i have to say i was pretty excited to go to the doctor this morning and see how many follicles were developing after all of these monster doses of meds. the injection last night didn't hurt as badly as the first one, though it still wasn't fun and my leg is quite sore today. i took the advice of some folks online who suggested refrigerating the meds and also letting the syringe sit for a few minutes after mixing it to let things settle. today i still feel like someone has punched me -- now in BOTH legs -- but either i'm getting used to it or it's not as painful.
then again, i'm pretty distracted by the bad news i got this morning.
on monday, if you recall, the doc was disappointed that i only had four follicles developing -- hence the start of the stronger medication. today i STILL only have four follicles. and one of them has continued to develop in spite of me taking the medication that was supposed to halt it. which means that, most likely, nothing else is going to happen this cycle. when the doctor who did my ultrasound/sonogram saw this, she immediately asked how old i am, which indicated to me that my body wasn't responding as it should for someone my age. she said they'd have to look over my records and see, but that they might recommend doing another IUI and waiting until next cycle to try IVF again. four follicles just isn't enough.
this was crushing. i started crying as soon as she left the room, and cried on and off for the next hour. miserable.
then i got to talk to the big head honcho doctor (the director of the institute) again; he looked over all of my charts and said that he definitely didn't think we should do IVF this cycle. he said it would be a waste of money with only four follicles. he said that this response was quite poor for someone my age, so his theory is that this is just a bad month. perhaps if we need to do another cycle, my ovary response would be better. i realize that this makes sense, but it isn't really based on anything other than hopefulness and general statistics about my age. he has no way of knowing that my body won't respond exactly the same way if we did all of this again.
he recommended converting this cycle to another IUI and going from there. since i have four follicles, it's a good opportunity for IUI. i never had more than three. the bad news is that the hubby is going out of town tonight and - based on the size of the one large follicle - the IUI needs to happen pretty soon, possibly tomorrow. so after sobbing my way out of the hospital, i had to run back home to deliver a specimen cup and cryo-preservation consent forms to the hubby so that he could drop off a sample today for them to freeze and have for the IUI. i ended up sobbing some more as i explained everything to him. i don't remember the last time i cried so much. i think it's a combination of the disappointment of having been so hopeful about IVF and also fears that my body is just too old or too dysfunctional for all of this. which makes me worried it won't ever work.
the hubby reminded me if it doesn't ever work that we can still adopt the little korean babies that i often talk about. also true. also viable. but not what i wanted to think about this morning. one thing at a time.
so -- tonight i give myself another painful Repronex injection and go back in tomorrow to see if i'm ready for IUI. if not tomorrow, it will be friday. and then another two-week wait to see if somehow, maybe, the 5th time will be the charm. i will try to remain positive about this. but i won't lie. it sucks. it really, really, really sucks.
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