so, i wasn't pregnant again last time around. you would have heard from me before now, if so. it's super frustrated to have been trying -- actually trying -- for six months now and to realize that i completely assumed (despite whatever i said) that it wouldn't take us this long. i've also nearly missed my perfect timing with the school year window, which makes me sad. not that it's the end of the world if i have a baby in the summer or fall, but for a teacher giving birth in the spring is just ideal for time off and such. and the planner that i am unconsciously figured, i guess, that i'd be able to plan this with as much detail and precision as everything else in my life. boy, was i wrong about that.
but... it's ovulation day again!
man, this is getting exhausting. particularly now that the school year has started and i'm working full time again. but the monitor says today (and tomorrow) are my peak days, and we tried on saturday and again this morning... i figure we'll try to get two more tries in within the next 48 hours and call that a pretty impressive effort considering i'm waking up at 5am again and won't be home for 14 hours or more the next two days! oh, and we're still essentially homeless and alternating between sleeping in our housemates' beds and air mattresses on the floor of our still-under-construction apartment.
i had a bit of a meltdown after i got my period last month. it was quite different than the previous time. instead of being crushed that i wasn't pregnant, i found myself relieved and thinking that maybe i don't want to get pregnant after all. it was hard to tell if that was just a defense mechanism kicking in ("yeah, so what? i didn't want a stupid baby anyway. hmph.") or if there was something to it. plus the hubby and i have been at each other's throats over the house renovation, so the thought of embarking on the hugest project EVER with him was scaring the pants off me. or rather, scaring me into wanting to keep my pants ON.
but after things calmed down a bit and we had a couple of nights during which we both got a decent amount of sleep, we talked it out. i guess i wasn't entirely sure how invested he was in the process for any of his own reasons... i didn't want to be pressuring him into parenthood if he wasn't ready. and he still isn't sure that he's ready... but who is, really? it has become clear that i'm certainly not, either. and i'm still worried that fertility may be an issue for us, even though i know there's no real grounds to believe that yet. we decided i could call my doctor and talk it out with him, but that right now we suppose we'll just keep doing what we've been doing. so even though our talk didn't resolve or change much, it made me feel better.
so here we are on try #7... a couple more days and the waiting game begins again. ho, hum.
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