results

it has been a time of many results and resolutions. not least importantly, that i got my period today and so (obviously) am not pregnant. again.

but we have learned things. on friday i got my bloodwork results, which showed totally normal levels of hormones and that i did successfully ovulate, yadda yadda yadda. i was a bit suspicious about how consistent these results might be, considering that this cycle i didn't feel the awful physical hormonal symptoms that i often do... but it turns out i'm suffering from equal parts of emotional insanity (which may or may not be caused by hormones), so i'm gonna trust the scientific evidence on this one.

then today we got the results of the hubby's semen analysis. well, i shouldn't say "we." because i haven't shared the results with him yet. this is only because they aren't good results, and i'm afraid he's going to be upset. the doc said he is producing the right amount of sperm, but they move and look funny. well, he actually said "the motility and morphology are off," but whatever. he asked if he smokes or takes any medications or works in an environment where he might be exposed to anything harmful or where he's in high temperatures a lot, but none of those things are true (other than some occasional pot-smoking, which he's stopped since we started TTC... and was never very regular anyway. like, once every six months, maybe.) the doc said those are the big causes, but he obviously doesn't think any of them have affected this situation... so he didn't want to jump to any conclusions or take any drastic steps at this point. he said sometimes these things fix themselves over time, and his recommendation is to wait 60-90 days and then have him tested again. he also still wants me to go in for the hystogram, because he wants to cover all of our bases. so i have to call to make that appointment now that i've gotten my period. joy of joys.

he also said, of course, that this doesn't mean i CAN'T get pregnant, but that if it's a consistent circumstance (if the sperm always look and move funny) that it will make it much harder for me to get pregnant. i don't think any of this has sunk in yet, mostly because i am trying to figure out how to share the news with the hubby. i don't want to call him at a client or tell him over email, but i won't see him until about 9:30 tonight and it feels wrong to wait. unless he's forgotten all about getting the results today... which is very possible. so i guess if he doesn't ask, i won't say anything. if he asks, i suppose i'll tell him... because unless i say "everything was fine" he'll know something's up anyway. who knows... maybe he won't be bothered by it, but i feel like men are sensitive about this sort of thing. plus he knows how upset i've been by this whole situation and i don't want him to blame himself or feel guilty about something that's clearly not his fault.

i gotta say, though... secretly... i am glad that it may have nothing to do with me. i don't know why this makes me happy. it feels mean. plus it doesn't really matter in the long run. if he can't make a baby we are not going to have a baby of our own. i would never want to be inseminated with someone else's junk. we'll adopt and that will be fine. so the turnout for me is exactly the same as if i was the one with an issue, but somehow it feels better that it's not my "fault." which i'm sure is exactly how he would feel, too. man, this is complicated stuff. thank the stars i have therapy this afternoon...