i went this morning for the 2nd IUI of this cycle. i told the hubby he didn't have to come with me, since he had a busy work day ahead and a home appraiser coming to look at our house this morning (we're refinancing... crazytown). i really felt like it wasn't that big of a deal... i like having him there, but i know it's stressful for him when he's working, and i'm fine on my own. right? well... most of the time.
on monday in therapy my therapist was pushing me to dig deep into my feelings about all of this and i/we realized that i've really been making myself numb to the whole process. i know that it was in an attempt to not feel discouraged. i told myself that the ups and downs were just too much, and once i knew something definitively -- one way or another -- i would let myself react properly. but my therapist worries (rightfully so) about my history of depression and about how easily i could stay in this state of numbness for... who knows how long. she said what if i did get pregnant, and couldn't be happy about it because i was worried about miscarrying or something, and then the cycle could go on and on. the truth is that i know it's better to let myself feel things. i lived a good portion of my life not allowing myself to emotionally connect to much of anything. and it made me a very angry person. this is what i've been in therapy for for the past five years. so i know she's right. but i really wasn't into the idea of letting myself feel the frustration and the anger that i am actually feeling about this whole TTC situation.
so she made me say it ("i'm angry! i just want to get pregnant like a normal person!") and then shout it, and bring myself almost to the point of tears in our session on monday, and then told me i needed to try to allow myself to really feel what's going on inside of me as i lived through the IUI this week. i thought i was giving it the college try, but it wasn't until this morning when i really, finally, connected. and then i lost it and was sobbing in the exam room.
nice.
it started because there were only two doctors there today, so the wait time was a bit longer than usual. just a touch. but it was enough. normally once they get me in the room and prep me and take the blood and i have the washed specimen in hand the doctor comes in within five minutes and we get started with the insemination. today it took about 15 minutes. and since i was sitting in there alone... my brain got the best of me. it started with general anxiety about the wait (would i make it home in time to meet my friend who's coming to visit? is the sperm dying in the test tube in my hot little hand?), moved to anger (what the f*ck, people. what's going on out there?) and finally morphed into all-out anguish that i'm even living through this in the first place. i stuck my head out of the room (knowing the nurses' station was right across from the door) and asked if someone was coming soon and they told me it would just be a little longer for the doctor. they probably thought i was nuts, standing there in the doorway holding a spermy test tube and the paper exam sheet around me like some kind of awful wrap-around skirt.
i went back in and was frantically wiping my tears away when the doctor came in and said, "don't worry, we didn't forget about you!" and then i just started sobbing. she was kind, of course, and said she knows the process is frustrating and that my hormones are probably wreaking havoc with my head, and i did my best to calm down as quickly as i could. but it was hard! i wished today's doc had been the middle-aged and very maternal greek lady instead of this girl who's even younger than me, but she did her best to comfort me. she asked if i need a couple of minutes or if i wanted a drink of water, and offered me gauze to wipe up my face! that gave me the little giggle i needed to get things under control.
but i am angry. and frustrated. and i've played this game throughout this process where i've continually reminded myself that this isn't the end of the world and i don't have the right to feel worry for myself. i'm not dying of a terminal illness. i have the money/insurance and the ability to pursue these non-traditional ways of getting pregnant. if i don't get pregnant, we can adopt. i know all of these things to be true, and i know that there are a lot of other people in the world who are suffering much worse than i am. but the truth is... i'm really pissed. i'm angry and i'm frustrated and i'm sad. it doesn't seem fair.
i don't like being a victim. there is very little else i like less in the world than receiving people's sympathy. i HATE when other people feel badly for me. it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. that's also something i've been dealing with for a long time in therapy: when bad things happen to me, i often don't let myself dwell on them because i want to show people that i'm strong and that they don't need to worry about me. so this is another battle i have to fight in my head... because i am hurting over this, and i suppose i could use whatever support people have to give.
in the end, the insemination went smoothly as usual. the specimen was another above average one (51 million) and the doc said it looks like i'm in the process of ovulating. i will go back in the morning to confirm ovulation and then they'll give me further instructions, which i assume will be to start using those godawful nausea-inducing suppositories again and come back in two weeks for a pregnancy test. and for today, i'm going to try to relax, enjoy myself with my friend, and also let myself feel. this f*cking sucks, i'm not gonna lie. all i can hope is that it will all be worth it.
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