cycle 4, day 13

i honestly don't know how anyone gets pregnant.

this whole process is a gigantic pain in the butt. it doesn't help that my peak days keep falling at the worst possible time.

like this cycle. yesterday and the day before were my ovulation days. i knew it both from the monitor and from the way that i felt. easy, right? we should have just gone at it happily and crossed our fingers. but... not so much. you see, monday was the day we were supposed to get news about the closing on our new house. which we didn't get. it was easily the most stressful day either of us have had in a long, long time. the hubby was working and i was home packing up the apartment, and the two of us basically waited for phone calls and emails that never came and then spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker and bitching at one another about pretty much everything. not exactly the right moood for love.

i told him that day that it was a peak day, just to let him know that we should try to find time at some point. not a good idea. that night he was too tired, and he promised we'd try the next day (yesterday). and what was yesterday? oh, just the day that we closed on the sale of our apartment, now knowing full well that we have nowhere to move after we have to vacate this place in less than a week, and also having still heard nothing definitive on our purchase. we spent the afternoon at the closing surrounded by lawyers and bank people and paperwork, arguing back and forth about post-possession terms. we spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker. and despite the fact that we did try to have a go at it twice yesterday, both times he wasn't able to... seal the deal, if you will. he was tired, he was sick to his stomach, his "head wasn't in the game," as he said.

he blames it on the stress, and i believe him. i do. but i think the stress is not just from the real estate nonsense that we're dealing with; he also really freaks out when he knows that he has to "perform." i shouldn't have said anything to him at all. he acts like he can handle it, he even jokes around about it, but when it really comes down to action, he can't carry it out. i don't know if it's an unconscious fear of the reality of parenthood, or just the pressure, or a combination of both. but it really creates tension between us, because he knows how badly i want this, and because truthfully it just makes you feel like crap when it seems like your husband just isn't all that turned on by you. i know it's not that simple, but i can't help where my mind goes.

this morning i debated waking him up for another try, truly last ditch and probably pointless, but i didn't. another frustrating interaction would really not be pleasant for either of us right now. so i guess i can pretty much call this month a wash, and hope beyond all hope that by the next time we'll be settled in our new house and able to relax a bit. fingers crossed.