i spent this week kind of living in the same state of mind that i was last time i wrote. i've been paying attention to my body and operating on the assumption that i am growing a baby inside of me. it no longer feels scary to give myself that hope. it feels necessary. either for this theoretical pregnancy or another one in the future, it feels like this is the mindset that i need. and i'm listening to that.
in the past i have felt like after the IUI procedure -- or, at least, after the 24 hours or so afterwards -- that it was just a done deal and that all there was to do was wait. it seemed interminable and impossible that there could be such a long period of radio silence from my body when there was no way to know if it had worked or not. but actually, this isn't true at all. of course fertilization should happen within a day or two of the insemination, but it doesn't end there. i knew this, of course, on an intellectual level... but it was never a part of my consciousness during the two-week wait.
this two-week wait doesn't just feel like two weeks of agonizing waiting. i've been thinking all along about what might be happening in my body and believing that it really may be. implantation should be occurring sometime in the past/next couple of days. i've just been imagining it and sort of coaching it along. telling my uterine lining to be ready, telling the baby what a sweet life it'll have if it sticks around, that sort of thing. and visualizing my body being the right environment for all of this to take place. it's a very, very different mindset than i've had at any other time in this process. and i know it may seem silly, or pointless, or like i'm setting myself up for even greater disappointment. but it really doesn't. it just feels right.
it's not that i've noticed anything physical that seems to indicate pregnancy. i have felt about the same as i have any other cycle that we've done IUI, i think. tired from the progesterone. SO tired. some cramps the past few days, mostly pulling/tugging sensations on my lower left side. i've read that some people had those when they were pregnant, but i'm pretty sure i've also had them before. my boobs and especially my nipples are super sore. but that's happened before, too. my stomach feels kind of off after i eat, but that's likely from all the medication. so no -- i don't have any hard and fast reason to believe that this time actually worked. and, to be honest, i don't know if i have much of an intuitive sense that it did, either. i just feel that if it's going to work, i need to believe that it's going to work. and so i am.
yesterday i went to acupuncture, and that was the most encouraging thing that's happened. my acupuncturist was really happy that i decided not to start the Ganirelix, and told me that even though i had told him the doctor's explanation last time that he was dubious about it being the right course of action. he also said that he's had great success with patients who took a break from the medication between cycles and he was in full support of that. i told him that i have been paying attention to my body and taking care of myself, prioritizing well-being over work and stress, etc., but i didn't really explain my whole visualizing and "believing" situation. i guess it felt a little silly. i just said i felt that we had a good chance with this IUI and that i was feeling positive about it.
it all felt like a normal session. but then he listened to my pulses and said that my left one could be indicating pregnancy, but that my right one wasn't clear. and then he sprang into action. my treatment was totally different than it's been before. he told me that he wants to start me on some herbal treatment that will help sustain the pregnancy over the next few weeks if i am pregnant. he called a prescription into a pharmacy in china town for me. the needles that he used yesterday were in some very different places than where he usually targets, and he also did a lot of feeling my kidneys and paying attention to different parts of my body. my hunch is that he thinks i could be pregnant but he didn't want to really come out and say that to me, for obvious and understandable reasons.
and so while i wish i could know sooner if this attempt was successful, i am content with letting things take their course. i may try an early-detection home pregnancy test this week prior to the blood test on friday. but in the meantime... i'm okay. i really am. just help me out and think some encouraging thoughts about my uterus in the next few days, alright?
No comments:
Post a Comment