cycle 8, day 23

wow, holy hormones, batman.

just as i'm beginning to give thanks for my hormones not wreaking physical havoc with me this cycle (read previous post), i realize that they are totally screwing with my emotional well-being. last night i completely flipped out on the hubby in front of two friends, which he hates more than the average person because he's too sensitive for his own good (see, i can't even be nice about it NOW!). he deserved to be shut up, but i --literally -- yelled at him and caused an uncomfortable scene. when i apologized later i got all worked up and ended up yelling again. this is not my normal demeanor with him, or with anyone, really... at least not anymore. i used to be a loose cannon, in my early to mid-20s. then i learned some self-control. this aforementioned social grace seems to have completely vanished the past couple of days.

today i got roped into going on a field trip at the last minute because a teacher was sick, and while this annoyed me slightly, i handled it fine. i even was totally calm and agreeable dealing with a mob of 3rd graders in a museum for most of the day, as the only experienced teacher who wasn't falling down half-dead and running a fever (have i mentioned my school may need to be quarantined???). but then emails that i'm receiving from friends and my husband about benign and even fun things like planning holiday parties and whatnot are sending me into fits of insanity. thankfully, i'm not yelling at work. that would be irresponsible even for 25-year-old me. but i feel like my blood is boiling, and then i feel like sobbing within five minutes.

it probably also doesn't help that i keep having this insane dreams, which last night included my dearly departed grandmother holding and singing to my baby. egads, body and brain! CHILL OUT!

of course in addition to whatever my hormones are choosing to do this month, i know there's the other stressors in the background contributing to everything. i had my blood drawn yesterday and have to call tomorrow for results. and i have a hunch that part of why the hubby was so out of sorts last night was because of his little "procedure" today. i completely understand him being anxious about it, but -- at this moment, at least -- i cannot tolerate his total ignorance of how much harder this whole thing is for me, and how much harder this entire endeavor is for women in general! he really has no clue. do any men, truly? sometimes i really believe we might be extinct if child-bearing fell on them. seriously.

this afternoon i have the office to myself for the remainder of the day, which is a good thing. i need to chill, probably run out for another coffee, and try to feel like a normal person again. i've got at least three more days until my period comes (or doesn't, but probably does). i might end up locked up by then if i can't get a handle on myself. sheesh.