cycle 7, day 25

today is a dark day.

first of all, i feel like crap. complete and utter crap. a headache that won't respond to drugs, cramps, crabbiness, the whole nine yards. it doesn't exactly feel like pms, in fact, other than the headache it's not my usual pms at all. my boobs aren't the slightest bit sore, which is usually my biggest (pun intended) telltale sign.

and yet... i started spotting this morning.

damn it, damn it, damn it.

of course i can tell myself it's implantation bleeding, as i have in other months. but i realize how uncommon that actually is. it is much more likely that my period will kick into gear tomorrow morning, right on schedule. and i'm so pissed. for the obvious reasons -- if i'm not pregnant again.... you know. but also because i am incredibly frustrated by the way i've felt the past couple of weeks. i am experiencing symptoms -- that i know i'm not imagining -- that scream HORMONAL THINGS ARE OCCURRING!!! and if it's not because i'm pregnant, i can't help but think it's because something else is going on with me that's preventing me from getting pregnant.

so while i haven't completely given up hope yet (though i am really damn pessimistic right now), i made an appointment with my doctor. i'll have a routine exam and talk to him about next steps. it's a good thing i called today, because the first appointment i could get isn't for two weeks anyway. and i suppose on the off chance that i am pregnant, it can just be a super early check-in. but right now, i'm finding it hard to stay hopeful about that. i am scared that my body is malfunctioning and that it's just not ever going to happen for me. who knows how much of this mental state is simply being caused by the fact that it's been seven months now and i'm feeling depressed and negative about the whole thing, but i really don't think i can ignore how i've been feeling. i felt so completely bizarre for almost a week... i should not be feeling this way unless something out of the ordinary is happening in my body.

so... nothing else i can do now but what i've been doing for months. wait. wait for my period, wait to see the doctor. and hope he'll have some insight... because hearing that i just need to continue to wait is not at all what i want to hear.