after a rather uneventful couple of weeks, we have some news and a slight update. well, i got my period last week so i am (obviously, again) not pregnant. but this was no surprise and no disappointment this time around. but in more significant news, we finally got the results back from the hubby's sperm dna test. we had quite a hassle trying to obtain this information; the lab had the results last wednesday, but gave him the runaround with return phone calls. finally this afternoon a urologist called him back to discuss the results.
the doc said that the dna results were fine. 2/3 of his sperm are normal, which apparently is... normal. so -- no big awfulness with the sperm, they just don't quite do what they're meant to. it was nice to have a pro look at the results of his first semen analysis also; this doc said that he wasn't really concerned at all about the motility, and that while the morphology percentage is bad, since the sperm count itself is high it's not as bad as it seems. he mentioned a couple of things that could be going on, things i've read a bit about on the internet -- varicose seals and whatnot, but the hubby is convinced all of this is just a plot to get him to come into this guy's office and spend a ton of money. bottom line is the doctor told him he should be taking male fertility supplements (he has been for a couple of weeks now) and that there's really no reason we shouldn't be able to conceive. he also suggested Interuterine Insemination (IUI), which i thought was interesting because from what i'd read online i didn't think it would be a helpful method for us with a morphology issue. but this guy said yes. i feel that i must use a direct quote from the hubby to describe the IUI process, because i just can't say it any better:
"He said that procedure is only a few hundred bucks and would involve me looking at a nudie mag, them "washing" the sperm, then shoving it up your yeehaw."
clearly we'll need to learn a bit more about it, but it sounds promising (and slightly terrifying).
but... i think we have a gameplan for the next couple of months. we'll keep trying as we have been this cycle and next, now that he's on the fertility supplement and we've read a bit of other pieces of advice: that i should lay down for at least 30 minutes after sex, that we should have sex in the morning whenever possible (a.m. sperm is better than nighttime sperm), that he should be exercising more and eating healthy (we'll see how far we get with that!). by january, after 12 tries on this crazy adventure, we'll consider trying IUI if it seems like a good plan.
i like plans.
oh, and we also read that he should be... ahem, expelling sperm every 48 hours or so consistently throughout the month to keep the sperm as fresh and healthy as possible. apparently if they sit around in there they get funky. i thought this could be the key to all of our problems, and told him that we needed to have sex a lot more often. he said, "no... that hasn't been the problem." i paused, knowing full when when we've been having sex and that there have been some big gaps in between my peak times. he repeated, "that hasn't been the problem," and smiled. so i guess he's been taking care of the sperm. sigh. well, he'll have to keep that up!
can you believe this silliness of all of this??? what a riot.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
mid-week update
finally talked to the doc today. life has been way too crazy lately... i completely forgot to call him when he was back in the office on monday and then i did not have a single free second yesterday. but, in the end, the conversation wasn't all that earth-shattering anyway. my hysterosalpingogram results were totally normal, everything seems to be working exactly as it should be as far as my body is concerned.
fancy that.
the hubby had the sperm dna fragmentation test yesterday, and we'll get the results next week. in the meantime, we received a copy of the semen analysis, mailed from my doc's office, and have been trying to decipher it. based on the percentages, his motility is "low" (40%, when it should be 50% or more) and his morphology is "poor" (16% when it should be 30% or more). the lab that did his analysis uses the traditional World Health Organization numbers, but my internet research shows me that there is little agreement these days on the morphology breakdown. it seems that all kinds of newer research in the past couple of decades indicates that a much lower percentage of "normal" sperm is still totally average and viable. in fact, some sites i've found say that normal morphology is 15%, and that most men rate much lower (around 5%!). but i'm not sure if what they're looking at or counting as "normal" is different under those conditions, so... it's a little confusing. we're not sure how to react to this information, exactly. could it be that he actually is "normal?" or is this new perception of "normal" just plain silly, as this doctor: http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/sperm-morphology-mythology.html thinks? i really don't know. his results do say that 72% of his sperm have "head defects," which doesn't sound promising, and from my completely non-medical opinion, morphology seems harder to overcome with fertility "assistance" measures than motility. if all we had to worry about was his little guys getting up to the egg, we could do some kind of insemination, i'd imagine... but if, once they get there, they still can't get the job done because their heads are messed up, well... that's not so hopeful.
so we're still at a standstill for the time being, but i am really enjoying the break from the obsession/insanity. next week we'll have more results, another new cycle of mine should start by the end of the week, and it'll be a brand new day! ... one way or another.
fancy that.
the hubby had the sperm dna fragmentation test yesterday, and we'll get the results next week. in the meantime, we received a copy of the semen analysis, mailed from my doc's office, and have been trying to decipher it. based on the percentages, his motility is "low" (40%, when it should be 50% or more) and his morphology is "poor" (16% when it should be 30% or more). the lab that did his analysis uses the traditional World Health Organization numbers, but my internet research shows me that there is little agreement these days on the morphology breakdown. it seems that all kinds of newer research in the past couple of decades indicates that a much lower percentage of "normal" sperm is still totally average and viable. in fact, some sites i've found say that normal morphology is 15%, and that most men rate much lower (around 5%!). but i'm not sure if what they're looking at or counting as "normal" is different under those conditions, so... it's a little confusing. we're not sure how to react to this information, exactly. could it be that he actually is "normal?" or is this new perception of "normal" just plain silly, as this doctor: http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2006/05/sperm-morphology-mythology.html thinks? i really don't know. his results do say that 72% of his sperm have "head defects," which doesn't sound promising, and from my completely non-medical opinion, morphology seems harder to overcome with fertility "assistance" measures than motility. if all we had to worry about was his little guys getting up to the egg, we could do some kind of insemination, i'd imagine... but if, once they get there, they still can't get the job done because their heads are messed up, well... that's not so hopeful.
so we're still at a standstill for the time being, but i am really enjoying the break from the obsession/insanity. next week we'll have more results, another new cycle of mine should start by the end of the week, and it'll be a brand new day! ... one way or another.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
a nonchalant Round 9! and other stuff.
so... we decided to TTC again this month. to heck with it, right? by the time the 24-hour waiting period following my procedure had ended, it was the night of my first peak fertility day, so we hit that day and the morning following my ovulation window. but i have to say that i don't think this was as much an attempt to TTC as it was just us... getting busy. our sex life has been constrained by rules lately, even more than usual. we had a mandatory abstinence period prior to his first semen analysis, and by then i had my period, and then we weren't allowed to in between when i got my period and the hysterosalpingogram. so... it had been awhile. i don't think this will be a tremendously hopeful cycle, since we're fairly confident now that this whole thing will be pretty damn difficult. but... as least we had some fun, right?
i've also done some non-researchy research about adoption the past few days. since we're in the information-collecting stage. i have a friend from high school who's in the process of adopting a four-year-old girl from russia, and a former colleague/friend from north carolina who adopted a newborn over the summer. both of them have been more than forthcoming about their experiences and have provided me with a lot of food for thought. much like conception has been for us, the reality of adoption is much less romantic than one thinks before learning something about it. of course it's a risk anytime someone decides to become a parent, but the risks with adoption scenarios are kind of terrifying. but. we're not there yet, so i'm just taking in some details and saving them for a time when i might need to process them further.
in the meantime, the hubby and i had a wonderful weekend setting up the house and just generally enjoying one another's company, which was so needed and so appreciated. i feel dramatically better than i did a week ago today, and for the moment am perfectly content to take things as they come and not get caught up in over-dramatizing, over-planning or over-thinking. for once.
i've also done some non-researchy research about adoption the past few days. since we're in the information-collecting stage. i have a friend from high school who's in the process of adopting a four-year-old girl from russia, and a former colleague/friend from north carolina who adopted a newborn over the summer. both of them have been more than forthcoming about their experiences and have provided me with a lot of food for thought. much like conception has been for us, the reality of adoption is much less romantic than one thinks before learning something about it. of course it's a risk anytime someone decides to become a parent, but the risks with adoption scenarios are kind of terrifying. but. we're not there yet, so i'm just taking in some details and saving them for a time when i might need to process them further.
in the meantime, the hubby and i had a wonderful weekend setting up the house and just generally enjoying one another's company, which was so needed and so appreciated. i feel dramatically better than i did a week ago today, and for the moment am perfectly content to take things as they come and not get caught up in over-dramatizing, over-planning or over-thinking. for once.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
sperm test #2
i stayed home today to fully recover from the stupid hystogram yesterday. i slept in and was planning to go in to work late, but i still had some cramping and bleeding so i decided to go back to bed. by the afternoon i felt mostly normal. the spotting seems to have stopped, and i only have an occasional cramp... but then, i'm also ovulating today, so who knows from whence these cramps come?
we also haven't quite decided what to do about this ovulation situation this time around. we're allowed to have sex now that it's 24 hours after the procedure. but... i dunno.
we made an appointment today for the hubby to go in on tuesday for a much more detailed sperm analysis. it's called a sperm dna fragmentation test. basically, it's been shown that the most important factor in the sperm's ability to impregnate an egg and create a successful pregnancy is the amount of damage to the dna of the sperm, or the fragmentation of the actual shape of the dna chain (remember all those twisty ladder-looking things from biology class?). the basic semen analysis only measures quantity, shape, and movement, and sometimes these factors aren't indicative of the sperm's potential. lots of men who have totally normal semen analyses still can't impregnate their partners because of damage to the sperm's dna itself, and men who have abnormal semen analyses find out that even the use of in vitro or other reproductive assistance doesn't help because there is too much dna damage to sustain a pregnancy. the fragmentation test looks for any of those underlying imperfections. if you care to learn about the scientific details, here you go: http://malereproduction.com/male-infertility/scsa/
we've decided if these results aren't favorable, then we won't try to conceive on our own anymore. it's both nice and sad to have that kind of finality. but it makes sense. and we're still not really thinking about anything further than that. and we've actually had a really nice few days. we joke around about adoption, trying to suss out how we both feel about it... and i don't think we know yet. there will be decisions to make in the near future, but as we don't know what they are we've been trying not to dwell on them. he does a much better job of this than i do, but i have to say i've been staying pretty positive. here's hoping i keep it up!
we also haven't quite decided what to do about this ovulation situation this time around. we're allowed to have sex now that it's 24 hours after the procedure. but... i dunno.
we made an appointment today for the hubby to go in on tuesday for a much more detailed sperm analysis. it's called a sperm dna fragmentation test. basically, it's been shown that the most important factor in the sperm's ability to impregnate an egg and create a successful pregnancy is the amount of damage to the dna of the sperm, or the fragmentation of the actual shape of the dna chain (remember all those twisty ladder-looking things from biology class?). the basic semen analysis only measures quantity, shape, and movement, and sometimes these factors aren't indicative of the sperm's potential. lots of men who have totally normal semen analyses still can't impregnate their partners because of damage to the sperm's dna itself, and men who have abnormal semen analyses find out that even the use of in vitro or other reproductive assistance doesn't help because there is too much dna damage to sustain a pregnancy. the fragmentation test looks for any of those underlying imperfections. if you care to learn about the scientific details, here you go: http://malereproduction.com/male-infertility/scsa/
we've decided if these results aren't favorable, then we won't try to conceive on our own anymore. it's both nice and sad to have that kind of finality. but it makes sense. and we're still not really thinking about anything further than that. and we've actually had a really nice few days. we joke around about adoption, trying to suss out how we both feel about it... and i don't think we know yet. there will be decisions to make in the near future, but as we don't know what they are we've been trying not to dwell on them. he does a much better job of this than i do, but i have to say i've been staying pretty positive. here's hoping i keep it up!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
procedures & tests & decisions... oh, my
i had the hysterosalpingogram procedure today, and at a glance it looks like all of my parts are working right. my doctor will get a more detailed report from the folks who did the procedure once they've looked closely at the x-rays, but the doc i saw today said both of my tubes are open and everything looks fine.
right now i'm feeling pretty crappy, physically, but not so bad emotionally. i've been feeling slightly better since therapy on monday, and trying to be more optimistic and focused on the good parts of my life... of which there are many. i was super anxious all day today about having this "hystogram" thing, so i'm psyched it's over. it wasn't all that bad, either. here's how it went, in case you're curious about such things.
i went to a radiology center, you know -- a place where people get mammogams and MRIs and CT scans and all kinds of other tests that allow docs to take pictures of stuff inside you. it was a nice facility and the people were quite friendly and pleasant... a rarity in medical offices in new york. the hubby went with me (at my request), which was helpful because i was all hyped up about it beforehand, and feeling really gross afterwards. the thing i didn't expect is that he actually went into the room with me. i'd imagined him sitting in the waiting room, bored, checking work email on his phone... but he voluntarily came back with me and stayed with me throughout. there are serious perks to this marriage thing -- who knew?
so, after i'd stripped from the waist down, they took me into a room and set me up on a huge table with an x-ray machine suspended above it. it started out very much like a regular gynecological exam: legs propped up, knees covered, etc. there were two doctors (i assume one was a resident... can't imagine this was all that complicated that it required two doctors) who told me how it would work. basically they used a balloon to keep my cervix open so that they could insert a catheter and fill me up with an iodine-based dye. after they'd done that, i had to scootch up on the table and put my legs down flat so that my lower body was right under the x-ray machine. the dye moved through my tubes and uterus so that they could see how if there were any blockages or other abnormal things. the image was projected on a screen next to me (which i checked out when i could) and they snapped a couple of pictures of things. at one point i had to roll my hips to one side so that they could see the other side better. it took less than 10 minutes from start to finish.
it didn't hurt, but i could feel the pinch of the balloon being attached to my cervix (i mean, you can't really miss that) and then a lot of cramping and general discomfort. because my uterus was inflated by a balloon. definitely not something i feel every day. eventaually the balloon deflated itself and came out, which also felt weird. and since then i've just had cramps and bleeding. the bleeding has actually been heavier than i expected; the technician? nurse? said i'd probably experience some spotting, but this is clearly more than spotting. of course it could be that i left immediately after and commuted home by subway, with a husband who walks way too fast for me. probably not ideal. now that i'm stationed on the couch, where i plan to stay for the remainder of the evening, hopefully i'll feel better and the bleeding will stop.
in other news, the hubby and i have been talking about our next steps in light of our newly found knowledge that most fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance. we decided that we wouldn't spend the money to see a specialist right now, because we think we know what we want our next step to be regardless. we want to know if there's something genetically messed up with his sperm, other than the fact that they don't move or look the way they should. i did some research about this and found out that the test we want to have done is called a sperm DNA fragmentation test. i contacted the lab where he had the initial semen analysis done and they said they can do that test, so i think we're just going to schedule that appointment and then make any other decisions from there. because that information will be enough for us to know if we want to keep trying or not. period.
so that's where we're at. i plan to enjoy a night in sweatpants on the couch with takeout leftovers and TV, and see if i feel well enough to go into work in the morning. tomorrow i will call my doctor for the results and to talk to him about our decision about the sperm DNA test. i'm not thinking any further than that yet. one day at a time, right?
right now i'm feeling pretty crappy, physically, but not so bad emotionally. i've been feeling slightly better since therapy on monday, and trying to be more optimistic and focused on the good parts of my life... of which there are many. i was super anxious all day today about having this "hystogram" thing, so i'm psyched it's over. it wasn't all that bad, either. here's how it went, in case you're curious about such things.
i went to a radiology center, you know -- a place where people get mammogams and MRIs and CT scans and all kinds of other tests that allow docs to take pictures of stuff inside you. it was a nice facility and the people were quite friendly and pleasant... a rarity in medical offices in new york. the hubby went with me (at my request), which was helpful because i was all hyped up about it beforehand, and feeling really gross afterwards. the thing i didn't expect is that he actually went into the room with me. i'd imagined him sitting in the waiting room, bored, checking work email on his phone... but he voluntarily came back with me and stayed with me throughout. there are serious perks to this marriage thing -- who knew?
so, after i'd stripped from the waist down, they took me into a room and set me up on a huge table with an x-ray machine suspended above it. it started out very much like a regular gynecological exam: legs propped up, knees covered, etc. there were two doctors (i assume one was a resident... can't imagine this was all that complicated that it required two doctors) who told me how it would work. basically they used a balloon to keep my cervix open so that they could insert a catheter and fill me up with an iodine-based dye. after they'd done that, i had to scootch up on the table and put my legs down flat so that my lower body was right under the x-ray machine. the dye moved through my tubes and uterus so that they could see how if there were any blockages or other abnormal things. the image was projected on a screen next to me (which i checked out when i could) and they snapped a couple of pictures of things. at one point i had to roll my hips to one side so that they could see the other side better. it took less than 10 minutes from start to finish.
it didn't hurt, but i could feel the pinch of the balloon being attached to my cervix (i mean, you can't really miss that) and then a lot of cramping and general discomfort. because my uterus was inflated by a balloon. definitely not something i feel every day. eventaually the balloon deflated itself and came out, which also felt weird. and since then i've just had cramps and bleeding. the bleeding has actually been heavier than i expected; the technician? nurse? said i'd probably experience some spotting, but this is clearly more than spotting. of course it could be that i left immediately after and commuted home by subway, with a husband who walks way too fast for me. probably not ideal. now that i'm stationed on the couch, where i plan to stay for the remainder of the evening, hopefully i'll feel better and the bleeding will stop.
in other news, the hubby and i have been talking about our next steps in light of our newly found knowledge that most fertility treatments aren't covered by insurance. we decided that we wouldn't spend the money to see a specialist right now, because we think we know what we want our next step to be regardless. we want to know if there's something genetically messed up with his sperm, other than the fact that they don't move or look the way they should. i did some research about this and found out that the test we want to have done is called a sperm DNA fragmentation test. i contacted the lab where he had the initial semen analysis done and they said they can do that test, so i think we're just going to schedule that appointment and then make any other decisions from there. because that information will be enough for us to know if we want to keep trying or not. period.
so that's where we're at. i plan to enjoy a night in sweatpants on the couch with takeout leftovers and TV, and see if i feel well enough to go into work in the morning. tomorrow i will call my doctor for the results and to talk to him about our decision about the sperm DNA test. i'm not thinking any further than that yet. one day at a time, right?
Monday, November 1, 2010
dazed & confused
well, it's been a rough week. to be expected, i suppose. as much as i try to rationalize and intellectualize all of this, there comes a point when the denial is no longer possible. and, in my world, that pretty much means that i am on the edge of either tears or a temper tantrum at all times. luckily for those around me as well as my fragile personal possessions, it's mostly been tears so far.
or maybe i was in better psychoemotional health when i used to scream and break things. i seem to be really good at swallowing down my rage as an adult, but who knows how productive that actually is.
the hubby finally talked to the doc today. he never got ahold of him last week due to what seems to be a combination of busy and conflicting schedules as well as a general sense of either apathy or avoidance on his part. somehow, regardless of how busy my days are, i manage to fit in phone calls that are important, but perhaps he operates differently than i do. in any case, they talked this morning. again the doc said we could just wait 60-90 days because that's how long it takes the sperm to go through a complete cycle and totally re-generate, so we might get different results. the hubby said he isn't comfortable waiting because it's been quite some time with us having unprotected sex (which we called "not trying but not trying not to"), 8 months of planning and actually trying, and also his wife is an anxious basketcase. so the doc recommended a specialist... whom we promptly learned does not take any insurance.
no worries, right? we'll just go onto the insurance website and find a urologist that takes our insurance. easy. except that there aren't any within the entire city limit. not a one. so we can either switch to a different insurance plan that we can't really afford, or go to this "highly recommended" guy and spend $425 for the initial session and $275 for every visit thereafter, with tests and procedures extra, of course. meanwhile, i'm still going in for the hystogram on wednesday, which will mean missing work and being uncomfortable at best and (more likely) in a bit of pain and discomfort for a couple of days. PLUS we can't have sex until that procedure is over for at least 24 hours (likely longer since it seems i will feel like utter crap afterwards) and it seems that's precisely when i'll be ovulating this month! so even if we WANTED to TTC and take advantage of the fact that they say you're more likely to conceive after having one of these hystogram thingies, we won't be able to. awesome.
this is the kind of shit it's come down to, which is creating a good portion of my general instability at the moment. money and hassle. i don't want our sex life to be monitored and prescribed. i don't want to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars or take drugs or go through procedure after procedure just to get pregnant. oh, and adoption? by the way, did you know it runs you about $20-30k to adopt a newborn? my insurance will cover a whopping $5k of that. nice, right? and it still takes years, and you have to deal with home inspections and background checks and who knows what else. any old jane schmoe can get knocked up and have a baby and no one gives a shit, but to adopt one that needs a home they put you through the ringer. where's the justice in that?
but honestly... back to the intellectualizing and rationalizing again... i don't even feel as comfortable with the prospect of adoption as i thought i would. of course i'm open to it. but right now it's a disappointing second choice. and i would never, ever want to bring a child into my life while i'm feeling that way. i didn't used to want to have my own children, it's true. i used to entertain the idea of adoption as a wonderful possibility. but i seem to have conveniently forgotten that what made me change my mind about wanting kids was meeting someone with whom i wanted to have kids. plus it's so... complicated. adopting a newborn is difficult and expensive. adopting an older child is difficult in totally different ways. i don't think i'm ready to have a toddler or a young child walking around my house. the idea of having a tiny infant first and growing and changing with that baby seems so much more logical and so... natural. of course it's how everyone imagines it.
it just seems so unfair that it is so hard. which is what has me walking down the street spitting mad at everyone i see who's pregnant or has kids, particularly those that look pissed off about it or are -- gods help them -- yelling at their kids. i have come close to grabbing people's arms and shaking them for being so ungrateful. and the number of freakin' adorable babies and little kids on halloween? torture. positively awful. i didn't realize that i used to look at them and somewhere subconsciously imagine having my own one day. now it's like a stab in the heart every time. trying to unpack and set up our new house when i've always had -- somewhere in the back of my mind -- the vision that it would be the place where we raised a kid or two is like constant, repetitive heartbreak. i sat down in the hallway and sobbed last night when we brought upstairs the bookshelf that has always held my children's books... the collection that i've used for work but have been adding to deliberately the past couple of years for the purposes of my own future family.
i know on some level that it is still possible that things will work out. but i also have to make myself accept that there's a chance that it won't. and i'm just so angry. and so sad. and there's nothing that anyone can say or do to change that, which is why i find myself not wanting to talk to or see anyone other than the hubby. while i don't think he knows exactly know what i'm going through, he is experiencing something similar, i imagine, and is somehow able to understand how upset i am (and when to walk away, lest he get something -- say, a drill -- thrown at his head when i'm having an irrational outburst about curtain rods). i can't expect anyone else to be able to handle me right now.
except my therapist. thank the stars for mondays.
or maybe i was in better psychoemotional health when i used to scream and break things. i seem to be really good at swallowing down my rage as an adult, but who knows how productive that actually is.
the hubby finally talked to the doc today. he never got ahold of him last week due to what seems to be a combination of busy and conflicting schedules as well as a general sense of either apathy or avoidance on his part. somehow, regardless of how busy my days are, i manage to fit in phone calls that are important, but perhaps he operates differently than i do. in any case, they talked this morning. again the doc said we could just wait 60-90 days because that's how long it takes the sperm to go through a complete cycle and totally re-generate, so we might get different results. the hubby said he isn't comfortable waiting because it's been quite some time with us having unprotected sex (which we called "not trying but not trying not to"), 8 months of planning and actually trying, and also his wife is an anxious basketcase. so the doc recommended a specialist... whom we promptly learned does not take any insurance.
no worries, right? we'll just go onto the insurance website and find a urologist that takes our insurance. easy. except that there aren't any within the entire city limit. not a one. so we can either switch to a different insurance plan that we can't really afford, or go to this "highly recommended" guy and spend $425 for the initial session and $275 for every visit thereafter, with tests and procedures extra, of course. meanwhile, i'm still going in for the hystogram on wednesday, which will mean missing work and being uncomfortable at best and (more likely) in a bit of pain and discomfort for a couple of days. PLUS we can't have sex until that procedure is over for at least 24 hours (likely longer since it seems i will feel like utter crap afterwards) and it seems that's precisely when i'll be ovulating this month! so even if we WANTED to TTC and take advantage of the fact that they say you're more likely to conceive after having one of these hystogram thingies, we won't be able to. awesome.
this is the kind of shit it's come down to, which is creating a good portion of my general instability at the moment. money and hassle. i don't want our sex life to be monitored and prescribed. i don't want to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars or take drugs or go through procedure after procedure just to get pregnant. oh, and adoption? by the way, did you know it runs you about $20-30k to adopt a newborn? my insurance will cover a whopping $5k of that. nice, right? and it still takes years, and you have to deal with home inspections and background checks and who knows what else. any old jane schmoe can get knocked up and have a baby and no one gives a shit, but to adopt one that needs a home they put you through the ringer. where's the justice in that?
but honestly... back to the intellectualizing and rationalizing again... i don't even feel as comfortable with the prospect of adoption as i thought i would. of course i'm open to it. but right now it's a disappointing second choice. and i would never, ever want to bring a child into my life while i'm feeling that way. i didn't used to want to have my own children, it's true. i used to entertain the idea of adoption as a wonderful possibility. but i seem to have conveniently forgotten that what made me change my mind about wanting kids was meeting someone with whom i wanted to have kids. plus it's so... complicated. adopting a newborn is difficult and expensive. adopting an older child is difficult in totally different ways. i don't think i'm ready to have a toddler or a young child walking around my house. the idea of having a tiny infant first and growing and changing with that baby seems so much more logical and so... natural. of course it's how everyone imagines it.
it just seems so unfair that it is so hard. which is what has me walking down the street spitting mad at everyone i see who's pregnant or has kids, particularly those that look pissed off about it or are -- gods help them -- yelling at their kids. i have come close to grabbing people's arms and shaking them for being so ungrateful. and the number of freakin' adorable babies and little kids on halloween? torture. positively awful. i didn't realize that i used to look at them and somewhere subconsciously imagine having my own one day. now it's like a stab in the heart every time. trying to unpack and set up our new house when i've always had -- somewhere in the back of my mind -- the vision that it would be the place where we raised a kid or two is like constant, repetitive heartbreak. i sat down in the hallway and sobbed last night when we brought upstairs the bookshelf that has always held my children's books... the collection that i've used for work but have been adding to deliberately the past couple of years for the purposes of my own future family.
i know on some level that it is still possible that things will work out. but i also have to make myself accept that there's a chance that it won't. and i'm just so angry. and so sad. and there's nothing that anyone can say or do to change that, which is why i find myself not wanting to talk to or see anyone other than the hubby. while i don't think he knows exactly know what i'm going through, he is experiencing something similar, i imagine, and is somehow able to understand how upset i am (and when to walk away, lest he get something -- say, a drill -- thrown at his head when i'm having an irrational outburst about curtain rods). i can't expect anyone else to be able to handle me right now.
except my therapist. thank the stars for mondays.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
sperm, etc.
i've never thought or talked about sperm so much in a 24 hour period.
the hubby took the news pretty well. i think somehow he saw it coming. all day i assumed he'd forgotten that we were even supposed to call the doctor, and he never mentioned anything. but when i said i had something to talk to him about last night he knew immediately. he had also said something casually in passing after my bloodwork came back normal. it's true that there's some infertility in his family, but it was female infertility on his dad's side, so i'm not sure he thought that was very relevant. he told me he was glad to know and that he was glad it was at least something tangible with one of us. we had read that a full 1/3 of all infertility cases have no resolution: couples can't get pregnant but they never figure out why. he told me last night he knew that would have been worse (for ME, he said) so he was okay with it being something wrong with him. i can't tell how honest he's being about all of this, and he definitely seemed to have things weighing on his mind, but i tried to get him to open up and that was all i got.
he was not in favor of the "wait and see" approach that my doctor suggested. i explained that the doctor said it could have just been a fluke or a temporary situation, but he said, "but don't the past 8 months count as additional proof that things aren't working?" i said not necessarily, but i saw his point. he thought it was ridiculous to wait when we could run more tests to find out more information (he loves information) so he's planning to call the doc and get some more details. i'm in favor of a proactive stance, so i'm glad that's how he's seeing things as well. both because i feel like we're not getting any younger and also just because i'm tired of waiting and seeing.
but also because i did some thinking/reading after my initial reaction to the results yesterday that has my brain spinning a little bit. i'm nervous about the sperm situation because i'm afraid the abnormalities could be something genetic or chromosomally off that would create a messed up baby if we were to conceive somehow. i don't love the idea of messing with nature. if this is his body's way of saying he shouldn't reproduce, i'm inclined to take its word for it. if tests can show us that there's nothing wrong with the sperm other than they just don't do exactly what they're supposed to, then if there's a not-awful and not-expensive way for us to conceive i would still be willing to give it a try. but if not... it just doesn't seem like a good idea. i explained this to him last night -- only because he wanted to talk about it and asked what i thought... i didn't want to overwhelm him, but he said he was okay to discuss -- and he definitely seems to agree with me. i know we'd both feel awful if we conceived a baby with some kind of major issue when we had an inkling that something might be wrong, so it feels like the responsible thing to do is to have some more tests run to make sure that these results aren't indicators of a deeper problem. i haven't done a ton of reading on the topic yet, but from what i've seen it seems like it could be either case, but they have ways to figure stuff like that out.
that's where i am in favor of science helping us out. i am thankful that we have the means to a) find out what's going on, and b) find out if there's anything we can do about it, within reason rather than just mindlessly TTC for years and years. but that's about the extent of my comfort level with scientific assistance. humans have existed for a long time with biology making big decisions for folks, and i think we'd have a better chance of sticking around longer if we worked harder at continuing that trend. it may sound harsh, but the evolutionary anthropology major in me can't ignore millions of years of hard evidence.
not that it's an easy mental adjustment for me to realize that i have a good chance of not giving birth to my own children. i know i've assumed all along that it would work out for us the way it has for most everyone we know... eventually. even though i have always had a problem really imagining myself pregnant, realistically (which is something interesting to think about...), i somehow had at least an unconscious sense that it would happen. trying to wrap my brain around never being pregnant, never giving birth, never breast-feeding... it's weird after years of my body convincing me that my life would be worthless if that didn't happen. intellectually, i know i am fine with the prospect of adoption. i know that in many ways the hubby and i and our lifestyle would actually be better suited for it. but no matter how often i considered it in the past, i don't think i assumed it was reality. so that's a shift in mindset that i'm going to have to work to get comfortable with. because i know the two of us too well to think that we won't deal with this rationally, and i know that the rational thing -- for us, anyway -- is that if conceiving a baby ourselves will be too difficult or possibly inadvisable, that we're not going to do it. this is a reality.
reality really has a way of throwing you for a loop sometimes.
the hubby took the news pretty well. i think somehow he saw it coming. all day i assumed he'd forgotten that we were even supposed to call the doctor, and he never mentioned anything. but when i said i had something to talk to him about last night he knew immediately. he had also said something casually in passing after my bloodwork came back normal. it's true that there's some infertility in his family, but it was female infertility on his dad's side, so i'm not sure he thought that was very relevant. he told me he was glad to know and that he was glad it was at least something tangible with one of us. we had read that a full 1/3 of all infertility cases have no resolution: couples can't get pregnant but they never figure out why. he told me last night he knew that would have been worse (for ME, he said) so he was okay with it being something wrong with him. i can't tell how honest he's being about all of this, and he definitely seemed to have things weighing on his mind, but i tried to get him to open up and that was all i got.
he was not in favor of the "wait and see" approach that my doctor suggested. i explained that the doctor said it could have just been a fluke or a temporary situation, but he said, "but don't the past 8 months count as additional proof that things aren't working?" i said not necessarily, but i saw his point. he thought it was ridiculous to wait when we could run more tests to find out more information (he loves information) so he's planning to call the doc and get some more details. i'm in favor of a proactive stance, so i'm glad that's how he's seeing things as well. both because i feel like we're not getting any younger and also just because i'm tired of waiting and seeing.
but also because i did some thinking/reading after my initial reaction to the results yesterday that has my brain spinning a little bit. i'm nervous about the sperm situation because i'm afraid the abnormalities could be something genetic or chromosomally off that would create a messed up baby if we were to conceive somehow. i don't love the idea of messing with nature. if this is his body's way of saying he shouldn't reproduce, i'm inclined to take its word for it. if tests can show us that there's nothing wrong with the sperm other than they just don't do exactly what they're supposed to, then if there's a not-awful and not-expensive way for us to conceive i would still be willing to give it a try. but if not... it just doesn't seem like a good idea. i explained this to him last night -- only because he wanted to talk about it and asked what i thought... i didn't want to overwhelm him, but he said he was okay to discuss -- and he definitely seems to agree with me. i know we'd both feel awful if we conceived a baby with some kind of major issue when we had an inkling that something might be wrong, so it feels like the responsible thing to do is to have some more tests run to make sure that these results aren't indicators of a deeper problem. i haven't done a ton of reading on the topic yet, but from what i've seen it seems like it could be either case, but they have ways to figure stuff like that out.
that's where i am in favor of science helping us out. i am thankful that we have the means to a) find out what's going on, and b) find out if there's anything we can do about it, within reason rather than just mindlessly TTC for years and years. but that's about the extent of my comfort level with scientific assistance. humans have existed for a long time with biology making big decisions for folks, and i think we'd have a better chance of sticking around longer if we worked harder at continuing that trend. it may sound harsh, but the evolutionary anthropology major in me can't ignore millions of years of hard evidence.
not that it's an easy mental adjustment for me to realize that i have a good chance of not giving birth to my own children. i know i've assumed all along that it would work out for us the way it has for most everyone we know... eventually. even though i have always had a problem really imagining myself pregnant, realistically (which is something interesting to think about...), i somehow had at least an unconscious sense that it would happen. trying to wrap my brain around never being pregnant, never giving birth, never breast-feeding... it's weird after years of my body convincing me that my life would be worthless if that didn't happen. intellectually, i know i am fine with the prospect of adoption. i know that in many ways the hubby and i and our lifestyle would actually be better suited for it. but no matter how often i considered it in the past, i don't think i assumed it was reality. so that's a shift in mindset that i'm going to have to work to get comfortable with. because i know the two of us too well to think that we won't deal with this rationally, and i know that the rational thing -- for us, anyway -- is that if conceiving a baby ourselves will be too difficult or possibly inadvisable, that we're not going to do it. this is a reality.
reality really has a way of throwing you for a loop sometimes.
Monday, October 25, 2010
results
it has been a time of many results and resolutions. not least importantly, that i got my period today and so (obviously) am not pregnant. again.
but we have learned things. on friday i got my bloodwork results, which showed totally normal levels of hormones and that i did successfully ovulate, yadda yadda yadda. i was a bit suspicious about how consistent these results might be, considering that this cycle i didn't feel the awful physical hormonal symptoms that i often do... but it turns out i'm suffering from equal parts of emotional insanity (which may or may not be caused by hormones), so i'm gonna trust the scientific evidence on this one.
then today we got the results of the hubby's semen analysis. well, i shouldn't say "we." because i haven't shared the results with him yet. this is only because they aren't good results, and i'm afraid he's going to be upset. the doc said he is producing the right amount of sperm, but they move and look funny. well, he actually said "the motility and morphology are off," but whatever. he asked if he smokes or takes any medications or works in an environment where he might be exposed to anything harmful or where he's in high temperatures a lot, but none of those things are true (other than some occasional pot-smoking, which he's stopped since we started TTC... and was never very regular anyway. like, once every six months, maybe.) the doc said those are the big causes, but he obviously doesn't think any of them have affected this situation... so he didn't want to jump to any conclusions or take any drastic steps at this point. he said sometimes these things fix themselves over time, and his recommendation is to wait 60-90 days and then have him tested again. he also still wants me to go in for the hystogram, because he wants to cover all of our bases. so i have to call to make that appointment now that i've gotten my period. joy of joys.
he also said, of course, that this doesn't mean i CAN'T get pregnant, but that if it's a consistent circumstance (if the sperm always look and move funny) that it will make it much harder for me to get pregnant. i don't think any of this has sunk in yet, mostly because i am trying to figure out how to share the news with the hubby. i don't want to call him at a client or tell him over email, but i won't see him until about 9:30 tonight and it feels wrong to wait. unless he's forgotten all about getting the results today... which is very possible. so i guess if he doesn't ask, i won't say anything. if he asks, i suppose i'll tell him... because unless i say "everything was fine" he'll know something's up anyway. who knows... maybe he won't be bothered by it, but i feel like men are sensitive about this sort of thing. plus he knows how upset i've been by this whole situation and i don't want him to blame himself or feel guilty about something that's clearly not his fault.
i gotta say, though... secretly... i am glad that it may have nothing to do with me. i don't know why this makes me happy. it feels mean. plus it doesn't really matter in the long run. if he can't make a baby we are not going to have a baby of our own. i would never want to be inseminated with someone else's junk. we'll adopt and that will be fine. so the turnout for me is exactly the same as if i was the one with an issue, but somehow it feels better that it's not my "fault." which i'm sure is exactly how he would feel, too. man, this is complicated stuff. thank the stars i have therapy this afternoon...
but we have learned things. on friday i got my bloodwork results, which showed totally normal levels of hormones and that i did successfully ovulate, yadda yadda yadda. i was a bit suspicious about how consistent these results might be, considering that this cycle i didn't feel the awful physical hormonal symptoms that i often do... but it turns out i'm suffering from equal parts of emotional insanity (which may or may not be caused by hormones), so i'm gonna trust the scientific evidence on this one.
then today we got the results of the hubby's semen analysis. well, i shouldn't say "we." because i haven't shared the results with him yet. this is only because they aren't good results, and i'm afraid he's going to be upset. the doc said he is producing the right amount of sperm, but they move and look funny. well, he actually said "the motility and morphology are off," but whatever. he asked if he smokes or takes any medications or works in an environment where he might be exposed to anything harmful or where he's in high temperatures a lot, but none of those things are true (other than some occasional pot-smoking, which he's stopped since we started TTC... and was never very regular anyway. like, once every six months, maybe.) the doc said those are the big causes, but he obviously doesn't think any of them have affected this situation... so he didn't want to jump to any conclusions or take any drastic steps at this point. he said sometimes these things fix themselves over time, and his recommendation is to wait 60-90 days and then have him tested again. he also still wants me to go in for the hystogram, because he wants to cover all of our bases. so i have to call to make that appointment now that i've gotten my period. joy of joys.
he also said, of course, that this doesn't mean i CAN'T get pregnant, but that if it's a consistent circumstance (if the sperm always look and move funny) that it will make it much harder for me to get pregnant. i don't think any of this has sunk in yet, mostly because i am trying to figure out how to share the news with the hubby. i don't want to call him at a client or tell him over email, but i won't see him until about 9:30 tonight and it feels wrong to wait. unless he's forgotten all about getting the results today... which is very possible. so i guess if he doesn't ask, i won't say anything. if he asks, i suppose i'll tell him... because unless i say "everything was fine" he'll know something's up anyway. who knows... maybe he won't be bothered by it, but i feel like men are sensitive about this sort of thing. plus he knows how upset i've been by this whole situation and i don't want him to blame himself or feel guilty about something that's clearly not his fault.
i gotta say, though... secretly... i am glad that it may have nothing to do with me. i don't know why this makes me happy. it feels mean. plus it doesn't really matter in the long run. if he can't make a baby we are not going to have a baby of our own. i would never want to be inseminated with someone else's junk. we'll adopt and that will be fine. so the turnout for me is exactly the same as if i was the one with an issue, but somehow it feels better that it's not my "fault." which i'm sure is exactly how he would feel, too. man, this is complicated stuff. thank the stars i have therapy this afternoon...
Thursday, October 21, 2010
cycle 8, day 23
wow, holy hormones, batman.
just as i'm beginning to give thanks for my hormones not wreaking physical havoc with me this cycle (read previous post), i realize that they are totally screwing with my emotional well-being. last night i completely flipped out on the hubby in front of two friends, which he hates more than the average person because he's too sensitive for his own good (see, i can't even be nice about it NOW!). he deserved to be shut up, but i --literally -- yelled at him and caused an uncomfortable scene. when i apologized later i got all worked up and ended up yelling again. this is not my normal demeanor with him, or with anyone, really... at least not anymore. i used to be a loose cannon, in my early to mid-20s. then i learned some self-control. this aforementioned social grace seems to have completely vanished the past couple of days.
today i got roped into going on a field trip at the last minute because a teacher was sick, and while this annoyed me slightly, i handled it fine. i even was totally calm and agreeable dealing with a mob of 3rd graders in a museum for most of the day, as the only experienced teacher who wasn't falling down half-dead and running a fever (have i mentioned my school may need to be quarantined???). but then emails that i'm receiving from friends and my husband about benign and even fun things like planning holiday parties and whatnot are sending me into fits of insanity. thankfully, i'm not yelling at work. that would be irresponsible even for 25-year-old me. but i feel like my blood is boiling, and then i feel like sobbing within five minutes.
it probably also doesn't help that i keep having this insane dreams, which last night included my dearly departed grandmother holding and singing to my baby. egads, body and brain! CHILL OUT!
of course in addition to whatever my hormones are choosing to do this month, i know there's the other stressors in the background contributing to everything. i had my blood drawn yesterday and have to call tomorrow for results. and i have a hunch that part of why the hubby was so out of sorts last night was because of his little "procedure" today. i completely understand him being anxious about it, but -- at this moment, at least -- i cannot tolerate his total ignorance of how much harder this whole thing is for me, and how much harder this entire endeavor is for women in general! he really has no clue. do any men, truly? sometimes i really believe we might be extinct if child-bearing fell on them. seriously.
this afternoon i have the office to myself for the remainder of the day, which is a good thing. i need to chill, probably run out for another coffee, and try to feel like a normal person again. i've got at least three more days until my period comes (or doesn't, but probably does). i might end up locked up by then if i can't get a handle on myself. sheesh.
just as i'm beginning to give thanks for my hormones not wreaking physical havoc with me this cycle (read previous post), i realize that they are totally screwing with my emotional well-being. last night i completely flipped out on the hubby in front of two friends, which he hates more than the average person because he's too sensitive for his own good (see, i can't even be nice about it NOW!). he deserved to be shut up, but i --literally -- yelled at him and caused an uncomfortable scene. when i apologized later i got all worked up and ended up yelling again. this is not my normal demeanor with him, or with anyone, really... at least not anymore. i used to be a loose cannon, in my early to mid-20s. then i learned some self-control. this aforementioned social grace seems to have completely vanished the past couple of days.
today i got roped into going on a field trip at the last minute because a teacher was sick, and while this annoyed me slightly, i handled it fine. i even was totally calm and agreeable dealing with a mob of 3rd graders in a museum for most of the day, as the only experienced teacher who wasn't falling down half-dead and running a fever (have i mentioned my school may need to be quarantined???). but then emails that i'm receiving from friends and my husband about benign and even fun things like planning holiday parties and whatnot are sending me into fits of insanity. thankfully, i'm not yelling at work. that would be irresponsible even for 25-year-old me. but i feel like my blood is boiling, and then i feel like sobbing within five minutes.
it probably also doesn't help that i keep having this insane dreams, which last night included my dearly departed grandmother holding and singing to my baby. egads, body and brain! CHILL OUT!
of course in addition to whatever my hormones are choosing to do this month, i know there's the other stressors in the background contributing to everything. i had my blood drawn yesterday and have to call tomorrow for results. and i have a hunch that part of why the hubby was so out of sorts last night was because of his little "procedure" today. i completely understand him being anxious about it, but -- at this moment, at least -- i cannot tolerate his total ignorance of how much harder this whole thing is for me, and how much harder this entire endeavor is for women in general! he really has no clue. do any men, truly? sometimes i really believe we might be extinct if child-bearing fell on them. seriously.
this afternoon i have the office to myself for the remainder of the day, which is a good thing. i need to chill, probably run out for another coffee, and try to feel like a normal person again. i've got at least three more days until my period comes (or doesn't, but probably does). i might end up locked up by then if i can't get a handle on myself. sheesh.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
cycle 8, day 22
well, the good news is that my hormonal symptoms subsided after a couple of days this month. of course, then i just got normal sick, thanks to the crazy germs flying around my school the past couple of weeks. i was just exhausted and achy for a couple of days, but one half day to stay home and a couple good nights of sleep seemed to do the trick. so i've actually been pretty good at not obsessing about the two-week wait this time around. sadly, i do think this is also because i've convinced myself that something is "wrong," but i'm not terribly upset about it at the moment because i have an Action Plan. so i'm not in a bad place, overall.
i had my blood drawn today to check my hormone levels, and the hubby is going in for his semen analysis tomorrow. i'm supposed to call for the blood test results on friday, so we'll see if that tells us anything. the hubby is really anxious about what awaits him tomorrow; i'm trying to be sympathetic, because i do understand how weird the whole scenario must be, but at the same time it's just so much simpler for him. this one test should tell us everything we need to know on his end. there's so many more things that could be going on with me. but there's no use minimizing his experience, because it's his experience and i know he'll be freaked out no matter what. but i'm secretly excited to hear all the gory details once it's over... i really want to know what kind of "visuals" he'll be provided with to speed the process along! ha!
i had my blood drawn today to check my hormone levels, and the hubby is going in for his semen analysis tomorrow. i'm supposed to call for the blood test results on friday, so we'll see if that tells us anything. the hubby is really anxious about what awaits him tomorrow; i'm trying to be sympathetic, because i do understand how weird the whole scenario must be, but at the same time it's just so much simpler for him. this one test should tell us everything we need to know on his end. there's so many more things that could be going on with me. but there's no use minimizing his experience, because it's his experience and i know he'll be freaked out no matter what. but i'm secretly excited to hear all the gory details once it's over... i really want to know what kind of "visuals" he'll be provided with to speed the process along! ha!
Friday, October 15, 2010
here we go again...
Day 17, 5dpo, and it's the same story again... I feel like crap.
i was all set to not pay attention this cycle. i have an action plan with the doc, i have next steps to look toward... i really wanted not to notice or care about the two-week wait at all. but my body doesn't seem to be in favor of that.
we went out to dinner with the in-laws and another couple last night (friends of theirs that make the dining experience much more fun, truth be told). my stomach had been feeling a little strange since yesterday afternoon (I also spotted a tiny bit yesterday) and by the time my entree was served my appetite had pretty much disappeared. by bedtime I was having that weird, semi-nauseated feeling again, and I woke up at 4:30am with horrible cramps that kept me awake until I had to get up for work anyway. last month they were on the right side, this month they're on the left. now that I'm up and about I feel a bit better, but I have a dull headache and I am so tired I could cry.
ao this is it, I guess. i'm not stupid enough to think these are implantation symptoms or whatever else anymore. clearly this is my hormones being COMPLETELY INSANE. right after my LH surge at ovulation every cycle, when things dip back down or whatever the heck they do, this seems to be what happens. even in a month such as this one, the every-other month that i used to call my "off" month during which i never had a single instance of pms and my period often snuck up on me. there will certainly be no sneaking anymore. i have at least 9 or 10 days to wait for my period, and i anticipate each of them being as uncomfortable and annoying as that waiting time was last month.
how unfair/infuriating/ironic/ridiculous is it that this waited until precisely when i started trying to conceive? talk about timing. i've been off of the pill and monitoring my cycles for almost four years, so i am quite aware that none of this was going on when i was younger. i've watched it get worse and worse for the past year or so. i guess i know that hormones change in your mid-30s, and that's why everyone says it's so much harder to get pregnant after that point. but somehow i thought i'd be immune to all of that. silly me.
at least i'm going for bloodwork on wednesday -- perhaps there will be some kind of glaring red flag right away and we can figure this out. i wish i could have some kind of a magic mirror to know what's going on inside me right NOW, though... i can only imagine the hormonal chaos. we are quite complicated beings, aren't we?
i was all set to not pay attention this cycle. i have an action plan with the doc, i have next steps to look toward... i really wanted not to notice or care about the two-week wait at all. but my body doesn't seem to be in favor of that.
we went out to dinner with the in-laws and another couple last night (friends of theirs that make the dining experience much more fun, truth be told). my stomach had been feeling a little strange since yesterday afternoon (I also spotted a tiny bit yesterday) and by the time my entree was served my appetite had pretty much disappeared. by bedtime I was having that weird, semi-nauseated feeling again, and I woke up at 4:30am with horrible cramps that kept me awake until I had to get up for work anyway. last month they were on the right side, this month they're on the left. now that I'm up and about I feel a bit better, but I have a dull headache and I am so tired I could cry.
ao this is it, I guess. i'm not stupid enough to think these are implantation symptoms or whatever else anymore. clearly this is my hormones being COMPLETELY INSANE. right after my LH surge at ovulation every cycle, when things dip back down or whatever the heck they do, this seems to be what happens. even in a month such as this one, the every-other month that i used to call my "off" month during which i never had a single instance of pms and my period often snuck up on me. there will certainly be no sneaking anymore. i have at least 9 or 10 days to wait for my period, and i anticipate each of them being as uncomfortable and annoying as that waiting time was last month.
how unfair/infuriating/ironic/ridiculous is it that this waited until precisely when i started trying to conceive? talk about timing. i've been off of the pill and monitoring my cycles for almost four years, so i am quite aware that none of this was going on when i was younger. i've watched it get worse and worse for the past year or so. i guess i know that hormones change in your mid-30s, and that's why everyone says it's so much harder to get pregnant after that point. but somehow i thought i'd be immune to all of that. silly me.
at least i'm going for bloodwork on wednesday -- perhaps there will be some kind of glaring red flag right away and we can figure this out. i wish i could have some kind of a magic mirror to know what's going on inside me right NOW, though... i can only imagine the hormonal chaos. we are quite complicated beings, aren't we?
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
"infertility"
it is incredibly disheartening to read the word "infertility" scrawled in my gynecologist's pen at the bottom of a medical form, but along with this comes a feeling of relief. i am a doer. i hate nothing more than sitting around, feeling out of control, waiting for things to happen. and so now, after seven months of TTC, my doctor has stepped in.
i adore my gynecologist. if every doctor operated the way that he does, people wouldn't complain about the medical industry the way that they do. this is why i still schlep my way to the upper east side despite having moved to brooklyn six years ago; you can't find doctors like this just anywhere. his bedside manner is genuine and kind without it becoming coddling. if you have a question or concern, you can -- get this -- call him on the phone! if he's not available right then, he calls back by the end of the day. so i feel completely content having turned to him in my hour of need and i trust that he'll do what's best for me. i have no idea what i'll do when/if i actually get pregnant, as traveling so far out of my way so often (particularly when i'm fat and unhappy) is probably unwise. but i'll cross that bridge later.
as expected, he was happy to listen to my concerns and not at all dismissive of them, and was very matter-of-fact about our next steps. he said that everything looked fine in my regular exam, which is -- of course -- good. then we talked strategy.
1) the fact that my ovulation monitor has given me a positive reading each month is a good sign that i'm ovulating. he's not concerned about this being an issue.
2) next most important concern: the hubby needs to have a semen analysis. he gave me a "prescription" for him to take to a nearby lab and said we should do that as soon as possible.
3) a week from today i go back for bloodwork. he said we need to wait until well after my ovulation time to be able to get an accurate reading of my hormone situation, so today was too soon (Day 15, 3dpo).
4) if i'm not pregnant this time, i need to make an appointment for a hystogram (hysterosalpingogram) at the start of my next cycle. that, i learned today, is an outpatient hospital procedure in which dye is injected into the cervix so that they can see if my tubes are open and functional. i am not looking forward to this. however, i have read that -- assuming all is normal -- you actually have a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant the month that you have the hystogram done because it opens the tubes up more and clears stuff out. so there's that.
in the meantime, he'll let me know how my regular pap smear looks (we assume fine and normal), and he said i should get in touch with him as each of these steps are taken care of so that we can see how things are going. he agreed that seven months at my age is nothing to sneeze at and he seemed glad that i came in to start things rolling. so i'm feeling good about the process right now.
even though he wrote in the diagnosis section of the forms: "infertility." surely that's not a definite diagnosis.
and of course i'm hoping that none of this will be necessary in the end because i'll (fingers crossed!) end up pregnant this time around! we did a very thorough job of trying this cycle, and i'm feeling optimistic.
ovulation days: 11, 12
attempts: days 9, 10, 12, 13
and at least this is an "off" month for my insane pms, so regardless of how things turn out hopefully i won't end up in agony again. well... at least not physical agony. another unsuccessful month will be frustrating, but i will try to focus on our action plan. i like plans. i like action. it'll all be ok.
i adore my gynecologist. if every doctor operated the way that he does, people wouldn't complain about the medical industry the way that they do. this is why i still schlep my way to the upper east side despite having moved to brooklyn six years ago; you can't find doctors like this just anywhere. his bedside manner is genuine and kind without it becoming coddling. if you have a question or concern, you can -- get this -- call him on the phone! if he's not available right then, he calls back by the end of the day. so i feel completely content having turned to him in my hour of need and i trust that he'll do what's best for me. i have no idea what i'll do when/if i actually get pregnant, as traveling so far out of my way so often (particularly when i'm fat and unhappy) is probably unwise. but i'll cross that bridge later.
as expected, he was happy to listen to my concerns and not at all dismissive of them, and was very matter-of-fact about our next steps. he said that everything looked fine in my regular exam, which is -- of course -- good. then we talked strategy.
1) the fact that my ovulation monitor has given me a positive reading each month is a good sign that i'm ovulating. he's not concerned about this being an issue.
2) next most important concern: the hubby needs to have a semen analysis. he gave me a "prescription" for him to take to a nearby lab and said we should do that as soon as possible.
3) a week from today i go back for bloodwork. he said we need to wait until well after my ovulation time to be able to get an accurate reading of my hormone situation, so today was too soon (Day 15, 3dpo).
4) if i'm not pregnant this time, i need to make an appointment for a hystogram (hysterosalpingogram) at the start of my next cycle. that, i learned today, is an outpatient hospital procedure in which dye is injected into the cervix so that they can see if my tubes are open and functional. i am not looking forward to this. however, i have read that -- assuming all is normal -- you actually have a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant the month that you have the hystogram done because it opens the tubes up more and clears stuff out. so there's that.
in the meantime, he'll let me know how my regular pap smear looks (we assume fine and normal), and he said i should get in touch with him as each of these steps are taken care of so that we can see how things are going. he agreed that seven months at my age is nothing to sneeze at and he seemed glad that i came in to start things rolling. so i'm feeling good about the process right now.
even though he wrote in the diagnosis section of the forms: "infertility." surely that's not a definite diagnosis.
and of course i'm hoping that none of this will be necessary in the end because i'll (fingers crossed!) end up pregnant this time around! we did a very thorough job of trying this cycle, and i'm feeling optimistic.
ovulation days: 11, 12
attempts: days 9, 10, 12, 13
and at least this is an "off" month for my insane pms, so regardless of how things turn out hopefully i won't end up in agony again. well... at least not physical agony. another unsuccessful month will be frustrating, but i will try to focus on our action plan. i like plans. i like action. it'll all be ok.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Cycle 8, Day 10
i've done a pretty good job not getting down for the past couple of weeks. it's been busy, i had my birthday celebration plus renovation insanity (it's almost done!!!) plus general busy-ness at school. but this week began my fertile time, so we're back on the metaphorical horse. what's frustrating today, though, is that the ovulation monitor gave me my 3rd straight high fertility day with no sign of ovulation. usually two days is the most i get before my peak days, but i'm hoping it's not a big deal and this is just a later ovulating month. it's more typical for it to happen around day 10, but days 11-13 have happened, so i'm not panicked... yet.
meanwhile, we're prepping for a long weekend in florida with my family, during which the hubby and i'll be staying in a hotel and hopefully have some good, relaxing alone time that we haven't had in as long as we can remember. the last time we traveled together was last january when we visited the in-laws, which isn't exactly the most peaceful vacation. and while this still won't be a dream getaway, it will be nicer than sleeping amidst sheetrock dust with contractors waking us up at 8am to install cabinets. if ovulation can wait until i have a beachfront soundtrack out the window... all the better.
meanwhile, we're prepping for a long weekend in florida with my family, during which the hubby and i'll be staying in a hotel and hopefully have some good, relaxing alone time that we haven't had in as long as we can remember. the last time we traveled together was last january when we visited the in-laws, which isn't exactly the most peaceful vacation. and while this still won't be a dream getaway, it will be nicer than sleeping amidst sheetrock dust with contractors waking us up at 8am to install cabinets. if ovulation can wait until i have a beachfront soundtrack out the window... all the better.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
cycle 8, day 1
sigh.
i got my period this morning after a night of little sleep due to the intense amount of both pain and anxiety i was feeling. i wanted so badly to believe that the spotting i had yesterday was implantation bleeding, but deep inside i knew it wasn't. i woke up about a zillion times during the night with awful cramps and nausea. and, sure enough, my period came on full force this morning. i've never had pms like this in my life until the past year or so. it is so frustrating, but i guess i have to shift my understanding of what's normal. suddenly, feeling shitty all the time seems to be what's normal for me. pretty infuriating.
so i look on the bright side, what little there is. i'm having a birthday party this weekend, and unlike on my actual birthday on sunday i will be DRINKING. and next weekend will likely be when i'm ovulating, and the hubby and i will be in florida for several days for a family wedding... which will provide much nicer accommodations for TTC than our last few tries in the construction zone. so. bright side it is. at least i'm trying.
i got my period this morning after a night of little sleep due to the intense amount of both pain and anxiety i was feeling. i wanted so badly to believe that the spotting i had yesterday was implantation bleeding, but deep inside i knew it wasn't. i woke up about a zillion times during the night with awful cramps and nausea. and, sure enough, my period came on full force this morning. i've never had pms like this in my life until the past year or so. it is so frustrating, but i guess i have to shift my understanding of what's normal. suddenly, feeling shitty all the time seems to be what's normal for me. pretty infuriating.
so i look on the bright side, what little there is. i'm having a birthday party this weekend, and unlike on my actual birthday on sunday i will be DRINKING. and next weekend will likely be when i'm ovulating, and the hubby and i will be in florida for several days for a family wedding... which will provide much nicer accommodations for TTC than our last few tries in the construction zone. so. bright side it is. at least i'm trying.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
cycle 7, day 25
today is a dark day.
first of all, i feel like crap. complete and utter crap. a headache that won't respond to drugs, cramps, crabbiness, the whole nine yards. it doesn't exactly feel like pms, in fact, other than the headache it's not my usual pms at all. my boobs aren't the slightest bit sore, which is usually my biggest (pun intended) telltale sign.
and yet... i started spotting this morning.
damn it, damn it, damn it.
of course i can tell myself it's implantation bleeding, as i have in other months. but i realize how uncommon that actually is. it is much more likely that my period will kick into gear tomorrow morning, right on schedule. and i'm so pissed. for the obvious reasons -- if i'm not pregnant again.... you know. but also because i am incredibly frustrated by the way i've felt the past couple of weeks. i am experiencing symptoms -- that i know i'm not imagining -- that scream HORMONAL THINGS ARE OCCURRING!!! and if it's not because i'm pregnant, i can't help but think it's because something else is going on with me that's preventing me from getting pregnant.
so while i haven't completely given up hope yet (though i am really damn pessimistic right now), i made an appointment with my doctor. i'll have a routine exam and talk to him about next steps. it's a good thing i called today, because the first appointment i could get isn't for two weeks anyway. and i suppose on the off chance that i am pregnant, it can just be a super early check-in. but right now, i'm finding it hard to stay hopeful about that. i am scared that my body is malfunctioning and that it's just not ever going to happen for me. who knows how much of this mental state is simply being caused by the fact that it's been seven months now and i'm feeling depressed and negative about the whole thing, but i really don't think i can ignore how i've been feeling. i felt so completely bizarre for almost a week... i should not be feeling this way unless something out of the ordinary is happening in my body.
so... nothing else i can do now but what i've been doing for months. wait. wait for my period, wait to see the doctor. and hope he'll have some insight... because hearing that i just need to continue to wait is not at all what i want to hear.
first of all, i feel like crap. complete and utter crap. a headache that won't respond to drugs, cramps, crabbiness, the whole nine yards. it doesn't exactly feel like pms, in fact, other than the headache it's not my usual pms at all. my boobs aren't the slightest bit sore, which is usually my biggest (pun intended) telltale sign.
and yet... i started spotting this morning.
damn it, damn it, damn it.
of course i can tell myself it's implantation bleeding, as i have in other months. but i realize how uncommon that actually is. it is much more likely that my period will kick into gear tomorrow morning, right on schedule. and i'm so pissed. for the obvious reasons -- if i'm not pregnant again.... you know. but also because i am incredibly frustrated by the way i've felt the past couple of weeks. i am experiencing symptoms -- that i know i'm not imagining -- that scream HORMONAL THINGS ARE OCCURRING!!! and if it's not because i'm pregnant, i can't help but think it's because something else is going on with me that's preventing me from getting pregnant.
so while i haven't completely given up hope yet (though i am really damn pessimistic right now), i made an appointment with my doctor. i'll have a routine exam and talk to him about next steps. it's a good thing i called today, because the first appointment i could get isn't for two weeks anyway. and i suppose on the off chance that i am pregnant, it can just be a super early check-in. but right now, i'm finding it hard to stay hopeful about that. i am scared that my body is malfunctioning and that it's just not ever going to happen for me. who knows how much of this mental state is simply being caused by the fact that it's been seven months now and i'm feeling depressed and negative about the whole thing, but i really don't think i can ignore how i've been feeling. i felt so completely bizarre for almost a week... i should not be feeling this way unless something out of the ordinary is happening in my body.
so... nothing else i can do now but what i've been doing for months. wait. wait for my period, wait to see the doctor. and hope he'll have some insight... because hearing that i just need to continue to wait is not at all what i want to hear.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
cycle 7, day 23
of course the pregnancy test was negative. i really wish i could keep myself from doing that, but at least once i've taken one i know better than to think about it again. the ovulation monitor hasn't even told me i should be getting my period yet. i guess tomorrow would be the first realistic possibility.
and wouldn't you know that, other than a sort of sore back (possibly from sleeping on a mattress on the floor) and a few cramps here and there, i feel absolutely normal now. not pms-y, but not at all like i was last week. totally great, actually. in good spirits, good sex drive, and not at all crappy. so... who knows. maybe that was just me with not enough sleep, eating salad every day for lunch because my workplace food is just too damn delicious and healthy.
in other news, another friend my age had a miscarriage last week. it really terrifies me how often this seems to happen now that we're in our 30s.
oh, and i'm 34 now so i suppose i should change the name of this blog. happy birthday to me! sigh.
and wouldn't you know that, other than a sort of sore back (possibly from sleeping on a mattress on the floor) and a few cramps here and there, i feel absolutely normal now. not pms-y, but not at all like i was last week. totally great, actually. in good spirits, good sex drive, and not at all crappy. so... who knows. maybe that was just me with not enough sleep, eating salad every day for lunch because my workplace food is just too damn delicious and healthy.
in other news, another friend my age had a miscarriage last week. it really terrifies me how often this seems to happen now that we're in our 30s.
oh, and i'm 34 now so i suppose i should change the name of this blog. happy birthday to me! sigh.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
cycle 7, day 19
the cramps and excessive peeing seem to have died down. nothing else going on other than some nausea that started yesterday, but it's not a big deal. still have a little headache, am pretty tired, and have a weird general vibe about me. i hate to say it -- or type it -- but i really do feel... different. i can't quite put my finger on it, but i really have my hopes up, more than i like to admit.
nothing to do now but wait... i have agreed to let myself take a pregnancy test on sunday as a birthday present to myself... hopefully it's a good one.
nothing to do now but wait... i have agreed to let myself take a pregnancy test on sunday as a birthday present to myself... hopefully it's a good one.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
cycle 7, day 18
wow, i got so pissed at my therapist yesterday.
normally she's wonderful and insightful and, yes, tough on me. which is good. and there have certainly been times in the past where i haven't felt that we're connecting on a particular day or when i disagree with something that she tells me. but then there are times that i just think she's clueless and pathologizing me for no good reason other than her disconnect from some aspects of my life. case in point: TTC. she doesn't have kids and i don't think ever tried to have kids. of course she has patients who are and have been in the same boat as i am, and she's a woman, so she knows a bit about the process. but she clearly doesn't know a) about the internet, and b) about TTC insanity.
which is unfortunate, because she's a therapist, specifically charged with dealing with all types of insanity.
i was telling her about my out-of-the-ordinary "symptoms" this cycle, which i FREELY ADMIT may not actually be pregnancy signs and know that i am overthinking it. i told her this. she was already a bit skeptical, and then i said something about, "so i googled 'peeing all the time 8 dpo...'" and she lost it. she went on a tirade about how counterproductive it is for me to be obsessing over this and that i need to stop. now, i use psychological language a lot when i don't really mean the technical/psychological definition -- like we all do -- and she corrects me. like i've told her that i was feeling anti-social, and she rephrases so that we know that what i really mean is that i don't feel like hanging out with friends, not that i have removed myself from the mores of society. or i say that i'm "a little OCD" and she says something like, "so you're saying you're overly detailed oriented." and so on. but yesterday she was the one who used the word obsessive, and when i tried to tone it down she wouldn't let it slide.
she seems to think that it's possible to not let the possibility that i'm pregnant cross my mind during the two week wait. she, in fact, advised me that this is exactly what i should do: put it out of my mind. she demanded to know why i needed to analyze every little odd physical sensation, and kept reminding me that it doesn't matter that "everyone i know" has acted the same way when they've been trying. and i kept repeating... i don't know why. sure, it sounds lovely to not think about it. absolutely. that was my intention, and i wish i could stick to it. but somehow it's all-encompassing. not that i sit around and do nothing but think about it. obviously i am able to do my job and watch TV and walk the dog and talk to people. (i am not anti-social, remember?) but i haven't been able to put it completely from my mind.
and i'm not using peer pressure as an excuse, but i do wonder... maybe we're just wired this way. i know very, very few women who haven't done and felt exactly the same way as i am when they were TTC. it's just such a huge, bizarre thing to imagine... how is it possible that there could be a tiny baby coming to be inside me and we don't even know it??? or maybe it's just another example of how technology is not serving us well. too much information. WHY are there seventy different message boards where people can post their early pregnancy symptoms? is this necessary? no, most likely. but it's out there, and looking at it makes me feel like i have something to do during the two week wait. which, for a Type-A person like myself, helps.
in any case, i don't think i'm going to change my behavior. truthfully, although i agree with her that it's definitely not HELPING my cause to "obsess" over it, i don't really think it's hurting it, either. i'll be disappointed if i'm not pregnant again regardless of whether i notice the fact that i have a weird taste in my mouth and i'm peeing every half hour. and i was quite a bit miffed that my therapist seems to think that i'm such a freak. (well, more than the usual freak that she knows i am. again: her job.) but seriously, not that i'd do anything that anyone else did just for the sake of doing it, but i don't feel alone in this. and, to be honest, i kind of like it. it's part of the ride at which someday i hope i'll be able to laugh.
normally she's wonderful and insightful and, yes, tough on me. which is good. and there have certainly been times in the past where i haven't felt that we're connecting on a particular day or when i disagree with something that she tells me. but then there are times that i just think she's clueless and pathologizing me for no good reason other than her disconnect from some aspects of my life. case in point: TTC. she doesn't have kids and i don't think ever tried to have kids. of course she has patients who are and have been in the same boat as i am, and she's a woman, so she knows a bit about the process. but she clearly doesn't know a) about the internet, and b) about TTC insanity.
which is unfortunate, because she's a therapist, specifically charged with dealing with all types of insanity.
i was telling her about my out-of-the-ordinary "symptoms" this cycle, which i FREELY ADMIT may not actually be pregnancy signs and know that i am overthinking it. i told her this. she was already a bit skeptical, and then i said something about, "so i googled 'peeing all the time 8 dpo...'" and she lost it. she went on a tirade about how counterproductive it is for me to be obsessing over this and that i need to stop. now, i use psychological language a lot when i don't really mean the technical/psychological definition -- like we all do -- and she corrects me. like i've told her that i was feeling anti-social, and she rephrases so that we know that what i really mean is that i don't feel like hanging out with friends, not that i have removed myself from the mores of society. or i say that i'm "a little OCD" and she says something like, "so you're saying you're overly detailed oriented." and so on. but yesterday she was the one who used the word obsessive, and when i tried to tone it down she wouldn't let it slide.
she seems to think that it's possible to not let the possibility that i'm pregnant cross my mind during the two week wait. she, in fact, advised me that this is exactly what i should do: put it out of my mind. she demanded to know why i needed to analyze every little odd physical sensation, and kept reminding me that it doesn't matter that "everyone i know" has acted the same way when they've been trying. and i kept repeating... i don't know why. sure, it sounds lovely to not think about it. absolutely. that was my intention, and i wish i could stick to it. but somehow it's all-encompassing. not that i sit around and do nothing but think about it. obviously i am able to do my job and watch TV and walk the dog and talk to people. (i am not anti-social, remember?) but i haven't been able to put it completely from my mind.
and i'm not using peer pressure as an excuse, but i do wonder... maybe we're just wired this way. i know very, very few women who haven't done and felt exactly the same way as i am when they were TTC. it's just such a huge, bizarre thing to imagine... how is it possible that there could be a tiny baby coming to be inside me and we don't even know it??? or maybe it's just another example of how technology is not serving us well. too much information. WHY are there seventy different message boards where people can post their early pregnancy symptoms? is this necessary? no, most likely. but it's out there, and looking at it makes me feel like i have something to do during the two week wait. which, for a Type-A person like myself, helps.
in any case, i don't think i'm going to change my behavior. truthfully, although i agree with her that it's definitely not HELPING my cause to "obsess" over it, i don't really think it's hurting it, either. i'll be disappointed if i'm not pregnant again regardless of whether i notice the fact that i have a weird taste in my mouth and i'm peeing every half hour. and i was quite a bit miffed that my therapist seems to think that i'm such a freak. (well, more than the usual freak that she knows i am. again: her job.) but seriously, not that i'd do anything that anyone else did just for the sake of doing it, but i don't feel alone in this. and, to be honest, i kind of like it. it's part of the ride at which someday i hope i'll be able to laugh.
Monday, September 20, 2010
cycle 7, day 17
i may be crazy, but i'm feeling antsier than ever about this month. i have a feeling... a little feeling... like hope, serious hope.
also i still have these tiny little cramps on my right side, very low down, not painful but noticeable. same goes for my headache. little twinges now and again, nothing awful. my abdomen feels kind of bloated and gross, like i'm gassy or really full, pretty much all the time. it seems way too early for it to be pms.
and i'm peeing like a racehorse. not sure what that has to do with anything, but i seriously am going pee about four times as often as usual.
trying desperately not to obsess. but feeling really... hopeful.
also i still have these tiny little cramps on my right side, very low down, not painful but noticeable. same goes for my headache. little twinges now and again, nothing awful. my abdomen feels kind of bloated and gross, like i'm gassy or really full, pretty much all the time. it seems way too early for it to be pms.
and i'm peeing like a racehorse. not sure what that has to do with anything, but i seriously am going pee about four times as often as usual.
trying desperately not to obsess. but feeling really... hopeful.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
cycle 7, day 15
okay, so i really wanted not think about it this time around but i'm quite distracted by the weird things my body is doing. which, of course, could have nothing to do with anything. but they might! i'm just 5 days post-ovulation (5dpo, as they say in the internet world) but the past two days i've had some slight cramps -- just little twinges, mostly -- as well as a headache (started today), scratchy throat and weird cold-like feeling, and a verrrrry different fluid situation than i'm used to. typically by the time ovulation is over i'm pretty dry these days, but that hasn't been the case. so obviously my brain wheels are turning and my mental fingers are crossed that this time is the one. eek!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
cycle 7
well, in all likelihood this month's window of opportunity has passed, so here's what we have for cycle 7:
ovulation days: 10, 11
attempts: days 8, 10, 11, 12
about as good as i can hope for, i suppose. other than day 9. it was just such a busy day. sigh. so now we wait... i am currently drinking what i hope will be my last coffee (again). i read another article recently about the dangers of caffeine for developing babies so hopefully i'll be able to stick to it this time. i should also start thinking about saving the daily starbucks donation for baby stuff, when and if it actually happens. stay tuned...
ovulation days: 10, 11
attempts: days 8, 10, 11, 12
about as good as i can hope for, i suppose. other than day 9. it was just such a busy day. sigh. so now we wait... i am currently drinking what i hope will be my last coffee (again). i read another article recently about the dangers of caffeine for developing babies so hopefully i'll be able to stick to it this time. i should also start thinking about saving the daily starbucks donation for baby stuff, when and if it actually happens. stay tuned...
Monday, September 13, 2010
cycle 7, day 10
so, i wasn't pregnant again last time around. you would have heard from me before now, if so. it's super frustrated to have been trying -- actually trying -- for six months now and to realize that i completely assumed (despite whatever i said) that it wouldn't take us this long. i've also nearly missed my perfect timing with the school year window, which makes me sad. not that it's the end of the world if i have a baby in the summer or fall, but for a teacher giving birth in the spring is just ideal for time off and such. and the planner that i am unconsciously figured, i guess, that i'd be able to plan this with as much detail and precision as everything else in my life. boy, was i wrong about that.
but... it's ovulation day again!
man, this is getting exhausting. particularly now that the school year has started and i'm working full time again. but the monitor says today (and tomorrow) are my peak days, and we tried on saturday and again this morning... i figure we'll try to get two more tries in within the next 48 hours and call that a pretty impressive effort considering i'm waking up at 5am again and won't be home for 14 hours or more the next two days! oh, and we're still essentially homeless and alternating between sleeping in our housemates' beds and air mattresses on the floor of our still-under-construction apartment.
i had a bit of a meltdown after i got my period last month. it was quite different than the previous time. instead of being crushed that i wasn't pregnant, i found myself relieved and thinking that maybe i don't want to get pregnant after all. it was hard to tell if that was just a defense mechanism kicking in ("yeah, so what? i didn't want a stupid baby anyway. hmph.") or if there was something to it. plus the hubby and i have been at each other's throats over the house renovation, so the thought of embarking on the hugest project EVER with him was scaring the pants off me. or rather, scaring me into wanting to keep my pants ON.
but after things calmed down a bit and we had a couple of nights during which we both got a decent amount of sleep, we talked it out. i guess i wasn't entirely sure how invested he was in the process for any of his own reasons... i didn't want to be pressuring him into parenthood if he wasn't ready. and he still isn't sure that he's ready... but who is, really? it has become clear that i'm certainly not, either. and i'm still worried that fertility may be an issue for us, even though i know there's no real grounds to believe that yet. we decided i could call my doctor and talk it out with him, but that right now we suppose we'll just keep doing what we've been doing. so even though our talk didn't resolve or change much, it made me feel better.
so here we are on try #7... a couple more days and the waiting game begins again. ho, hum.
but... it's ovulation day again!
man, this is getting exhausting. particularly now that the school year has started and i'm working full time again. but the monitor says today (and tomorrow) are my peak days, and we tried on saturday and again this morning... i figure we'll try to get two more tries in within the next 48 hours and call that a pretty impressive effort considering i'm waking up at 5am again and won't be home for 14 hours or more the next two days! oh, and we're still essentially homeless and alternating between sleeping in our housemates' beds and air mattresses on the floor of our still-under-construction apartment.
i had a bit of a meltdown after i got my period last month. it was quite different than the previous time. instead of being crushed that i wasn't pregnant, i found myself relieved and thinking that maybe i don't want to get pregnant after all. it was hard to tell if that was just a defense mechanism kicking in ("yeah, so what? i didn't want a stupid baby anyway. hmph.") or if there was something to it. plus the hubby and i have been at each other's throats over the house renovation, so the thought of embarking on the hugest project EVER with him was scaring the pants off me. or rather, scaring me into wanting to keep my pants ON.
but after things calmed down a bit and we had a couple of nights during which we both got a decent amount of sleep, we talked it out. i guess i wasn't entirely sure how invested he was in the process for any of his own reasons... i didn't want to be pressuring him into parenthood if he wasn't ready. and he still isn't sure that he's ready... but who is, really? it has become clear that i'm certainly not, either. and i'm still worried that fertility may be an issue for us, even though i know there's no real grounds to believe that yet. we decided i could call my doctor and talk it out with him, but that right now we suppose we'll just keep doing what we've been doing. so even though our talk didn't resolve or change much, it made me feel better.
so here we are on try #7... a couple more days and the waiting game begins again. ho, hum.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
cycle 6, day 23
guess what? i'm obsessing again.
i guess there's no way to escape it. ah, well.
the ovulation monitor started telling me this morning that i could get my period. i don't feel particularly pms-y. my cycles and symptoms have gotten so out of whack the past couple of months that i don't know what to expect in terms of number of days or how i will feel. my boobs are still sore and i have a dull aching head, but that could very easily be from starting my new job and having -- in direct correlation -- too much coffee and not enough sleep.
and yeah... i said i was giving up coffee when i thought i might be pregnant and i haven't stuck with it. ho hum. i also had a couple of drinks post-ovulation this month, which i haven't done in previous months. so with my luck, maybe this will be the month it happens and i'll be worried sick about having poisoned my baby. egads, this is a mind trip.
i guess there's no way to escape it. ah, well.
the ovulation monitor started telling me this morning that i could get my period. i don't feel particularly pms-y. my cycles and symptoms have gotten so out of whack the past couple of months that i don't know what to expect in terms of number of days or how i will feel. my boobs are still sore and i have a dull aching head, but that could very easily be from starting my new job and having -- in direct correlation -- too much coffee and not enough sleep.
and yeah... i said i was giving up coffee when i thought i might be pregnant and i haven't stuck with it. ho hum. i also had a couple of drinks post-ovulation this month, which i haven't done in previous months. so with my luck, maybe this will be the month it happens and i'll be worried sick about having poisoned my baby. egads, this is a mind trip.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
cycle 6, day 21
it's been awhile.
obviously i wasn't pregnant last month, or i'd have had a lot more to say. my period came, again a bit earlier than i expected it. it seems that my cycles are getting shorter. which is lovely for TTC in some ways... less waiting time in between tries! but it makes me nervous that it's just a sign that i'm getting older... i know a lot of women begin to experience perimenopause symptoms in their early to mid-30s. this does NOT please me as i'm trying to conceive.
but i try not to worry about it. this month we didn't do a fantastic job, but considering i felt we'd done everything right last time around and it didn't happen, i suppose anything is possible. i was out of town just before i ovulated, and arrived back to the hubby right on the first day the monitor said i was ovulating. we tried that day, but sadly not on my second peak day. we did hit the day after that, so i guess if i ovulated near the end of the two-day window that was still a good effort.
now it's day 21 (very early on day 21, as it's 3:45 am and i can't sleep for some reason) and i'm starting to wonder. my boobs are a bit sore and i've been a little dizzy, but otherwise things seem normal. i am so unbelieveably stressed out by my living situation right now (we STILL can't move into what will be our floor of our new house due to delayed renovations) that i can't possibly figure out if anything that's going on is caused by something hormonal or just by my anxiety level. i am starting my new job this week (i really know how to lay on the stress, eh?) so hopefully i'll be wrapped up in that and not counting the days and taking unnecessary pregnancy tests like last time. i should get my period (or not!) by the end of the week...
obviously i wasn't pregnant last month, or i'd have had a lot more to say. my period came, again a bit earlier than i expected it. it seems that my cycles are getting shorter. which is lovely for TTC in some ways... less waiting time in between tries! but it makes me nervous that it's just a sign that i'm getting older... i know a lot of women begin to experience perimenopause symptoms in their early to mid-30s. this does NOT please me as i'm trying to conceive.
but i try not to worry about it. this month we didn't do a fantastic job, but considering i felt we'd done everything right last time around and it didn't happen, i suppose anything is possible. i was out of town just before i ovulated, and arrived back to the hubby right on the first day the monitor said i was ovulating. we tried that day, but sadly not on my second peak day. we did hit the day after that, so i guess if i ovulated near the end of the two-day window that was still a good effort.
now it's day 21 (very early on day 21, as it's 3:45 am and i can't sleep for some reason) and i'm starting to wonder. my boobs are a bit sore and i've been a little dizzy, but otherwise things seem normal. i am so unbelieveably stressed out by my living situation right now (we STILL can't move into what will be our floor of our new house due to delayed renovations) that i can't possibly figure out if anything that's going on is caused by something hormonal or just by my anxiety level. i am starting my new job this week (i really know how to lay on the stress, eh?) so hopefully i'll be wrapped up in that and not counting the days and taking unnecessary pregnancy tests like last time. i should get my period (or not!) by the end of the week...
Sunday, August 8, 2010
cycle 5, day 24
once again this month i had a lot to distract me from the waiting game... i've been totally consumed with getting settled in our new house. we have a lot to do and a long time before the house won't be our big project, but it's all so very exciting. and it does, in the back of my mind, make hoping that i'm pregnant even more wonderful, as it's just better to imagine having a baby and an eventual kid when i'm living in a place where we can actually go outside and live in more than 600 square feet.
it's pretty incredible.
and yet here we are in the midst of the final countdown of cycle 5 of TTC. it's our last true summer attempt... if i'm not pregnant this time, our next try will be the week i go back to work. which isn't ideal. i know i'm going to be upset if this cycle has been another bust, but i don't think i'm at the point of despair... yet.
so today's day 24 (14 days post-ovulation), which means in a normal short cycle month (as it seems this will be, given the ovulation monitor said days 9 and 10 were my peak days) i should get my period in two days -- on tuesday. i have felt totally normal until the past couple of days, when i've started having symptoms of something going on down there.
on friday (day 21, 12 dpo) i had a 24-hour headache. nothing helped. i also felt a bit dizzy and light-headed. but again, these can always be pre-period symptoms, too... though this headache was worse than my typical "here comes the period!" headache, and also a little early.
day 22 i stupidly took a pregnancy test (WHEN will i stop throwing money down the toilet on these things???), which was negative but had a few spots and speckles above the center line, which i've never seen before. i've also had a lot of discharge, not typical of this part of my cycle.
then yesterday (day 23, 13 dpo) i had a small amount of what looked like dark blood. a few months ago i would have been convinced this was implantation bleeding, but a similar thing happened to me a couple of months ago (a bit earlier in the cycle, though) and i clearly wasn't pregnant. so.
in general i just feel like there's something brewing, which could be my period, but maybe not. usually i don't have much (if any) PMS in my short-cycle months, and i don't exactly feel like my period's coming. i just feel a bit... weird. i'll try to keep myself distracted for the next couple of days...
it's pretty incredible.
and yet here we are in the midst of the final countdown of cycle 5 of TTC. it's our last true summer attempt... if i'm not pregnant this time, our next try will be the week i go back to work. which isn't ideal. i know i'm going to be upset if this cycle has been another bust, but i don't think i'm at the point of despair... yet.
so today's day 24 (14 days post-ovulation), which means in a normal short cycle month (as it seems this will be, given the ovulation monitor said days 9 and 10 were my peak days) i should get my period in two days -- on tuesday. i have felt totally normal until the past couple of days, when i've started having symptoms of something going on down there.
on friday (day 21, 12 dpo) i had a 24-hour headache. nothing helped. i also felt a bit dizzy and light-headed. but again, these can always be pre-period symptoms, too... though this headache was worse than my typical "here comes the period!" headache, and also a little early.
day 22 i stupidly took a pregnancy test (WHEN will i stop throwing money down the toilet on these things???), which was negative but had a few spots and speckles above the center line, which i've never seen before. i've also had a lot of discharge, not typical of this part of my cycle.
then yesterday (day 23, 13 dpo) i had a small amount of what looked like dark blood. a few months ago i would have been convinced this was implantation bleeding, but a similar thing happened to me a couple of months ago (a bit earlier in the cycle, though) and i clearly wasn't pregnant. so.
in general i just feel like there's something brewing, which could be my period, but maybe not. usually i don't have much (if any) PMS in my short-cycle months, and i don't exactly feel like my period's coming. i just feel a bit... weird. i'll try to keep myself distracted for the next couple of days...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
cycle 5
oooh, i'm feeling really confident this month! hope my hopes aren't crushed into smithereens. maybe the 5th time's the charm?
ovulation days: 9/10
attempts: days 7, 9, 10, 11
thankfully it'll be a short cycle... less waiting time!
ovulation days: 9/10
attempts: days 7, 9, 10, 11
thankfully it'll be a short cycle... less waiting time!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
cycle 5, day 10
ok, so i wasn't pregnant. turns out the only thing worse than killer diarrhea is getting your period while you have killer diarrhea. oh, joy. i guess i had some sort of stomach bug, and i'm actually thankful that it wasn't morning sickness as i don't think i could handle that for any stretch of time. i also realized that while i expected a short cycle, if i had thought about when i ovulated i would have realized that i was wrong about that. i keep trying to out-think my body, and that just doesn't seem possible.
but! it's a new cycle, and this one will indeed be a short one if my ovulation monitor and hormones are correct... today and yesterday were my two peak fertility days. AND we hit both of them this time around, and had a pre-peak try as well. i feel really good about our odds this time around! fingers crossed...
but! it's a new cycle, and this one will indeed be a short one if my ovulation monitor and hormones are correct... today and yesterday were my two peak fertility days. AND we hit both of them this time around, and had a pre-peak try as well. i feel really good about our odds this time around! fingers crossed...
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
cycle 4, day 27
i woke up SO SICK this morning. i actually woke myself up because i thought i was going to throw up.
it is important to state here that i do NOT throw up. ever. well, generally speaking. the last time i did was when i was doped up after getting all four of my impacted wisdom teeth out in 2001. prior to that were a couple of particularly stupid drunken nights in college. and before that was when i had a stomach virus in 10th grade. seriously, that's it in recent memory.
hence my alarm this morning. when i fully woke up and realized that i wasn't actually going to hurl, i took the dog out for a walk only to have to rush back quite quickly to the bathroom... where i had the worst diarrhea i've had in years. this went on for a couple of hours. misery.
then as i was beginning type this post, it all started again. this time i was certain i was going to throw up. whining and whimpering and really scaring the hubby. he, similarly, does not throw up and would be no help in this sort of situation. somehow i managed to fight it, and once again it decided to, well... for lack of a more ladylike description, come out the other end.
then the hubby had to go to work, which half terrified and half relieved me. i wasn't really in the best state for hanging out. after he left i managed to walk a block to the store, get some ginger ale and crackers, and make it back to the couch. i spent another couple of hours on the couch, dozing and fighting the nauseousness. eventually i was able to eat some crackers and a bowl of cereal. and finally, 6.5 hours later, i *may* be starting to feel human again.
but my bum hurts. owwww.
yesterday afternoon i realized that, given a normal cycle for me, i should have gotten my period already. i tend to alternate every other month: one cycle is about 27 days and very heavy with some awful PMS symptoms that i've blogged about in other posts (often tricking myself into thinking they're way-too-early pregnancy symptoms). in the interim months, like this one, my cycle is usually 24 or 25 days, often sneaks up on me without my realizing it and then goes away as mildly as it arrives. i have been this regular, with only a handful of exceptions, for about four years.
this month should have been a short cycle. according to the monitor, i ovulated on day 11 or 12, and i was expecting to get my period on what would have been day 25, or maybe day 26. which was yesterday. it's quite unusual a) for it to not have come yet, and b) for me to be feeling nauseated or anything this month. i did that last time around, come on!!!
so i have deduced based on this morning's events that i have either contracted a stomach bug and/or driven my body wacky with the stress i've been under the past couple of weeks, or i must be pregnant. and perhaps in for a doozy of a 1st trimester.
i really haven't been dwelling on the pregnancy possibility much this time around. we have been in real estate hell and homeless for the past week and a half, carting suitcases and pets around in 95 degree heat to various friends' houses. we are hoping to close on our new house next week, but nothing is official yet. so it is clearly a very real possibility that stress is contributing to all of this weirdness. but still... i hope.
though this whole sick episode has been sobering. if i am pregnant, and this is morning sickness, can i handle this for another few weeks? for some reason i assumed that since i'm not typically a stomach-bug kind of person (and since i DO NOT throw up!) that i wouldn't get hit with these kind of symptoms. live and learn, i suppose. or perhaps i will get my period tonight or tomorrow and just have to blame the stress or the poor eating habits that accompany homelessness. we shall see.
it is important to state here that i do NOT throw up. ever. well, generally speaking. the last time i did was when i was doped up after getting all four of my impacted wisdom teeth out in 2001. prior to that were a couple of particularly stupid drunken nights in college. and before that was when i had a stomach virus in 10th grade. seriously, that's it in recent memory.
hence my alarm this morning. when i fully woke up and realized that i wasn't actually going to hurl, i took the dog out for a walk only to have to rush back quite quickly to the bathroom... where i had the worst diarrhea i've had in years. this went on for a couple of hours. misery.
then as i was beginning type this post, it all started again. this time i was certain i was going to throw up. whining and whimpering and really scaring the hubby. he, similarly, does not throw up and would be no help in this sort of situation. somehow i managed to fight it, and once again it decided to, well... for lack of a more ladylike description, come out the other end.
then the hubby had to go to work, which half terrified and half relieved me. i wasn't really in the best state for hanging out. after he left i managed to walk a block to the store, get some ginger ale and crackers, and make it back to the couch. i spent another couple of hours on the couch, dozing and fighting the nauseousness. eventually i was able to eat some crackers and a bowl of cereal. and finally, 6.5 hours later, i *may* be starting to feel human again.
but my bum hurts. owwww.
yesterday afternoon i realized that, given a normal cycle for me, i should have gotten my period already. i tend to alternate every other month: one cycle is about 27 days and very heavy with some awful PMS symptoms that i've blogged about in other posts (often tricking myself into thinking they're way-too-early pregnancy symptoms). in the interim months, like this one, my cycle is usually 24 or 25 days, often sneaks up on me without my realizing it and then goes away as mildly as it arrives. i have been this regular, with only a handful of exceptions, for about four years.
this month should have been a short cycle. according to the monitor, i ovulated on day 11 or 12, and i was expecting to get my period on what would have been day 25, or maybe day 26. which was yesterday. it's quite unusual a) for it to not have come yet, and b) for me to be feeling nauseated or anything this month. i did that last time around, come on!!!
so i have deduced based on this morning's events that i have either contracted a stomach bug and/or driven my body wacky with the stress i've been under the past couple of weeks, or i must be pregnant. and perhaps in for a doozy of a 1st trimester.
i really haven't been dwelling on the pregnancy possibility much this time around. we have been in real estate hell and homeless for the past week and a half, carting suitcases and pets around in 95 degree heat to various friends' houses. we are hoping to close on our new house next week, but nothing is official yet. so it is clearly a very real possibility that stress is contributing to all of this weirdness. but still... i hope.
though this whole sick episode has been sobering. if i am pregnant, and this is morning sickness, can i handle this for another few weeks? for some reason i assumed that since i'm not typically a stomach-bug kind of person (and since i DO NOT throw up!) that i wouldn't get hit with these kind of symptoms. live and learn, i suppose. or perhaps i will get my period tonight or tomorrow and just have to blame the stress or the poor eating habits that accompany homelessness. we shall see.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
cycle 4
i am incredibly distracted this time around as we're in the middle of a particularly stressful move, which is nice because i haven't taken much time yet to wonder or obsess over being pregnant or not. i know we didn't do a fantastic job this cycle, but i suppose there is still a chance.
ovulation: day 11/12
attempts: days 8, 10, 13
eh. i guess you never know, but logically i shouldn't be terribly disappointed this cycle if it doesn't happen. fingers crossed that we won't still be sleeping on friends' couches by the time we need to try again!
ovulation: day 11/12
attempts: days 8, 10, 13
eh. i guess you never know, but logically i shouldn't be terribly disappointed this cycle if it doesn't happen. fingers crossed that we won't still be sleeping on friends' couches by the time we need to try again!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
cycle 4, day 13 part 2
i should add that within an hour of my previous post, the hubby woke up and called me back into the bedroom as if to disprove everything i was thinking. so... yeah. still not certain of our chances this time around, but i'm feeling a heck of a lot better in general. :)
cycle 4, day 13
i honestly don't know how anyone gets pregnant.
this whole process is a gigantic pain in the butt. it doesn't help that my peak days keep falling at the worst possible time.
like this cycle. yesterday and the day before were my ovulation days. i knew it both from the monitor and from the way that i felt. easy, right? we should have just gone at it happily and crossed our fingers. but... not so much. you see, monday was the day we were supposed to get news about the closing on our new house. which we didn't get. it was easily the most stressful day either of us have had in a long, long time. the hubby was working and i was home packing up the apartment, and the two of us basically waited for phone calls and emails that never came and then spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker and bitching at one another about pretty much everything. not exactly the right moood for love.
i told him that day that it was a peak day, just to let him know that we should try to find time at some point. not a good idea. that night he was too tired, and he promised we'd try the next day (yesterday). and what was yesterday? oh, just the day that we closed on the sale of our apartment, now knowing full well that we have nowhere to move after we have to vacate this place in less than a week, and also having still heard nothing definitive on our purchase. we spent the afternoon at the closing surrounded by lawyers and bank people and paperwork, arguing back and forth about post-possession terms. we spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker. and despite the fact that we did try to have a go at it twice yesterday, both times he wasn't able to... seal the deal, if you will. he was tired, he was sick to his stomach, his "head wasn't in the game," as he said.
he blames it on the stress, and i believe him. i do. but i think the stress is not just from the real estate nonsense that we're dealing with; he also really freaks out when he knows that he has to "perform." i shouldn't have said anything to him at all. he acts like he can handle it, he even jokes around about it, but when it really comes down to action, he can't carry it out. i don't know if it's an unconscious fear of the reality of parenthood, or just the pressure, or a combination of both. but it really creates tension between us, because he knows how badly i want this, and because truthfully it just makes you feel like crap when it seems like your husband just isn't all that turned on by you. i know it's not that simple, but i can't help where my mind goes.
this morning i debated waking him up for another try, truly last ditch and probably pointless, but i didn't. another frustrating interaction would really not be pleasant for either of us right now. so i guess i can pretty much call this month a wash, and hope beyond all hope that by the next time we'll be settled in our new house and able to relax a bit. fingers crossed.
this whole process is a gigantic pain in the butt. it doesn't help that my peak days keep falling at the worst possible time.
like this cycle. yesterday and the day before were my ovulation days. i knew it both from the monitor and from the way that i felt. easy, right? we should have just gone at it happily and crossed our fingers. but... not so much. you see, monday was the day we were supposed to get news about the closing on our new house. which we didn't get. it was easily the most stressful day either of us have had in a long, long time. the hubby was working and i was home packing up the apartment, and the two of us basically waited for phone calls and emails that never came and then spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker and bitching at one another about pretty much everything. not exactly the right moood for love.
i told him that day that it was a peak day, just to let him know that we should try to find time at some point. not a good idea. that night he was too tired, and he promised we'd try the next day (yesterday). and what was yesterday? oh, just the day that we closed on the sale of our apartment, now knowing full well that we have nowhere to move after we have to vacate this place in less than a week, and also having still heard nothing definitive on our purchase. we spent the afternoon at the closing surrounded by lawyers and bank people and paperwork, arguing back and forth about post-possession terms. we spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker. and despite the fact that we did try to have a go at it twice yesterday, both times he wasn't able to... seal the deal, if you will. he was tired, he was sick to his stomach, his "head wasn't in the game," as he said.
he blames it on the stress, and i believe him. i do. but i think the stress is not just from the real estate nonsense that we're dealing with; he also really freaks out when he knows that he has to "perform." i shouldn't have said anything to him at all. he acts like he can handle it, he even jokes around about it, but when it really comes down to action, he can't carry it out. i don't know if it's an unconscious fear of the reality of parenthood, or just the pressure, or a combination of both. but it really creates tension between us, because he knows how badly i want this, and because truthfully it just makes you feel like crap when it seems like your husband just isn't all that turned on by you. i know it's not that simple, but i can't help where my mind goes.
this morning i debated waking him up for another try, truly last ditch and probably pointless, but i didn't. another frustrating interaction would really not be pleasant for either of us right now. so i guess i can pretty much call this month a wash, and hope beyond all hope that by the next time we'll be settled in our new house and able to relax a bit. fingers crossed.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
cycle 3, day 27
took a test this morning. negative, of course.
still no period. i spent all of last night total miserable and nauseated. the hubby reminded me that on the months i get really heavy, nasty periods (about every other cycle) that my PMS is much worse, and that this is probably what's going on. sadly. other months when i've felt this way, it's been earlier on... i remember in january i felt crappy for almost ages after ovulation but then i actually felt fine leading up to when i got my period. but it makes sense that that's what's going on now. i just wish i'd get my freakin' period already so i could stop thinking about it. argh.
still no period. i spent all of last night total miserable and nauseated. the hubby reminded me that on the months i get really heavy, nasty periods (about every other cycle) that my PMS is much worse, and that this is probably what's going on. sadly. other months when i've felt this way, it's been earlier on... i remember in january i felt crappy for almost ages after ovulation but then i actually felt fine leading up to when i got my period. but it makes sense that that's what's going on now. i just wish i'd get my freakin' period already so i could stop thinking about it. argh.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
cycle 3, day 26
i have felt like i am going to get my period for days now. cramps, sore, headaches, the whole package deal. today, realistically, is the first day it could have started, assuming i don't have some kind of super out-of-the-ordinary cycle going on. every second it doesn't show up, i get more and more hopeful. while i know we don't have much of a chance this month, i find myself with REALLY high hopes that are probably not a good thing. i can feel that i'm going to be really disappointed if it doesn't happen... mostly because my little "starting early" window has already closed! originally i wanted to have three months of serious trying to make sure i got pregnant by the end of the summer. now, here it is -- summer... and three months have almost already passed unsuccessfully. i know, and the hubby keeps reminding me, that we didn't do a very good job trying these past three months... especially this cycle. so i shouldn't be so forlorn. i know this. but this is really not a rational thought process! *sigh.* i expect if i don't get my period tonight that i will take a test when i wake up in the morning... also probably not the best idea (those things are not cheap!), but i'm going a little loopy.
Monday, June 14, 2010
cycle 3, day 24
my handy ovulation monitor started telling me two days ago that i would get my period soon. i thought it was early, but i guess considering when i ovulated it makes sense. the first day it started flashing "m" i didn't feel like it was coming, other than some tiny cramps. but now i really feel like it could arrive at any moment. i was positive i would get it yesterday, and it still hasn't come today. i had a twinge of a headache yesterday, but not my usual pre-period pain. typically i don't feel this way for more than two days without it starting, so i guess by mid-week i could take a test if it doesn't. i'm not feeling incredibly optimistic about the possibility this month, but you never do know!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
cycle 3
wow, we really did not do our best this time around! we did have the ovulation monitor, which was a bonus. but it's been such a busy couple of weeks that i couldn't even prioritize the trying. the day that i ovulated i passed out in bed hours before the hubby did and was so tired i really couldn't have cared less. the next morning, though, he left me a note in the bathrooom for me to find when i got up at te godawful hour i have to sometimes for work, telling me to wake him up before i left if i wanted to. that was a lovely start to the day! it also reassured me that he really is invested in this little project. :) however, that was pretty much it for this month in terms of timeliness...
ovulation: day 12/13
attempts: day 13, 15
so... yeah. hopefully when summer vacation rolls around we'll have a little more down time to devote to this. but, you never know...
ovulation: day 12/13
attempts: day 13, 15
so... yeah. hopefully when summer vacation rolls around we'll have a little more down time to devote to this. but, you never know...
Sunday, May 30, 2010
round 3, day 8
so... no luck last month. obviously. we're at day 8 of my cycle and this time around i'm using my now-pregnant friend's ovulation monitor. hopefully it will lessen the uncertainty around the peak days. of course another wrinkle in things is that i'm interviewing for a new job, and i'm not sure how thrilled i'd be to be pregnant when starting that (if it happens). but i guess we'll just see how it goes. the trying should start in a couple of days...
Monday, May 10, 2010
cycle 2
today -- day 14 -- wraps up our realistic chances of conceiving this cycle, and i'm feeling a bit better than last month's go around on all fronts. first of all, the hubby and i didn't have any arguments or tense moments this time, and secondly we hit almost all of our critical days... at least as far as i can tell with my own observations.
what was integral in this, i think, was my more relaxed attitude... particularly because it made me not feel the need to drag the mister into my hyper-anxious brain every second and suck all of the romance out of our sexual fun. i didn't even mention what day of the cycle it was or when i thought i ovulated this time. figured he'd do better without the pressure, and i was right. i know he's most likely aware that these past few days were "the" days -- he's pretty good with numbers and besides, it's not so often that i'm clamoring for sex every day. but we didn't talk about it. this may sound like avoidance, but for us i think it made sense.
next cycle, unless we get lucky this time, i'm going to hedge my bets a bit by starting to take my waking temp again and borrowing my friend's ovulation monitor. while this month was stress-free, i'm thinking this uncertainty and guesswork will take its toll pretty quickly. mgynecologist told me the same thing when i saw him last week. i took my temp this morning and -- based on when i used to do this consistently -- i am pretty sure it indicated that i ovulated, which i had already suspected happened sometime yesterday.
so here's what we're dealing with for round 2:
ovulation estimate: day 13
attempts: day 11, day 12, day 14
would've been nice to hit day 13, i suppose. but we're in the ballpark at least. and now for the waiting game... which will hopefully not turn me into such a complete lunatic at last time.
what was integral in this, i think, was my more relaxed attitude... particularly because it made me not feel the need to drag the mister into my hyper-anxious brain every second and suck all of the romance out of our sexual fun. i didn't even mention what day of the cycle it was or when i thought i ovulated this time. figured he'd do better without the pressure, and i was right. i know he's most likely aware that these past few days were "the" days -- he's pretty good with numbers and besides, it's not so often that i'm clamoring for sex every day. but we didn't talk about it. this may sound like avoidance, but for us i think it made sense.
next cycle, unless we get lucky this time, i'm going to hedge my bets a bit by starting to take my waking temp again and borrowing my friend's ovulation monitor. while this month was stress-free, i'm thinking this uncertainty and guesswork will take its toll pretty quickly. mgynecologist told me the same thing when i saw him last week. i took my temp this morning and -- based on when i used to do this consistently -- i am pretty sure it indicated that i ovulated, which i had already suspected happened sometime yesterday.
so here's what we're dealing with for round 2:
ovulation estimate: day 13
attempts: day 11, day 12, day 14
would've been nice to hit day 13, i suppose. but we're in the ballpark at least. and now for the waiting game... which will hopefully not turn me into such a complete lunatic at last time.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Round 2, Day 11
the next few days are our critical ones this month... and, i have to say, i'm so much more laissez-faire about it this time around. not sure if it's just because it doesn't feel so crazy and foreign anymore, or if i just have so much other stuff going on right now to take my mind off of it. in any case, our peak days happen to fall on the weekend, which makes "trying" frequently a much more relaxing endeavor. :) fun, fun, fun...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Round 2
Today is Day 7, and I'm gearing up to start Round 2 of our pregnancy project. I went to the gynecologist today for my yearly check-up and all seems to be in order. He recommended an ovulation monitor to decrease the pressure and uncertainty involved in the trying, which I may borrow from a friend, and said that he'd give it six months before worrying that something may be wrong. Six months seems like an eternity, but I know that some people have had to try for that long... or longer. Of course I'll hope that we're on the shorter end of the spectrum, but who knows?
So, here we go again...
So, here we go again...
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Day 27... Day 1 :(
alright. well, i got my period today. disappointed, yes. but not crushed. i enjoyed having a couple of drinks tonight, and will look forward to trying again in a couple of weeks!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Day 24
UGH, I'M SO STUPID!
I took a pregnancy test this morning. Damn that stupid ept box for tempting me with its early results... I KNOW I shouldn't have and, of course, it was negative. On the bright side, at least I won't be tempted to take another one... I'm sure now, slightly deflated, I can just wait until my period comes or doesn't come. Wednesday should be the day. But I'm still pissed at myself.
I took a pregnancy test this morning. Damn that stupid ept box for tempting me with its early results... I KNOW I shouldn't have and, of course, it was negative. On the bright side, at least I won't be tempted to take another one... I'm sure now, slightly deflated, I can just wait until my period comes or doesn't come. Wednesday should be the day. But I'm still pissed at myself.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Day 21
ok, today i feel almost completely fine. and my special friends, in the inner circle of my TTC processes, tell me i'm probably nuts to think that i was experiencing symptoms this early, if i even am pregnant. so. we'll see. at least it's easier to keep my mind off of the waiting game when i can eat and function normally.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Day 20
what were cramps (much like period cramps) for two mornings in a row turned into full-blown nausea by yesterday afternoon. now, i'm trying to think objectively here, because for the past several months i've had a couple of menstrual cycles during which i felt like crap for the whole week before i got my period. the first time this happened, in january, i was convinced i was pregnant. obviously i wasn't. and then it happened again, not as badly, another time. so now i'm trying to remember how that feeling compared to what i've been feeling the past couple of days, and whether or not i'm exaggerating how i'm feeling now because i already suspect (and am inwardly hopin) that i am pregnant. i definitely think i'm more physically nauseated than i was on those other occasions. i remember feeling "odd" in my stomach and having some aversions to food then, but this is different. yesterday afternoon when my husband and i were shopping i was so light-headed i had to leave the store, and last night i had nausea coming in waves that made me actually think i might vomit. folks, i don't vomit. the last time was in 2001, when i was on muscle relaxers after surgery. prior to that it was in 1998, when i mixed some disagreeable alcoholic beverages at a party. even when i get a stomach virus, it comes out the other end.
when i first woke up early this morning i still felt sick, but now i feel fine. so... yeah. i'm not doing the best job not thinking about this.
when i first woke up early this morning i still felt sick, but now i feel fine. so... yeah. i'm not doing the best job not thinking about this.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Day 18
So yesterday a bird pooed on me, which has never happened to me before. While I think the "good luck" thing is just what they say to make you feel a little less gross, I didn't argue.
This a.m. I woke up with cramps, which was a little weird but probably too early to pay attention to on Day 18, right? Sure. So I went about my business, and then a little while later -- still crampy -- I went to the bathroom and when wiping noticed a little bit of... color with the pee. I can't even say blood, but it was certainly a little brownish. Of COURSE the first thought that pops into my head: implantation bleeding.
And I'm freaking out. But it's too early, right? Right???
This a.m. I woke up with cramps, which was a little weird but probably too early to pay attention to on Day 18, right? Sure. So I went about my business, and then a little while later -- still crampy -- I went to the bathroom and when wiping noticed a little bit of... color with the pee. I can't even say blood, but it was certainly a little brownish. Of COURSE the first thought that pops into my head: implantation bleeding.
And I'm freaking out. But it's too early, right? Right???
Thursday, April 15, 2010
cycle 1
today is day 15/16 of my cycle (my period started in the late afternoon... i know, confusing, right?), which means that our "trying" is about done for this cycle. i'll double-check fluids tomorrow (SO bizarre that this is now a huge part of my life), but i'm fairly certain that the door of opportunity has closed. i'm going to say this is day 15, just to make things easier (and because most charting guides say to call Day 1 the first full day of your period when in doubt). but really, more numbers just equals more confusion for me.
so where do we stand? well, i'm not sure how well we did this first round. it's been a super busy and tiring week. work plus prepping our apartment to sell (open houses this weekend!) on top of our usual vastly differing sleep schedule and the little emotional stumbling block we had over the weekend, we ended up having sex four times out of the seven days i think we had to work with. not bad odds, true, but not as sure-fire as i had hoped.
so here's what we've got for round 1...
ovulation estimation: day 12-14
attempts: day 9, day 10, day 12, day 15
seems like day 12 was probably our best shot, unless i ovulated near the end of my suspected window, in which case today wasn't bad either. in sum... meh. not sure. don't think this was our best effort at due diligence. but it wasn't a typical week, that's for sure. hopefully by next cycle things will be quieter and we'll be more used to this new routine. and in the meantime, i guess we just sit back and wait. you never know.
so where do we stand? well, i'm not sure how well we did this first round. it's been a super busy and tiring week. work plus prepping our apartment to sell (open houses this weekend!) on top of our usual vastly differing sleep schedule and the little emotional stumbling block we had over the weekend, we ended up having sex four times out of the seven days i think we had to work with. not bad odds, true, but not as sure-fire as i had hoped.
so here's what we've got for round 1...
ovulation estimation: day 12-14
attempts: day 9, day 10, day 12, day 15
seems like day 12 was probably our best shot, unless i ovulated near the end of my suspected window, in which case today wasn't bad either. in sum... meh. not sure. don't think this was our best effort at due diligence. but it wasn't a typical week, that's for sure. hopefully by next cycle things will be quieter and we'll be more used to this new routine. and in the meantime, i guess we just sit back and wait. you never know.
Midwifery
I am a planner. Often I enjoy planning an event more than the event itself. While I certainly hope this won't be the case for my (fingers crossed) impending parenthood, part of the beginnings of this process has included thinking about the logistics. I've had the same gynecologist since I moved to the city nearly seven years ago, referred to me by a former colleague mostly because his office was in my neighborhood. And I like him. He's calm and cool, which works well for me, his office staff is great, he's taken all of the various insurances I've gone through. I don't have any complaints about him at all, yet I can't imagine going through childbirth with him.
All of my friends have had babies in hospitals with doctors. I am not so hippie-inclined that I think that's bad, but I do question the medicalization of childbirth. I'm a history buff, and I've seen enough episodes of Little House on the Prairie -- not to mention Gone with the Wind more times than I can count -- to know that women have been having babies for a really long time, often at home with only the help of relatives. The natural-ness of this seems lovely to me. Of course things go wrong, but things always go wrong. I'm not saying I want to have a baby at home without a trained professional. But I knew that I did want to explore my options.
The mother of one of my former students was a doula for many years before she went to nursing school. In the two years that I taught her daughter and the years since that we have ket in touch, I've learned a lot about the other side of childbirth, the part that is often blown off as being crazy. Traditional hospital births are seen as the norm, just as huge, expensive extravaganzas have become the standard for weddings. I didn't go that route, either. Not my style. It just made sense for me to question what many women take as a given.
Working with a traditional gynecologist/obstetrician during childbirth tends to mean getting through labor and delivery as quickly as possible, and surgical procedures are often used unnecessarily. Midwives, in contrast, aim to help women through "typical" pregnancies and births as naturally as possible, including offering support for the first six weeks of the baby's life (breastfeeding, etc.). They do not interfere with the labor process unless necessary, and of course refer problematic issues to specialists. Many of them do home births, but many also deliver babies in hospitals. All of this sounds right up my alley.
So I've made an appointment for an orientation meeting with a midwife in my neighborhood. I know it's early, but I figure the more I can sort out now, the less I have to stress me out later. I feel good about this decision, and even better because my husband didn't think it was as nuts as I thought he might. In the meantime, I have one last appointment with my gynecologist -- my yearly check-up and a final check-in with him. He's a great doctor. Just not my style.
All of my friends have had babies in hospitals with doctors. I am not so hippie-inclined that I think that's bad, but I do question the medicalization of childbirth. I'm a history buff, and I've seen enough episodes of Little House on the Prairie -- not to mention Gone with the Wind more times than I can count -- to know that women have been having babies for a really long time, often at home with only the help of relatives. The natural-ness of this seems lovely to me. Of course things go wrong, but things always go wrong. I'm not saying I want to have a baby at home without a trained professional. But I knew that I did want to explore my options.
The mother of one of my former students was a doula for many years before she went to nursing school. In the two years that I taught her daughter and the years since that we have ket in touch, I've learned a lot about the other side of childbirth, the part that is often blown off as being crazy. Traditional hospital births are seen as the norm, just as huge, expensive extravaganzas have become the standard for weddings. I didn't go that route, either. Not my style. It just made sense for me to question what many women take as a given.
Working with a traditional gynecologist/obstetrician during childbirth tends to mean getting through labor and delivery as quickly as possible, and surgical procedures are often used unnecessarily. Midwives, in contrast, aim to help women through "typical" pregnancies and births as naturally as possible, including offering support for the first six weeks of the baby's life (breastfeeding, etc.). They do not interfere with the labor process unless necessary, and of course refer problematic issues to specialists. Many of them do home births, but many also deliver babies in hospitals. All of this sounds right up my alley.
So I've made an appointment for an orientation meeting with a midwife in my neighborhood. I know it's early, but I figure the more I can sort out now, the less I have to stress me out later. I feel good about this decision, and even better because my husband didn't think it was as nuts as I thought he might. In the meantime, I have one last appointment with my gynecologist -- my yearly check-up and a final check-in with him. He's a great doctor. Just not my style.
Monday, April 12, 2010
boys have feelings, too
so it turns out that demanding sex every day doesn't endear men or women to their partners.
had to have a long talk with the husband last night/early this morning about how, after 2.5 days of trying to conceive, we were already pissed off at each other. he was feeling the pressure of being asked to "perform" every day in some sort of high stakes environment; i was feeling betrayed that he wasn't as devoted to our cause as i am. alas, we skipped a day. i know some people operate on an every-other-day schedule as it is, so it shouldn't be a big deal... but i panicked. i just didn't want to feel like this whole cycle was a wash because we missed a day that could have been THE day. but i got things back into perspective... his feelings obviously matter. (although secretly i think it's kind of interesting for him to get a sense of the piece of meat sensation that we women endure throughout our entire lives. but i didn't tell him that.) in any case, i think we've sorted things out (back on track today, at least!), but it was an important lesson to learn at a very early point in the process. who knew?
had to have a long talk with the husband last night/early this morning about how, after 2.5 days of trying to conceive, we were already pissed off at each other. he was feeling the pressure of being asked to "perform" every day in some sort of high stakes environment; i was feeling betrayed that he wasn't as devoted to our cause as i am. alas, we skipped a day. i know some people operate on an every-other-day schedule as it is, so it shouldn't be a big deal... but i panicked. i just didn't want to feel like this whole cycle was a wash because we missed a day that could have been THE day. but i got things back into perspective... his feelings obviously matter. (although secretly i think it's kind of interesting for him to get a sense of the piece of meat sensation that we women endure throughout our entire lives. but i didn't tell him that.) in any case, i think we've sorted things out (back on track today, at least!), but it was an important lesson to learn at a very early point in the process. who knew?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
and so it begins...
my husband and i are trying to have a baby. as of... yesterday.
before i say anything else, i should say that for many, many years i didn't think that i'd ever be in this position. not because i thought there was any reason i couldn't get pregnant, or because i didn't have a partner, but because i didn't want to have children. i realize this isn't an anomaly... i know other people who don't want kids. but i love kids. i've worked with kids since i was a teenager, as a camp counselor, day care worker, and as a teacher and educational consultant as an adult. my friends and family laughed at me when i said i didn't want to be a parent. everyone said i'd change my mind. but i remained adamant until about three years ago that i absolutely didn't want to have kids of my own. i have a cat and a dog that have given me a lot of perspective on the demands of caring for other living beings. i wasn't sure i could (or wanted to) take on any more responsibility than that. i wasn't sure this world was a place i wanted to bring more humans into. i just didn't see it happening for me.
what changed? i'm not entirely sure. partly it was my friends starting to have children, and my participating in the joy and wonder that have accompanied their parenthood. a more optimistic outlook on life than possessed by my younger, wild and often angry self has helped. finding someone i wanted to marry (another thing i was never sure i'd do), someone who definitely wanted kids, put the glimmer of possibility into my mind. at that point i thought i'd be willing to adopt, but that i didn't want or need to have my own kids. (it's like adopting rescue dogs and cats, right? there are so many out there already.) and then the biological clock kicked in and did the rest. suddenly i became obsessed with babies. where i used to fawn over puppies on the street and ignore whatever was sitting in the nearby stroller, i found myself cooing at and offering to hold any kid i came into contact with. i thought i was going insane.
and then it got worse. although my partner and i weren't even thinking about having kids, i started to fantasize about it. and cross my fingers every month that i'd somehow end up pregnant. and often get depressed (temporarily, but noticeably) when i got my period. and i started to think... i'm 33. not old, but not getting any younger. if not now...
so we started talking about it. we did some math. (mostly him. i'm terrible at math.) we figured out when i'd need to be pregnant in order to have a kid with time to reasonably think about having a second, if we want to. and we realized that the time was, well... now. the goal is to have a baby by next spring, so i started reading and researching around the new year. (and trying to wean myself off coffee. sigh.) our original plan was to start trying this summer, but after two of my close friends had miscarriages in the past few months, i decided sooner was definitely better than later. after all, we have no idea how long it may take us or what possible problems we may encounter. in the past five years or so, a number of friends and family members have started families. we've heard more than our fair share of trials and tribulations, and while we certainly could find ourselves in the same situation, it would be better for all of that to happen before i start to panic about drying up or whatever.
i've been off of the pill for nearly three years and have become pretty familiar with my cycle and the way that my body actually functions, which was super fascinating after years of being hormonally regulated. i'm fairly confident that i know about when i ovulate, and have done a lot of studying of the best book ever: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. this week, i let my partner know that he'd better be prepared to have a lot more sex than we've had in awhile... and we started trying, officially, yesterday.
so far i'm just amazed at how all-consuming it has been. i counted down repeatedly all week, making sure i had the timing correct. i stopped drinking coffee and alcohol as soon as my period ended. i started taking Mucinex, which i read helps create some necessary mucus. ahem. and now, well... it's just sex every day for a week or so -- which is not the easiest thing to accomplish given our wildly different sleeping schedules, busy work and social lives, and the fact that we're simultaneously trying to sell our apartment (and just not as young and passionate as we used to be. although... this process so far has been kinda hot, i have to say). it's a bit strange, too, to be actively trying to do what i spent so long trying not to let happen. and i'm not naive enough to think that we're guaranteed success on the first try, but i am prepared to be disappointed if we're not. disappointed, but hopefully still optimistic. so far, the novelty and the relative nonchalance has been pretty fun.
before i say anything else, i should say that for many, many years i didn't think that i'd ever be in this position. not because i thought there was any reason i couldn't get pregnant, or because i didn't have a partner, but because i didn't want to have children. i realize this isn't an anomaly... i know other people who don't want kids. but i love kids. i've worked with kids since i was a teenager, as a camp counselor, day care worker, and as a teacher and educational consultant as an adult. my friends and family laughed at me when i said i didn't want to be a parent. everyone said i'd change my mind. but i remained adamant until about three years ago that i absolutely didn't want to have kids of my own. i have a cat and a dog that have given me a lot of perspective on the demands of caring for other living beings. i wasn't sure i could (or wanted to) take on any more responsibility than that. i wasn't sure this world was a place i wanted to bring more humans into. i just didn't see it happening for me.
what changed? i'm not entirely sure. partly it was my friends starting to have children, and my participating in the joy and wonder that have accompanied their parenthood. a more optimistic outlook on life than possessed by my younger, wild and often angry self has helped. finding someone i wanted to marry (another thing i was never sure i'd do), someone who definitely wanted kids, put the glimmer of possibility into my mind. at that point i thought i'd be willing to adopt, but that i didn't want or need to have my own kids. (it's like adopting rescue dogs and cats, right? there are so many out there already.) and then the biological clock kicked in and did the rest. suddenly i became obsessed with babies. where i used to fawn over puppies on the street and ignore whatever was sitting in the nearby stroller, i found myself cooing at and offering to hold any kid i came into contact with. i thought i was going insane.
and then it got worse. although my partner and i weren't even thinking about having kids, i started to fantasize about it. and cross my fingers every month that i'd somehow end up pregnant. and often get depressed (temporarily, but noticeably) when i got my period. and i started to think... i'm 33. not old, but not getting any younger. if not now...
so we started talking about it. we did some math. (mostly him. i'm terrible at math.) we figured out when i'd need to be pregnant in order to have a kid with time to reasonably think about having a second, if we want to. and we realized that the time was, well... now. the goal is to have a baby by next spring, so i started reading and researching around the new year. (and trying to wean myself off coffee. sigh.) our original plan was to start trying this summer, but after two of my close friends had miscarriages in the past few months, i decided sooner was definitely better than later. after all, we have no idea how long it may take us or what possible problems we may encounter. in the past five years or so, a number of friends and family members have started families. we've heard more than our fair share of trials and tribulations, and while we certainly could find ourselves in the same situation, it would be better for all of that to happen before i start to panic about drying up or whatever.
i've been off of the pill for nearly three years and have become pretty familiar with my cycle and the way that my body actually functions, which was super fascinating after years of being hormonally regulated. i'm fairly confident that i know about when i ovulate, and have done a lot of studying of the best book ever: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. this week, i let my partner know that he'd better be prepared to have a lot more sex than we've had in awhile... and we started trying, officially, yesterday.
so far i'm just amazed at how all-consuming it has been. i counted down repeatedly all week, making sure i had the timing correct. i stopped drinking coffee and alcohol as soon as my period ended. i started taking Mucinex, which i read helps create some necessary mucus. ahem. and now, well... it's just sex every day for a week or so -- which is not the easiest thing to accomplish given our wildly different sleeping schedules, busy work and social lives, and the fact that we're simultaneously trying to sell our apartment (and just not as young and passionate as we used to be. although... this process so far has been kinda hot, i have to say). it's a bit strange, too, to be actively trying to do what i spent so long trying not to let happen. and i'm not naive enough to think that we're guaranteed success on the first try, but i am prepared to be disappointed if we're not. disappointed, but hopefully still optimistic. so far, the novelty and the relative nonchalance has been pretty fun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)