"infertility"

it is incredibly disheartening to read the word "infertility" scrawled in my gynecologist's pen at the bottom of a medical form, but along with this comes a feeling of relief. i am a doer. i hate nothing more than sitting around, feeling out of control, waiting for things to happen. and so now, after seven months of TTC, my doctor has stepped in.

i adore my gynecologist. if every doctor operated the way that he does, people wouldn't complain about the medical industry the way that they do. this is why i still schlep my way to the upper east side despite having moved to brooklyn six years ago; you can't find doctors like this just anywhere. his bedside manner is genuine and kind without it becoming coddling. if you have a question or concern, you can -- get this -- call him on the phone! if he's not available right then, he calls back by the end of the day. so i feel completely content having turned to him in my hour of need and i trust that he'll do what's best for me. i have no idea what i'll do when/if i actually get pregnant, as traveling so far out of my way so often (particularly when i'm fat and unhappy) is probably unwise. but i'll cross that bridge later.

as expected, he was happy to listen to my concerns and not at all dismissive of them, and was very matter-of-fact about our next steps. he said that everything looked fine in my regular exam, which is -- of course -- good. then we talked strategy.

1) the fact that my ovulation monitor has given me a positive reading each month is a good sign that i'm ovulating. he's not concerned about this being an issue.

2) next most important concern: the hubby needs to have a semen analysis. he gave me a "prescription" for him to take to a nearby lab and said we should do that as soon as possible.

3) a week from today i go back for bloodwork. he said we need to wait until well after my ovulation time to be able to get an accurate reading of my hormone situation, so today was too soon (Day 15, 3dpo).

4) if i'm not pregnant this time, i need to make an appointment for a hystogram (hysterosalpingogram) at the start of my next cycle. that, i learned today, is an outpatient hospital procedure in which dye is injected into the cervix so that they can see if my tubes are open and functional. i am not looking forward to this. however, i have read that -- assuming all is normal -- you actually have a slightly higher chance of getting pregnant the month that you have the hystogram done because it opens the tubes up more and clears stuff out. so there's that.

in the meantime, he'll let me know how my regular pap smear looks (we assume fine and normal), and he said i should get in touch with him as each of these steps are taken care of so that we can see how things are going. he agreed that seven months at my age is nothing to sneeze at and he seemed glad that i came in to start things rolling. so i'm feeling good about the process right now.

even though he wrote in the diagnosis section of the forms: "infertility." surely that's not a definite diagnosis.

and of course i'm hoping that none of this will be necessary in the end because i'll (fingers crossed!) end up pregnant this time around! we did a very thorough job of trying this cycle, and i'm feeling optimistic.

ovulation days: 11, 12
attempts: days 9, 10, 12, 13

and at least this is an "off" month for my insane pms, so regardless of how things turn out hopefully i won't end up in agony again. well... at least not physical agony. another unsuccessful month will be frustrating, but i will try to focus on our action plan. i like plans. i like action. it'll all be ok.