cycle 4, day 13 part 2

i should add that within an hour of my previous post, the hubby woke up and called me back into the bedroom as if to disprove everything i was thinking. so... yeah. still not certain of our chances this time around, but i'm feeling a heck of a lot better in general. :)

cycle 4, day 13

i honestly don't know how anyone gets pregnant.

this whole process is a gigantic pain in the butt. it doesn't help that my peak days keep falling at the worst possible time.

like this cycle. yesterday and the day before were my ovulation days. i knew it both from the monitor and from the way that i felt. easy, right? we should have just gone at it happily and crossed our fingers. but... not so much. you see, monday was the day we were supposed to get news about the closing on our new house. which we didn't get. it was easily the most stressful day either of us have had in a long, long time. the hubby was working and i was home packing up the apartment, and the two of us basically waited for phone calls and emails that never came and then spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker and bitching at one another about pretty much everything. not exactly the right moood for love.

i told him that day that it was a peak day, just to let him know that we should try to find time at some point. not a good idea. that night he was too tired, and he promised we'd try the next day (yesterday). and what was yesterday? oh, just the day that we closed on the sale of our apartment, now knowing full well that we have nowhere to move after we have to vacate this place in less than a week, and also having still heard nothing definitive on our purchase. we spent the afternoon at the closing surrounded by lawyers and bank people and paperwork, arguing back and forth about post-possession terms. we spent the evening cursing out our mortgage broker. and despite the fact that we did try to have a go at it twice yesterday, both times he wasn't able to... seal the deal, if you will. he was tired, he was sick to his stomach, his "head wasn't in the game," as he said.

he blames it on the stress, and i believe him. i do. but i think the stress is not just from the real estate nonsense that we're dealing with; he also really freaks out when he knows that he has to "perform." i shouldn't have said anything to him at all. he acts like he can handle it, he even jokes around about it, but when it really comes down to action, he can't carry it out. i don't know if it's an unconscious fear of the reality of parenthood, or just the pressure, or a combination of both. but it really creates tension between us, because he knows how badly i want this, and because truthfully it just makes you feel like crap when it seems like your husband just isn't all that turned on by you. i know it's not that simple, but i can't help where my mind goes.

this morning i debated waking him up for another try, truly last ditch and probably pointless, but i didn't. another frustrating interaction would really not be pleasant for either of us right now. so i guess i can pretty much call this month a wash, and hope beyond all hope that by the next time we'll be settled in our new house and able to relax a bit. fingers crossed.

cycle 3, day 27

took a test this morning. negative, of course.

still no period. i spent all of last night total miserable and nauseated. the hubby reminded me that on the months i get really heavy, nasty periods (about every other cycle) that my PMS is much worse, and that this is probably what's going on. sadly. other months when i've felt this way, it's been earlier on... i remember in january i felt crappy for almost ages after ovulation but then i actually felt fine leading up to when i got my period. but it makes sense that that's what's going on now. i just wish i'd get my freakin' period already so i could stop thinking about it. argh.

cycle 3, day 26

i have felt like i am going to get my period for days now. cramps, sore, headaches, the whole package deal. today, realistically, is the first day it could have started, assuming i don't have some kind of super out-of-the-ordinary cycle going on. every second it doesn't show up, i get more and more hopeful. while i know we don't have much of a chance this month, i find myself with REALLY high hopes that are probably not a good thing. i can feel that i'm going to be really disappointed if it doesn't happen... mostly because my little "starting early" window has already closed! originally i wanted to have three months of serious trying to make sure i got pregnant by the end of the summer. now, here it is -- summer... and three months have almost already passed unsuccessfully. i know, and the hubby keeps reminding me, that we didn't do a very good job trying these past three months... especially this cycle. so i shouldn't be so forlorn. i know this. but this is really not a rational thought process! *sigh.* i expect if i don't get my period tonight that i will take a test when i wake up in the morning... also probably not the best idea (those things are not cheap!), but i'm going a little loopy.

cycle 3, day 24

my handy ovulation monitor started telling me two days ago that i would get my period soon. i thought it was early, but i guess considering when i ovulated it makes sense. the first day it started flashing "m" i didn't feel like it was coming, other than some tiny cramps. but now i really feel like it could arrive at any moment. i was positive i would get it yesterday, and it still hasn't come today. i had a twinge of a headache yesterday, but not my usual pre-period pain. typically i don't feel this way for more than two days without it starting, so i guess by mid-week i could take a test if it doesn't. i'm not feeling incredibly optimistic about the possibility this month, but you never do know!

cycle 3

wow, we really did not do our best this time around! we did have the ovulation monitor, which was a bonus. but it's been such a busy couple of weeks that i couldn't even prioritize the trying. the day that i ovulated i passed out in bed hours before the hubby did and was so tired i really couldn't have cared less. the next morning, though, he left me a note in the bathrooom for me to find when i got up at te godawful hour i have to sometimes for work, telling me to wake him up before i left if i wanted to. that was a lovely start to the day! it also reassured me that he really is invested in this little project. :) however, that was pretty much it for this month in terms of timeliness...

ovulation: day 12/13
attempts: day 13, 15

so... yeah. hopefully when summer vacation rolls around we'll have a little more down time to devote to this. but, you never know...