cycle 7, day 18

wow, i got so pissed at my therapist yesterday.

normally she's wonderful and insightful and, yes, tough on me. which is good. and there have certainly been times in the past where i haven't felt that we're connecting on a particular day or when i disagree with something that she tells me. but then there are times that i just think she's clueless and pathologizing me for no good reason other than her disconnect from some aspects of my life. case in point: TTC. she doesn't have kids and i don't think ever tried to have kids. of course she has patients who are and have been in the same boat as i am, and she's a woman, so she knows a bit about the process. but she clearly doesn't know a) about the internet, and b) about TTC insanity.

which is unfortunate, because she's a therapist, specifically charged with dealing with all types of insanity.

i was telling her about my out-of-the-ordinary "symptoms" this cycle, which i FREELY ADMIT may not actually be pregnancy signs and know that i am overthinking it. i told her this. she was already a bit skeptical, and then i said something about, "so i googled 'peeing all the time 8 dpo...'" and she lost it. she went on a tirade about how counterproductive it is for me to be obsessing over this and that i need to stop. now, i use psychological language a lot when i don't really mean the technical/psychological definition -- like we all do -- and she corrects me. like i've told her that i was feeling anti-social, and she rephrases so that we know that what i really mean is that i don't feel like hanging out with friends, not that i have removed myself from the mores of society. or i say that i'm "a little OCD" and she says something like, "so you're saying you're overly detailed oriented." and so on. but yesterday she was the one who used the word obsessive, and when i tried to tone it down she wouldn't let it slide.

she seems to think that it's possible to not let the possibility that i'm pregnant cross my mind during the two week wait. she, in fact, advised me that this is exactly what i should do: put it out of my mind. she demanded to know why i needed to analyze every little odd physical sensation, and kept reminding me that it doesn't matter that "everyone i know" has acted the same way when they've been trying. and i kept repeating... i don't know why. sure, it sounds lovely to not think about it. absolutely. that was my intention, and i wish i could stick to it. but somehow it's all-encompassing. not that i sit around and do nothing but think about it. obviously i am able to do my job and watch TV and walk the dog and talk to people. (i am not anti-social, remember?) but i haven't been able to put it completely from my mind.

and i'm not using peer pressure as an excuse, but i do wonder... maybe we're just wired this way. i know very, very few women who haven't done and felt exactly the same way as i am when they were TTC. it's just such a huge, bizarre thing to imagine... how is it possible that there could be a tiny baby coming to be inside me and we don't even know it??? or maybe it's just another example of how technology is not serving us well. too much information. WHY are there seventy different message boards where people can post their early pregnancy symptoms? is this necessary? no, most likely. but it's out there, and looking at it makes me feel like i have something to do during the two week wait. which, for a Type-A person like myself, helps.

in any case, i don't think i'm going to change my behavior. truthfully, although i agree with her that it's definitely not HELPING my cause to "obsess" over it, i don't really think it's hurting it, either. i'll be disappointed if i'm not pregnant again regardless of whether i notice the fact that i have a weird taste in my mouth and i'm peeing every half hour. and i was quite a bit miffed that my therapist seems to think that i'm such a freak. (well, more than the usual freak that she knows i am. again: her job.) but seriously, not that i'd do anything that anyone else did just for the sake of doing it, but i don't feel alone in this. and, to be honest, i kind of like it. it's part of the ride at which someday i hope i'll be able to laugh.