sigh.
i got my period this morning after a night of little sleep due to the intense amount of both pain and anxiety i was feeling. i wanted so badly to believe that the spotting i had yesterday was implantation bleeding, but deep inside i knew it wasn't. i woke up about a zillion times during the night with awful cramps and nausea. and, sure enough, my period came on full force this morning. i've never had pms like this in my life until the past year or so. it is so frustrating, but i guess i have to shift my understanding of what's normal. suddenly, feeling shitty all the time seems to be what's normal for me. pretty infuriating.
so i look on the bright side, what little there is. i'm having a birthday party this weekend, and unlike on my actual birthday on sunday i will be DRINKING. and next weekend will likely be when i'm ovulating, and the hubby and i will be in florida for several days for a family wedding... which will provide much nicer accommodations for TTC than our last few tries in the construction zone. so. bright side it is. at least i'm trying.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
cycle 7, day 25
today is a dark day.
first of all, i feel like crap. complete and utter crap. a headache that won't respond to drugs, cramps, crabbiness, the whole nine yards. it doesn't exactly feel like pms, in fact, other than the headache it's not my usual pms at all. my boobs aren't the slightest bit sore, which is usually my biggest (pun intended) telltale sign.
and yet... i started spotting this morning.
damn it, damn it, damn it.
of course i can tell myself it's implantation bleeding, as i have in other months. but i realize how uncommon that actually is. it is much more likely that my period will kick into gear tomorrow morning, right on schedule. and i'm so pissed. for the obvious reasons -- if i'm not pregnant again.... you know. but also because i am incredibly frustrated by the way i've felt the past couple of weeks. i am experiencing symptoms -- that i know i'm not imagining -- that scream HORMONAL THINGS ARE OCCURRING!!! and if it's not because i'm pregnant, i can't help but think it's because something else is going on with me that's preventing me from getting pregnant.
so while i haven't completely given up hope yet (though i am really damn pessimistic right now), i made an appointment with my doctor. i'll have a routine exam and talk to him about next steps. it's a good thing i called today, because the first appointment i could get isn't for two weeks anyway. and i suppose on the off chance that i am pregnant, it can just be a super early check-in. but right now, i'm finding it hard to stay hopeful about that. i am scared that my body is malfunctioning and that it's just not ever going to happen for me. who knows how much of this mental state is simply being caused by the fact that it's been seven months now and i'm feeling depressed and negative about the whole thing, but i really don't think i can ignore how i've been feeling. i felt so completely bizarre for almost a week... i should not be feeling this way unless something out of the ordinary is happening in my body.
so... nothing else i can do now but what i've been doing for months. wait. wait for my period, wait to see the doctor. and hope he'll have some insight... because hearing that i just need to continue to wait is not at all what i want to hear.
first of all, i feel like crap. complete and utter crap. a headache that won't respond to drugs, cramps, crabbiness, the whole nine yards. it doesn't exactly feel like pms, in fact, other than the headache it's not my usual pms at all. my boobs aren't the slightest bit sore, which is usually my biggest (pun intended) telltale sign.
and yet... i started spotting this morning.
damn it, damn it, damn it.
of course i can tell myself it's implantation bleeding, as i have in other months. but i realize how uncommon that actually is. it is much more likely that my period will kick into gear tomorrow morning, right on schedule. and i'm so pissed. for the obvious reasons -- if i'm not pregnant again.... you know. but also because i am incredibly frustrated by the way i've felt the past couple of weeks. i am experiencing symptoms -- that i know i'm not imagining -- that scream HORMONAL THINGS ARE OCCURRING!!! and if it's not because i'm pregnant, i can't help but think it's because something else is going on with me that's preventing me from getting pregnant.
so while i haven't completely given up hope yet (though i am really damn pessimistic right now), i made an appointment with my doctor. i'll have a routine exam and talk to him about next steps. it's a good thing i called today, because the first appointment i could get isn't for two weeks anyway. and i suppose on the off chance that i am pregnant, it can just be a super early check-in. but right now, i'm finding it hard to stay hopeful about that. i am scared that my body is malfunctioning and that it's just not ever going to happen for me. who knows how much of this mental state is simply being caused by the fact that it's been seven months now and i'm feeling depressed and negative about the whole thing, but i really don't think i can ignore how i've been feeling. i felt so completely bizarre for almost a week... i should not be feeling this way unless something out of the ordinary is happening in my body.
so... nothing else i can do now but what i've been doing for months. wait. wait for my period, wait to see the doctor. and hope he'll have some insight... because hearing that i just need to continue to wait is not at all what i want to hear.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
cycle 7, day 23
of course the pregnancy test was negative. i really wish i could keep myself from doing that, but at least once i've taken one i know better than to think about it again. the ovulation monitor hasn't even told me i should be getting my period yet. i guess tomorrow would be the first realistic possibility.
and wouldn't you know that, other than a sort of sore back (possibly from sleeping on a mattress on the floor) and a few cramps here and there, i feel absolutely normal now. not pms-y, but not at all like i was last week. totally great, actually. in good spirits, good sex drive, and not at all crappy. so... who knows. maybe that was just me with not enough sleep, eating salad every day for lunch because my workplace food is just too damn delicious and healthy.
in other news, another friend my age had a miscarriage last week. it really terrifies me how often this seems to happen now that we're in our 30s.
oh, and i'm 34 now so i suppose i should change the name of this blog. happy birthday to me! sigh.
and wouldn't you know that, other than a sort of sore back (possibly from sleeping on a mattress on the floor) and a few cramps here and there, i feel absolutely normal now. not pms-y, but not at all like i was last week. totally great, actually. in good spirits, good sex drive, and not at all crappy. so... who knows. maybe that was just me with not enough sleep, eating salad every day for lunch because my workplace food is just too damn delicious and healthy.
in other news, another friend my age had a miscarriage last week. it really terrifies me how often this seems to happen now that we're in our 30s.
oh, and i'm 34 now so i suppose i should change the name of this blog. happy birthday to me! sigh.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
cycle 7, day 19
the cramps and excessive peeing seem to have died down. nothing else going on other than some nausea that started yesterday, but it's not a big deal. still have a little headache, am pretty tired, and have a weird general vibe about me. i hate to say it -- or type it -- but i really do feel... different. i can't quite put my finger on it, but i really have my hopes up, more than i like to admit.
nothing to do now but wait... i have agreed to let myself take a pregnancy test on sunday as a birthday present to myself... hopefully it's a good one.
nothing to do now but wait... i have agreed to let myself take a pregnancy test on sunday as a birthday present to myself... hopefully it's a good one.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
cycle 7, day 18
wow, i got so pissed at my therapist yesterday.
normally she's wonderful and insightful and, yes, tough on me. which is good. and there have certainly been times in the past where i haven't felt that we're connecting on a particular day or when i disagree with something that she tells me. but then there are times that i just think she's clueless and pathologizing me for no good reason other than her disconnect from some aspects of my life. case in point: TTC. she doesn't have kids and i don't think ever tried to have kids. of course she has patients who are and have been in the same boat as i am, and she's a woman, so she knows a bit about the process. but she clearly doesn't know a) about the internet, and b) about TTC insanity.
which is unfortunate, because she's a therapist, specifically charged with dealing with all types of insanity.
i was telling her about my out-of-the-ordinary "symptoms" this cycle, which i FREELY ADMIT may not actually be pregnancy signs and know that i am overthinking it. i told her this. she was already a bit skeptical, and then i said something about, "so i googled 'peeing all the time 8 dpo...'" and she lost it. she went on a tirade about how counterproductive it is for me to be obsessing over this and that i need to stop. now, i use psychological language a lot when i don't really mean the technical/psychological definition -- like we all do -- and she corrects me. like i've told her that i was feeling anti-social, and she rephrases so that we know that what i really mean is that i don't feel like hanging out with friends, not that i have removed myself from the mores of society. or i say that i'm "a little OCD" and she says something like, "so you're saying you're overly detailed oriented." and so on. but yesterday she was the one who used the word obsessive, and when i tried to tone it down she wouldn't let it slide.
she seems to think that it's possible to not let the possibility that i'm pregnant cross my mind during the two week wait. she, in fact, advised me that this is exactly what i should do: put it out of my mind. she demanded to know why i needed to analyze every little odd physical sensation, and kept reminding me that it doesn't matter that "everyone i know" has acted the same way when they've been trying. and i kept repeating... i don't know why. sure, it sounds lovely to not think about it. absolutely. that was my intention, and i wish i could stick to it. but somehow it's all-encompassing. not that i sit around and do nothing but think about it. obviously i am able to do my job and watch TV and walk the dog and talk to people. (i am not anti-social, remember?) but i haven't been able to put it completely from my mind.
and i'm not using peer pressure as an excuse, but i do wonder... maybe we're just wired this way. i know very, very few women who haven't done and felt exactly the same way as i am when they were TTC. it's just such a huge, bizarre thing to imagine... how is it possible that there could be a tiny baby coming to be inside me and we don't even know it??? or maybe it's just another example of how technology is not serving us well. too much information. WHY are there seventy different message boards where people can post their early pregnancy symptoms? is this necessary? no, most likely. but it's out there, and looking at it makes me feel like i have something to do during the two week wait. which, for a Type-A person like myself, helps.
in any case, i don't think i'm going to change my behavior. truthfully, although i agree with her that it's definitely not HELPING my cause to "obsess" over it, i don't really think it's hurting it, either. i'll be disappointed if i'm not pregnant again regardless of whether i notice the fact that i have a weird taste in my mouth and i'm peeing every half hour. and i was quite a bit miffed that my therapist seems to think that i'm such a freak. (well, more than the usual freak that she knows i am. again: her job.) but seriously, not that i'd do anything that anyone else did just for the sake of doing it, but i don't feel alone in this. and, to be honest, i kind of like it. it's part of the ride at which someday i hope i'll be able to laugh.
normally she's wonderful and insightful and, yes, tough on me. which is good. and there have certainly been times in the past where i haven't felt that we're connecting on a particular day or when i disagree with something that she tells me. but then there are times that i just think she's clueless and pathologizing me for no good reason other than her disconnect from some aspects of my life. case in point: TTC. she doesn't have kids and i don't think ever tried to have kids. of course she has patients who are and have been in the same boat as i am, and she's a woman, so she knows a bit about the process. but she clearly doesn't know a) about the internet, and b) about TTC insanity.
which is unfortunate, because she's a therapist, specifically charged with dealing with all types of insanity.
i was telling her about my out-of-the-ordinary "symptoms" this cycle, which i FREELY ADMIT may not actually be pregnancy signs and know that i am overthinking it. i told her this. she was already a bit skeptical, and then i said something about, "so i googled 'peeing all the time 8 dpo...'" and she lost it. she went on a tirade about how counterproductive it is for me to be obsessing over this and that i need to stop. now, i use psychological language a lot when i don't really mean the technical/psychological definition -- like we all do -- and she corrects me. like i've told her that i was feeling anti-social, and she rephrases so that we know that what i really mean is that i don't feel like hanging out with friends, not that i have removed myself from the mores of society. or i say that i'm "a little OCD" and she says something like, "so you're saying you're overly detailed oriented." and so on. but yesterday she was the one who used the word obsessive, and when i tried to tone it down she wouldn't let it slide.
she seems to think that it's possible to not let the possibility that i'm pregnant cross my mind during the two week wait. she, in fact, advised me that this is exactly what i should do: put it out of my mind. she demanded to know why i needed to analyze every little odd physical sensation, and kept reminding me that it doesn't matter that "everyone i know" has acted the same way when they've been trying. and i kept repeating... i don't know why. sure, it sounds lovely to not think about it. absolutely. that was my intention, and i wish i could stick to it. but somehow it's all-encompassing. not that i sit around and do nothing but think about it. obviously i am able to do my job and watch TV and walk the dog and talk to people. (i am not anti-social, remember?) but i haven't been able to put it completely from my mind.
and i'm not using peer pressure as an excuse, but i do wonder... maybe we're just wired this way. i know very, very few women who haven't done and felt exactly the same way as i am when they were TTC. it's just such a huge, bizarre thing to imagine... how is it possible that there could be a tiny baby coming to be inside me and we don't even know it??? or maybe it's just another example of how technology is not serving us well. too much information. WHY are there seventy different message boards where people can post their early pregnancy symptoms? is this necessary? no, most likely. but it's out there, and looking at it makes me feel like i have something to do during the two week wait. which, for a Type-A person like myself, helps.
in any case, i don't think i'm going to change my behavior. truthfully, although i agree with her that it's definitely not HELPING my cause to "obsess" over it, i don't really think it's hurting it, either. i'll be disappointed if i'm not pregnant again regardless of whether i notice the fact that i have a weird taste in my mouth and i'm peeing every half hour. and i was quite a bit miffed that my therapist seems to think that i'm such a freak. (well, more than the usual freak that she knows i am. again: her job.) but seriously, not that i'd do anything that anyone else did just for the sake of doing it, but i don't feel alone in this. and, to be honest, i kind of like it. it's part of the ride at which someday i hope i'll be able to laugh.
Monday, September 20, 2010
cycle 7, day 17
i may be crazy, but i'm feeling antsier than ever about this month. i have a feeling... a little feeling... like hope, serious hope.
also i still have these tiny little cramps on my right side, very low down, not painful but noticeable. same goes for my headache. little twinges now and again, nothing awful. my abdomen feels kind of bloated and gross, like i'm gassy or really full, pretty much all the time. it seems way too early for it to be pms.
and i'm peeing like a racehorse. not sure what that has to do with anything, but i seriously am going pee about four times as often as usual.
trying desperately not to obsess. but feeling really... hopeful.
also i still have these tiny little cramps on my right side, very low down, not painful but noticeable. same goes for my headache. little twinges now and again, nothing awful. my abdomen feels kind of bloated and gross, like i'm gassy or really full, pretty much all the time. it seems way too early for it to be pms.
and i'm peeing like a racehorse. not sure what that has to do with anything, but i seriously am going pee about four times as often as usual.
trying desperately not to obsess. but feeling really... hopeful.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
cycle 7, day 15
okay, so i really wanted not think about it this time around but i'm quite distracted by the weird things my body is doing. which, of course, could have nothing to do with anything. but they might! i'm just 5 days post-ovulation (5dpo, as they say in the internet world) but the past two days i've had some slight cramps -- just little twinges, mostly -- as well as a headache (started today), scratchy throat and weird cold-like feeling, and a verrrrry different fluid situation than i'm used to. typically by the time ovulation is over i'm pretty dry these days, but that hasn't been the case. so obviously my brain wheels are turning and my mental fingers are crossed that this time is the one. eek!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
cycle 7
well, in all likelihood this month's window of opportunity has passed, so here's what we have for cycle 7:
ovulation days: 10, 11
attempts: days 8, 10, 11, 12
about as good as i can hope for, i suppose. other than day 9. it was just such a busy day. sigh. so now we wait... i am currently drinking what i hope will be my last coffee (again). i read another article recently about the dangers of caffeine for developing babies so hopefully i'll be able to stick to it this time. i should also start thinking about saving the daily starbucks donation for baby stuff, when and if it actually happens. stay tuned...
ovulation days: 10, 11
attempts: days 8, 10, 11, 12
about as good as i can hope for, i suppose. other than day 9. it was just such a busy day. sigh. so now we wait... i am currently drinking what i hope will be my last coffee (again). i read another article recently about the dangers of caffeine for developing babies so hopefully i'll be able to stick to it this time. i should also start thinking about saving the daily starbucks donation for baby stuff, when and if it actually happens. stay tuned...
Monday, September 13, 2010
cycle 7, day 10
so, i wasn't pregnant again last time around. you would have heard from me before now, if so. it's super frustrated to have been trying -- actually trying -- for six months now and to realize that i completely assumed (despite whatever i said) that it wouldn't take us this long. i've also nearly missed my perfect timing with the school year window, which makes me sad. not that it's the end of the world if i have a baby in the summer or fall, but for a teacher giving birth in the spring is just ideal for time off and such. and the planner that i am unconsciously figured, i guess, that i'd be able to plan this with as much detail and precision as everything else in my life. boy, was i wrong about that.
but... it's ovulation day again!
man, this is getting exhausting. particularly now that the school year has started and i'm working full time again. but the monitor says today (and tomorrow) are my peak days, and we tried on saturday and again this morning... i figure we'll try to get two more tries in within the next 48 hours and call that a pretty impressive effort considering i'm waking up at 5am again and won't be home for 14 hours or more the next two days! oh, and we're still essentially homeless and alternating between sleeping in our housemates' beds and air mattresses on the floor of our still-under-construction apartment.
i had a bit of a meltdown after i got my period last month. it was quite different than the previous time. instead of being crushed that i wasn't pregnant, i found myself relieved and thinking that maybe i don't want to get pregnant after all. it was hard to tell if that was just a defense mechanism kicking in ("yeah, so what? i didn't want a stupid baby anyway. hmph.") or if there was something to it. plus the hubby and i have been at each other's throats over the house renovation, so the thought of embarking on the hugest project EVER with him was scaring the pants off me. or rather, scaring me into wanting to keep my pants ON.
but after things calmed down a bit and we had a couple of nights during which we both got a decent amount of sleep, we talked it out. i guess i wasn't entirely sure how invested he was in the process for any of his own reasons... i didn't want to be pressuring him into parenthood if he wasn't ready. and he still isn't sure that he's ready... but who is, really? it has become clear that i'm certainly not, either. and i'm still worried that fertility may be an issue for us, even though i know there's no real grounds to believe that yet. we decided i could call my doctor and talk it out with him, but that right now we suppose we'll just keep doing what we've been doing. so even though our talk didn't resolve or change much, it made me feel better.
so here we are on try #7... a couple more days and the waiting game begins again. ho, hum.
but... it's ovulation day again!
man, this is getting exhausting. particularly now that the school year has started and i'm working full time again. but the monitor says today (and tomorrow) are my peak days, and we tried on saturday and again this morning... i figure we'll try to get two more tries in within the next 48 hours and call that a pretty impressive effort considering i'm waking up at 5am again and won't be home for 14 hours or more the next two days! oh, and we're still essentially homeless and alternating between sleeping in our housemates' beds and air mattresses on the floor of our still-under-construction apartment.
i had a bit of a meltdown after i got my period last month. it was quite different than the previous time. instead of being crushed that i wasn't pregnant, i found myself relieved and thinking that maybe i don't want to get pregnant after all. it was hard to tell if that was just a defense mechanism kicking in ("yeah, so what? i didn't want a stupid baby anyway. hmph.") or if there was something to it. plus the hubby and i have been at each other's throats over the house renovation, so the thought of embarking on the hugest project EVER with him was scaring the pants off me. or rather, scaring me into wanting to keep my pants ON.
but after things calmed down a bit and we had a couple of nights during which we both got a decent amount of sleep, we talked it out. i guess i wasn't entirely sure how invested he was in the process for any of his own reasons... i didn't want to be pressuring him into parenthood if he wasn't ready. and he still isn't sure that he's ready... but who is, really? it has become clear that i'm certainly not, either. and i'm still worried that fertility may be an issue for us, even though i know there's no real grounds to believe that yet. we decided i could call my doctor and talk it out with him, but that right now we suppose we'll just keep doing what we've been doing. so even though our talk didn't resolve or change much, it made me feel better.
so here we are on try #7... a couple more days and the waiting game begins again. ho, hum.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)