so while i wish i could know sooner if this attempt was successful, i am content with letting things take their course. i may try an early-detection home pregnancy test this week prior to the blood test on friday. but in the meantime... i'm okay. i really am. just help me out and think some encouraging thoughts about my uterus in the next few days, alright?

taking control of my destiny

i believe today marks the day i've moved into a new phase of dealing with this whole process: empowerment. not a bad feeling, i have to say.

i went back to the doctor yesterday so that they could confirm that i ovulated as predicted (i did). when they did the ultrasound it was clear that some of the follicles had collapsed (meaning they hopefully released eggs and then dissipated) but also that i had two follicles that were still big and fat. now, this doesn't mean that they will ovulate. they won't. once the hormone shift happens that's impossible. but it means that this was just a really wacky cycle and that my body is still responding to the medications despite being off of them for days. they told me to come back on friday and that we'd see when it was time to start the ovulation-suppressant, Ganirelix, in prep for my next cycle of IVF. i said, "if i'm not pregnant, we'll do IVF." and she said, "of course. if you're not pregnant." it felt a little bit like that scene in The Princess Bride when Prince Humperdinck is pretending he had sent ships to search for Buttercup's beloved Westley:

Humperdinck: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.

Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent.

Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.

it's like the possibility that i could be pregnant from the IUI is all just pretend except in my pretty little head, and everyone else is already assuming we'll do another IVF cycle.

last time i was pretty skeptical, too, and running on the same assumption. well, i'm not letting that happen this time. because, in my pretty little head, i think we have a damn good chance that it worked.

so i did a lot of research about Ganirelix last night and found out (not surprisingly) that you are not supposed to take it if you are pregnant. AND that at a lot of fertility clinics they don't let patients go right from one assisted attempt to another, especially if IVF is involved -- they require women to take a cycle off to get their bodies off of the drugs and start up on the new ones for the next try. on one hand, i'm pleased that my doctors will rush things along. less waiting, more apparent progress. but on the other hand, i don't like the assumption that the IUI was just a feeble attempt to salvage a cycle and that it didn't really count. i also really don't like the idea of taking a medication for a week when i could be pregnant that could have a negative effect on the pregnancy. i didn't even think about it last cycle... i just started using Ganirelix when they told me to and didn't even research it. i assumed they had my best interests in mind. but now... i think the push ahead to IVF might be premature.

so i said no.

i called Dr. B. this morning and we had a nice chat. he repeated some of the things that we'd talked about on friday -- to reassure me, i assume -- and told me that he had checked my hormone levels again from the bloodwork and that my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels were normal, leading him to believe that this cycle was indeed a fluke and that i'd respond better another time, if needed. he also echoed what i'd read online: that many women respond better after taking a "breather" -- a cycle off to let their bodies balance out before starting the injections again. i told him that i wasn't sure if i needed to take a breather, but that i'm not comfortable taking the Ganirelix until we know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. he agreed that this IUI had a great chance of being successful and that if my intuition is telling me not to rush ahead, then we should listen to that. and he said that we can see how my ovaries are looking if i do get my period and assess if it's possible to start an IVF cycle then or not. we'll play it by ear, as they say.

i'm comfortable with this scenario. i realize it might mean losing the insurance money for this calendar year if we can't fit in an IVF cycle before december 31. i'm okay with that. (the hubby is less okay with that, but understands.) the fact that i still have some weird mutant follicles rolling around in my ovaries is not a good sign to me that my body will be ready to start all of that crap again in a couple of weeks. and, honestly... i am feeling really good about our chances of being pregnant this time. i know it's not super likely given that it's our 5th IUI. but let's look at things under a virtual microscope, shall we?

* IUI #1: three follicles, two inseminations: both done prior to ovulation (boo)
* IUI #2: only one follicle (a crazy early developer that they thought was leftover from the previous cycle but were wrong), two inseminations: possibly both before ovulation but timing was ok, they think (i also had a total emotional breakdown the day of 2nd IUI... this was kind of the psycho-emotional low-point of the process) = crazytown
* IUI #3: two follicles, two inseminations: one of the day of ovulation and one the day after
* IUI #4: unstimulated, only one follicle, done prior to ovulation and possibly too early (ultrasound post-ovulation was "inconclusive" in terms of determining precisely when i ovulated)
* IUI #5: three follicles that all seemingly ovulated, one insemination done on day of ovulation

in this light, it's pretty clear to me that these five attempts were not equal. #3 was definitely our best attempt until this last one. and i feel like this one was a really, really good attempt all around, in spite of the frozen specimen and only one shot at it. the timing was absolutely perfect -- i could feel that in my body, which hasn't always been the case. also it was the only time i didn't bleed afterwards, which i attribute to two other important pluses: that one of the best doctors did the procedure, and that i spent the whole day afterwards resting and doing yoga and having acupuncture, generally thinking positively and taking care of myself and even being a little bit superstitious by carrying around voodoo pouches and fertility charms in my pockets. can't hurt, right?

listen, i'm a realist. i am completely aware that IUI just might not work for us because there's something else going wrong that only IVF will reveal. but given the fact that we don't have any concrete reason to believe that that's the case, i'm going to stay optimistic. i am feeling good right now and trying to trust my body which -- if nothing else -- seems to be wanting to break free from the trappings of all of these controlling drugs. those follicles this cycle kept developing regardless of our attempts to slow them down and wait for others to catch up... maybe they were just really determined. i've been trying to picture them saying, "wait -- we've got this. give us one more chance to work on things from the inside." so we'll see. you never know. and if it doesn't happen this time, i will be even more ready to move on to a different route, because I will at least feel that we gave IUI our very best try.

and i feel very confident about my decision not to pump any more substances into my body until we know whether or not it worked. i want to give this one every possible chance of making it. i know, too, that a big part of that is my state of mind, which -- i have to say -- is better than it's been since we started this process. that is one thing that i now feel i really have control of, and i'm so glad.

IUI #5

Today was the day for our fifth IUI. When I went in yesterday morning they could tell that I was close to ovulation but decided to rely on the bloodwork to make the final decision about how to time the insemination. I could tell by how my body felt that it was coming soon. In fact (here's some TMI for you) I have had more cervical mucus this cycle than I remember in quite some time. Like, over a year. I had thought that had gone the way of my younger self! But that, in combination with cramps and my lusting afer random men on tv and the subway, let me know the timing was spot on. The bloodwork obviously agreed; I spoke with the nurse yesterday afternoon and she said we were a go and that I should do the ovulation trigger shot (HCG) as soon as possible. Luckily they had mixed the medication for me that morning (it's a controlled substance so I'm not allowed to mix that one myself) so I had it school and I'm an expert at quick bathroom injections now!

It took a bit longer to prepare the specimen this morning, I assume because it was frozen. I wasn't concerned, first because I'm totally sucked into a book right now, and second because I had already decided (with my principal's heavy influence) not to go to work today. When it was finally time, I was quite pleased to see that they seem to be taking this fifth attempt very seriously. One of the two directors of the institute did the procedure, which I don't think is common. I know those two do the surgeries and IVFs, but there's a team of four other doctors who have done all of my exams, sonograms, and inseminations before today. Dr. B told me he knows I'm probably disappointed That we couldn't do IVF this cycle, but that i shouldnt be discouraged. He said I have five (5!) good follicles as of today, which is obviously great news for our IUI attempt and also not a terrible indicator if we do need to do another IVF try. He thinks, like Dr. K. said, that this cycle just probably isn't my best and since i responded the way i did in previous IUI cycles he believes I could do better in the future. He did the insemination and told me he thought it would be best for me to take it easy today, even more than I have in the past. He was delighted to hear that I wasn't going to work today. He said to do as little as possible so that the sperms can do their best swimming, but that I could resume regular life tomorrow.

It's really nice to know that they're not just going through the motions and treating this IUI like any other. They're taking care to address my emotional needs and to give this insemination the best possible chance to work. Frozen sperm don't live as long inside the body, so hopefully all of our ovulation evidence is correct and some magic will happen today. Luckily I already had acupuncture scheduled for this afternoon, so that will certainly increase the likelihood of magic. It sucks that the hubby's not here to supplement the IUI with a natural attempt just in case. But... it's all better than nothing. I go back Monday for a follow-up sonogram and bloodwork, but for the weekend I am drug- and doctor-free... and husband-free, which mostly means the pets pile on top of me on the couch and I get to watch a lot of bad tv. Not too shabby.

from bad to worse

i have to say i was pretty excited to go to the doctor this morning and see how many follicles were developing after all of these monster doses of meds. the injection last night didn't hurt as badly as the first one, though it still wasn't fun and my leg is quite sore today. i took the advice of some folks online who suggested refrigerating the meds and also letting the syringe sit for a few minutes after mixing it to let things settle. today i still feel like someone has punched me -- now in BOTH legs -- but either i'm getting used to it or it's not as painful.

then again, i'm pretty distracted by the bad news i got this morning.

on monday, if you recall, the doc was disappointed that i only had four follicles developing -- hence the start of the stronger medication. today i STILL only have four follicles. and one of them has continued to develop in spite of me taking the medication that was supposed to halt it. which means that, most likely, nothing else is going to happen this cycle. when the doctor who did my ultrasound/sonogram saw this, she immediately asked how old i am, which indicated to me that my body wasn't responding as it should for someone my age. she said they'd have to look over my records and see, but that they might recommend doing another IUI and waiting until next cycle to try IVF again. four follicles just isn't enough.

this was crushing. i started crying as soon as she left the room, and cried on and off for the next hour. miserable.

then i got to talk to the big head honcho doctor (the director of the institute) again; he looked over all of my charts and said that he definitely didn't think we should do IVF this cycle. he said it would be a waste of money with only four follicles. he said that this response was quite poor for someone my age, so his theory is that this is just a bad month. perhaps if we need to do another cycle, my ovary response would be better. i realize that this makes sense, but it isn't really based on anything other than hopefulness and general statistics about my age. he has no way of knowing that my body won't respond exactly the same way if we did all of this again.

he recommended converting this cycle to another IUI and going from there. since i have four follicles, it's a good opportunity for IUI. i never had more than three. the bad news is that the hubby is going out of town tonight and - based on the size of the one large follicle - the IUI needs to happen pretty soon, possibly tomorrow. so after sobbing my way out of the hospital, i had to run back home to deliver a specimen cup and cryo-preservation consent forms to the hubby so that he could drop off a sample today for them to freeze and have for the IUI. i ended up sobbing some more as i explained everything to him. i don't remember the last time i cried so much. i think it's a combination of the disappointment of having been so hopeful about IVF and also fears that my body is just too old or too dysfunctional for all of this. which makes me worried it won't ever work.

the hubby reminded me if it doesn't ever work that we can still adopt the little korean babies that i often talk about. also true. also viable. but not what i wanted to think about this morning. one thing at a time.

so -- tonight i give myself another painful Repronex injection and go back in tomorrow to see if i'm ready for IUI. if not tomorrow, it will be friday. and then another two-week wait to see if somehow, maybe, the 5th time will be the charm. i will try to remain positive about this. but i won't lie. it sucks. it really, really, really sucks.

stop & go

it has been a miserable 24 hours. i went to the doctor yesterday morning to see how the ovary-stimulation was going. things were happening -- two follicles developing in each ovary -- but not to the satisfaction of the doctor. we want way more than four follicles to work with. so we stopped the follicle stimulating hormone i've been taking (Gonal), which is the one i used for all of IUI, and she told me i would start a different one (Repronex) beginning last night in order to entice more follicles to develop. but, in the meantime, i also had to start taking the anti-ovulation one again (Ganirelix), to stop the development of the four follicles that are already on their way until some others catch up. got that? stop one injection, start one new one, and restart something i'd previously stopped.

ok, no biggie. i do one injection in the morning (Ganirelix) and one at night (Repronex). Repronex has follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) in it like Gonal, but it also has lutenizing hormone (LH). that's another reason why i need to take the Ganirelix, because LH helps to encourage ovulation, which we definitely don't want right now. i'm an expert at doing the Ganirelix now, so i knocked that one out at the doctor's office before hopping on the train to work. had a rather exhausting day and came home to a house full of poop. my dog was apparently having some kind of stomach distress and managed to explode all over the house not once but twice in between the hours of 10 and 6 when he was alone. i spent a good hour cleaning up that mess before rushing off to choir rehearsal. home at 9, scarfed down some dinner, and just had to do my final injection of the day before bed.

so i got everything ready for my first Repronex injection (four vials of powder mixed with one vial of sodium chloride) and planned to do it quickly and get some solid sleep.

OUCH.

in the past only my HCG (trigger) injection has actually felt painful going in. and even that went away not too long after administering it. this one is awful. after recovering from the initial stinging and limping off to bed, i tossed and turned for a good portion of the night without ever actually waking up to figure out why i was so uncomfortable. when my alarm went off this morning and i tried to get out of bed, i couldn't even put weight on the leg where i did the injection last night. man alive. i took pain meds and went back to bed for an hour or so -- not that i slept -- before dragging myself to work.

it's now almost 6pm and my leg still feels like someone punched me as hard as they could. i am dreading doing another injection tonight and making my other leg feel the way this one does. how will i walk around tomorrow? i also seem to have lost my appetite and feel a little bit loopy. at least i get to go to the doctor in the morning to complain. though i doubt they'll have much to say about it. i checked online and it seems that a lot of people who take this medication have had the same issue. so i guess i just have to suck it up and think about the big picture.

tomorrow the hubby leaves for a boys' weekend, so i'll have a few days to myself. it'll be nice to catch up on couch time and to watch whatever i want on TV, while probably nursing my poor, sore legs. i'll have to double-check with the doctor again tomorrow that there's no way we'll need to do the retrieval while he's gone. i'm a little anxious about that. he plays such a tiny role in this whole thing, but it is -- obviously -- quite a significant role. i guess depending on how the follicles are doing tomorrow we'll have a better idea of when the retrieval will actually happen. in the meantime, i'll try to stop whining and tell myself all of this will be worth it someday.