and so it begins...

my husband and i are trying to have a baby. as of... yesterday.

before i say anything else, i should say that for many, many years i didn't think that i'd ever be in this position. not because i thought there was any reason i couldn't get pregnant, or because i didn't have a partner, but because i didn't want to have children. i realize this isn't an anomaly... i know other people who don't want kids. but i love kids. i've worked with kids since i was a teenager, as a camp counselor, day care worker, and as a teacher and educational consultant as an adult. my friends and family laughed at me when i said i didn't want to be a parent. everyone said i'd change my mind. but i remained adamant until about three years ago that i absolutely didn't want to have kids of my own. i have a cat and a dog that have given me a lot of perspective on the demands of caring for other living beings. i wasn't sure i could (or wanted to) take on any more responsibility than that. i wasn't sure this world was a place i wanted to bring more humans into. i just didn't see it happening for me.

what changed? i'm not entirely sure. partly it was my friends starting to have children, and my participating in the joy and wonder that have accompanied their parenthood. a more optimistic outlook on life than possessed by my younger, wild and often angry self has helped. finding someone i wanted to marry (another thing i was never sure i'd do), someone who definitely wanted kids, put the glimmer of possibility into my mind. at that point i thought i'd be willing to adopt, but that i didn't want or need to have my own kids. (it's like adopting rescue dogs and cats, right? there are so many out there already.) and then the biological clock kicked in and did the rest. suddenly i became obsessed with babies. where i used to fawn over puppies on the street and ignore whatever was sitting in the nearby stroller, i found myself cooing at and offering to hold any kid i came into contact with. i thought i was going insane.

and then it got worse. although my partner and i weren't even thinking about having kids, i started to fantasize about it. and cross my fingers every month that i'd somehow end up pregnant. and often get depressed (temporarily, but noticeably) when i got my period. and i started to think... i'm 33. not old, but not getting any younger. if not now...

so we started talking about it. we did some math. (mostly him. i'm terrible at math.) we figured out when i'd need to be pregnant in order to have a kid with time to reasonably think about having a second, if we want to. and we realized that the time was, well... now. the goal is to have a baby by next spring, so i started reading and researching around the new year. (and trying to wean myself off coffee. sigh.) our original plan was to start trying this summer, but after two of my close friends had miscarriages in the past few months, i decided sooner was definitely better than later. after all, we have no idea how long it may take us or what possible problems we may encounter. in the past five years or so, a number of friends and family members have started families. we've heard more than our fair share of trials and tribulations, and while we certainly could find ourselves in the same situation, it would be better for all of that to happen before i start to panic about drying up or whatever.

i've been off of the pill for nearly three years and have become pretty familiar with my cycle and the way that my body actually functions, which was super fascinating after years of being hormonally regulated. i'm fairly confident that i know about when i ovulate, and have done a lot of studying of the best book ever: Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. this week, i let my partner know that he'd better be prepared to have a lot more sex than we've had in awhile... and we started trying, officially, yesterday.

so far i'm just amazed at how all-consuming it has been. i counted down repeatedly all week, making sure i had the timing correct. i stopped drinking coffee and alcohol as soon as my period ended. i started taking Mucinex, which i read helps create some necessary mucus. ahem. and now, well... it's just sex every day for a week or so -- which is not the easiest thing to accomplish given our wildly different sleeping schedules, busy work and social lives, and the fact that we're simultaneously trying to sell our apartment (and just not as young and passionate as we used to be. although... this process so far has been kinda hot, i have to say). it's a bit strange, too, to be actively trying to do what i spent so long trying not to let happen. and i'm not naive enough to think that we're guaranteed success on the first try, but i am prepared to be disappointed if we're not. disappointed, but hopefully still optimistic. so far, the novelty and the relative nonchalance has been pretty fun.