negative... again.

i don't really have anything else to say.

two-week wait

it's been a bit of a rollercoaster the past 24 hours but i am feeling fine now. perhaps because i was finally allowed to have actual, real sex and boy, did i need it!

this morning my ovulation monitor still didn't think i was ovulating. it has given me a "high fertility" but not "peak" sign for the past several days. though i knew this was slightly illogical, i was completely freaked out that the doctor had gotten it wrong and that we did the inseminations way too early. when i took my temperature it seemed to indicate that i did ovulate. and i suppose it makes sense that blood tests and sonograms/ultrasounds (wtf is the difference? the docs use them interchangeably) are better predictors than peeing on a stick at the demand of a $200 over-the-counter product. and, indeed, i went to the doctor and she said that i did ovulate, and that everything looked great. huh. i guess i don't need to use the monitor anymore... i had a hunch that the hormones i'm pumping myself full of might screw it up, and i assume that's what's happened. again i wonder if it might have screwed us up in months past... but i'm not dwelling on that, either.

so now we embark on another two-week wait. i go back two weeks from yesterday (wednesday the 31) for the blood test unless i get my period first, which i doubt will happen. i start the progesterone on saturday, so i can look forward to more stomach aches. and that's that! i am going to do my darnedest to think about it only productively and not to get too wrapped up in the wait. at least i've got back-to-school to keep me busy!

end of round 2

i went this morning for the 2nd IUI of this cycle. i told the hubby he didn't have to come with me, since he had a busy work day ahead and a home appraiser coming to look at our house this morning (we're refinancing... crazytown). i really felt like it wasn't that big of a deal... i like having him there, but i know it's stressful for him when he's working, and i'm fine on my own. right? well... most of the time.

on monday in therapy my therapist was pushing me to dig deep into my feelings about all of this and i/we realized that i've really been making myself numb to the whole process. i know that it was in an attempt to not feel discouraged. i told myself that the ups and downs were just too much, and once i knew something definitively -- one way or another -- i would let myself react properly. but my therapist worries (rightfully so) about my history of depression and about how easily i could stay in this state of numbness for... who knows how long. she said what if i did get pregnant, and couldn't be happy about it because i was worried about miscarrying or something, and then the cycle could go on and on. the truth is that i know it's better to let myself feel things. i lived a good portion of my life not allowing myself to emotionally connect to much of anything. and it made me a very angry person. this is what i've been in therapy for for the past five years. so i know she's right. but i really wasn't into the idea of letting myself feel the frustration and the anger that i am actually feeling about this whole TTC situation.

so she made me say it ("i'm angry! i just want to get pregnant like a normal person!") and then shout it, and bring myself almost to the point of tears in our session on monday, and then told me i needed to try to allow myself to really feel what's going on inside of me as i lived through the IUI this week. i thought i was giving it the college try, but it wasn't until this morning when i really, finally, connected. and then i lost it and was sobbing in the exam room.

nice.

it started because there were only two doctors there today, so the wait time was a bit longer than usual. just a touch. but it was enough. normally once they get me in the room and prep me and take the blood and i have the washed specimen in hand the doctor comes in within five minutes and we get started with the insemination. today it took about 15 minutes. and since i was sitting in there alone... my brain got the best of me. it started with general anxiety about the wait (would i make it home in time to meet my friend who's coming to visit? is the sperm dying in the test tube in my hot little hand?), moved to anger (what the f*ck, people. what's going on out there?) and finally morphed into all-out anguish that i'm even living through this in the first place. i stuck my head out of the room (knowing the nurses' station was right across from the door) and asked if someone was coming soon and they told me it would just be a little longer for the doctor. they probably thought i was nuts, standing there in the doorway holding a spermy test tube and the paper exam sheet around me like some kind of awful wrap-around skirt.

i went back in and was frantically wiping my tears away when the doctor came in and said, "don't worry, we didn't forget about you!" and then i just started sobbing. she was kind, of course, and said she knows the process is frustrating and that my hormones are probably wreaking havoc with my head, and i did my best to calm down as quickly as i could. but it was hard! i wished today's doc had been the middle-aged and very maternal greek lady instead of this girl who's even younger than me, but she did her best to comfort me. she asked if i need a couple of minutes or if i wanted a drink of water, and offered me gauze to wipe up my face! that gave me the little giggle i needed to get things under control.

but i am angry. and frustrated. and i've played this game throughout this process where i've continually reminded myself that this isn't the end of the world and i don't have the right to feel worry for myself. i'm not dying of a terminal illness. i have the money/insurance and the ability to pursue these non-traditional ways of getting pregnant. if i don't get pregnant, we can adopt. i know all of these things to be true, and i know that there are a lot of other people in the world who are suffering much worse than i am. but the truth is... i'm really pissed. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i'm sad. it doesn't seem fair.

i don't like being a victim. there is very little else i like less in the world than receiving people's sympathy. i HATE when other people feel badly for me. it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. that's also something i've been dealing with for a long time in therapy: when bad things happen to me, i often don't let myself dwell on them because i want to show people that i'm strong and that they don't need to worry about me. so this is another battle i have to fight in my head... because i am hurting over this, and i suppose i could use whatever support people have to give.

in the end, the insemination went smoothly as usual. the specimen was another above average one (51 million) and the doc said it looks like i'm in the process of ovulating. i will go back in the morning to confirm ovulation and then they'll give me further instructions, which i assume will be to start using those godawful nausea-inducing suppositories again and come back in two weeks for a pregnancy test. and for today, i'm going to try to relax, enjoy myself with my friend, and also let myself feel. this f*cking sucks, i'm not gonna lie. all i can hope is that it will all be worth it.

IUI again

this morning i went in for the first of our 2nd round of IUIs. since we know the procedure now, it went pretty smoothly. the doctor who did my surgery did the insemination; i haven't had a procedure with her since, and i was happy to see her again. she's very laid-back and funny. she told us that it was a great specimen: 81 million sperm, which is kind of ridiculous. the hubby is VERY proud of this. the minimum required for IUI is 20 million, last time he had 41 million, which was impressive enough... this is just kind of silly. i almost feel like if it doesn't work now, how could it ever? she also said it was 53% motility, which they didn't tell us last time, but that's higher than his sample was when he was tested in the fall, so that's also good.

anyway, the rest went just like last time. they did the ultrasound to see how my follicles were, and while there are a few more developing it's just going to be that one monstrous early developer that we have to work with this cycle. once that bursts -- as it should today or tomorrow -- my hormones will shift and any remaining developing follicles (there were a couple today) won't have a chance to catch up. this one just got a running start out of the gate for some reason. hopefully that means it's a good, strong one! or something. they did the insemination, took my blood, and that was that.

they also gave me the hcg (ovulation trigger) shot before i left the office to make sure that things happen in the next 24-36 hours, and we'll go back in the morning for another insemination. and then it's back to the two-week wait. seems like that's how i've been spending the bulk of my time lately. but i guess it's good to not have too much wasted time in between attempts. ok, time for a nap. the damn hormone injections make me so sleepy. but at least i'm done with them already! fancy that.

sooner rather than later...

i went back to the doctor this morning and it seems that things are progressing even faster than last month. i was doubtful and worried that we were rushing it, and i voiced those concerns to the doc. but she insisted that follicle size and uterine lining quality were telling her i was almost ready to ovulate, and that the bloodwork would be the final word. i just called to get the results of the bloodwork, and it seems that my estrogen levels are high enough that they want to do the first insemination tomorrow.

the sad news is that there's only one follicle ready, as of this morning, at least. remember the one that she told me on friday was a "leftover" from last cycle? well, she was wrong... it was one developing WAY early, and that one is about ready to go. i totally understand what the doctor told me -- that we can't wait around if that one's about to go, because if we miss it that'll be it for this cycle. i just hoped to have more follicles to up our odds. that one's in my left ovary, where there are just a couple of other little ones, and nothing doing at all in the right ovary. today's only day 6, and i normally never ovulate this early... but i know that the hormones i'm taking can alter things. maybe by tomorrow a miracle in follicle stimulation will have happened! in any case, i trust that they're on top of things at the fertility institute. so i go back in the morning with our "specimen" and also with my ovulation trigger shot, which they may have me do in the morning or tomorrow night. this process is already different than last time, but again... i have to trust them.

i can't say i won't be glad to not have to do any more injections for awhile, after the trigger one at least... i've had a really hard time with them this cycle. i thought i was all bad-ass last time, stabbing myself without thinking twice, but for some reason it's been a lot tougher the past few days. so at least that part will be done (for now)! silver linings, right?

IUI, Round 2

i got my period on wednesday -- luckily not too long after stopping the hormones. i have enjoyed feeling slightly less nauseated and awful the past couple of days, though drinking coffee (again) was a huge mistake. so sad. anyway, i went to the doctor this morning to get started on the next round of IUI. it was actually the most depressed i've been since getting the negative test result. most of this week i've been able to get myself out of my funk and feel optimistic about the next attempt, but being there this morning in that damn waiting room again with so many of the same people who have been doing all the same stuff as me all along was really a downer. i am really ready for this to be done.

but anyway. they drew blood and did a sonogram and said that my ovaries look fine, other than one of them having a "leftover" follicle that's developed for some reason. the doc said that shouldn't interfere with anything. she told me to start with one injection a day like last cycle and to come back on monday to see how things are progressing. here we go again!

negative

this morning i went in for the blood test to tell if i was pregnant, a little over two weeks after our IUI attempt. they told me they could tell definitively at this point, one way or another. i went in early this morning, somehow managed to waste five and a half hours until i could call for the results, and then was told that it came back negative.

i wasn't surprised, i guess... i didn't really have a hunch one way or another. the hormones have totally whacked out my body, so i don't even feel premenstrual. but i was definitely disappointed, and a little anxious as i realize that this is one step closer to us running out of options. but mostly i didn't have as much of a reaction as i thought i might. maybe i've just psyched myself out so badly over this that i can't react properly. hours later i'm still a little numb about it, and just trying to look ahead to the next step: another IUI cycle.

i'd been using the progesterone suppositories all along as i'd been instructed, which would have prevented me from getting my period regardless. so the nurse told me to stop them today, wait for my period, and then call them to set up my appointments to get things rolling again. apparently it takes a week for some women to get their period after stopping the progesterone... i really hope that isn't the case with me. i want to keep things moving. as it is we will barely squeeze in a second cycle of IUI before school starts. although it does sound lovely to not be taking any hormones for a few days. i've been sick to my stomach from the progesterone almost every day, not to mention being grossed out and annoyed by the discharge and vaginal swelling they cause. i could use a reprieve from all of that.

so... that's all there is to report. still can't drink alcohol or coffee on account of the other meds i'm still taking; i made the mistake of getting a latte to cheer myself up this afternoon and paid for it with crazy nausea and diarrhea tonight. sigh. but i suppose i will find other ways to distract myself until we begin again. ever onward!