negative

i wish there was another word for test results that wasn't so... negative.

i had a pretty bad couple of hours yesterday after i talked to the nurse, especially because they messed with my mind. when i called to get my results they asked if they could call me back. no explanation. i waited an hour and a half. of course by then my brain had led me to all kinds of conclusions, the winning one being that i was convinced the doctor was going to call to tell me it was positive. but no... the delay was just because they had to check with the doctor first in order to tell me next steps since i didn't start that medication last week. why on earth they couldn't just tell me the test results and then talk to the doctor and call me back with those details, i have no idea.

luckily, i had acupuncture after school. i walked in there pretty damn depressed but walked out feeling mostly okay. the whole experience is so relaxing, and plus he's so good at talking through things in a way that makes me remember the big picture of my life and happiness. he told me that if i wasn't able to get back to the positive frame of mind that i'd been in the past week or so (after my understandable immediate reaction to the bad news) that i should think about whether or not i want to push ahead with all of this right now. he really thinks my state of mind is the most important thing and good things can only come from good perceptions. i told him i would keep that in mind.

and today? i feel pretty okay. i am disappointed, of course. but i'm still hopeful. i'm not looking forward to attempting another IVF cycle, the medications, all of that discomfort and inconvenience. but i still believe it could work for us and at this point i'm still willing to make those sacrifices.

but -- we'll see what happens. i have to go in when i get my period so that they can take a look at my ovaries and see if things are dormant enough to begin stimulation for IVF. my guess is that i'll go on monday. having stopped the progesterone, i should get my period by sunday... and, if not, i may just go in on monday anyway because i will definitely get it that day. i don't want to delay this. hopefully they'll say we're good to give it another shot this cycle. if that's not the case, i think we'll be looking at post-christmas. i'd rather not wait that long. i'd rather not lose out on the insurance money that expires on dec. 31. but i knew that was a risk. and i'm not freaking out. all good, for now.