i believe today marks the day i've moved into a new phase of dealing with this whole process: empowerment. not a bad feeling, i have to say.
i went back to the doctor yesterday so that they could confirm that i ovulated as predicted (i did). when they did the ultrasound it was clear that some of the follicles had collapsed (meaning they hopefully released eggs and then dissipated) but also that i had two follicles that were still big and fat. now, this doesn't mean that they will ovulate. they won't. once the hormone shift happens that's impossible. but it means that this was just a really wacky cycle and that my body is still responding to the medications despite being off of them for days. they told me to come back on friday and that we'd see when it was time to start the ovulation-suppressant, Ganirelix, in prep for my next cycle of IVF. i said, "if i'm not pregnant, we'll do IVF." and she said, "of course. if you're not pregnant." it felt a little bit like that scene in The Princess Bride when Prince Humperdinck is pretending he had sent ships to search for Buttercup's beloved Westley:
Humperdinck: Ahhh, my dulcet darling. Tonight, we marry. Tomorrow morning your men will escort us to Florin channel, where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
Buttercup: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean. [pause] Every ship but the four you sent.
Humperdinck:Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally not those four.
it's like the possibility that i could be pregnant from the IUI is all just pretend except in my pretty little head, and everyone else is already assuming we'll do another IVF cycle.
last time i was pretty skeptical, too, and running on the same assumption. well, i'm not letting that happen this time. because, in my pretty little head, i think we have a damn good chance that it worked.
so i did a lot of research about Ganirelix last night and found out (not surprisingly) that you are not supposed to take it if you are pregnant. AND that at a lot of fertility clinics they don't let patients go right from one assisted attempt to another, especially if IVF is involved -- they require women to take a cycle off to get their bodies off of the drugs and start up on the new ones for the next try. on one hand, i'm pleased that my doctors will rush things along. less waiting, more apparent progress. but on the other hand, i don't like the assumption that the IUI was just a feeble attempt to salvage a cycle and that it didn't really count. i also really don't like the idea of taking a medication for a week when i could be pregnant that could have a negative effect on the pregnancy. i didn't even think about it last cycle... i just started using Ganirelix when they told me to and didn't even research it. i assumed they had my best interests in mind. but now... i think the push ahead to IVF might be premature.
so i said no.
i called Dr. B. this morning and we had a nice chat. he repeated some of the things that we'd talked about on friday -- to reassure me, i assume -- and told me that he had checked my hormone levels again from the bloodwork and that my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels were normal, leading him to believe that this cycle was indeed a fluke and that i'd respond better another time, if needed. he also echoed what i'd read online: that many women respond better after taking a "breather" -- a cycle off to let their bodies balance out before starting the injections again. i told him that i wasn't sure if i needed to take a breather, but that i'm not comfortable taking the Ganirelix until we know for sure if I'm pregnant or not. he agreed that this IUI had a great chance of being successful and that if my intuition is telling me not to rush ahead, then we should listen to that. and he said that we can see how my ovaries are looking if i do get my period and assess if it's possible to start an IVF cycle then or not. we'll play it by ear, as they say.
i'm comfortable with this scenario. i realize it might mean losing the insurance money for this calendar year if we can't fit in an IVF cycle before december 31. i'm okay with that. (the hubby is less okay with that, but understands.) the fact that i still have some weird mutant follicles rolling around in my ovaries is not a good sign to me that my body will be ready to start all of that crap again in a couple of weeks. and, honestly... i am feeling really good about our chances of being pregnant this time. i know it's not super likely given that it's our 5th IUI. but let's look at things under a virtual microscope, shall we?
* IUI #1: three follicles, two inseminations: both done prior to ovulation (boo)
* IUI #2: only one follicle (a crazy early developer that they thought was leftover from the previous cycle but were wrong), two inseminations: possibly both before ovulation but timing was ok, they think (i also had a total emotional breakdown the day of 2nd IUI... this was kind of the psycho-emotional low-point of the process) = crazytown
* IUI #3: two follicles, two inseminations: one of the day of ovulation and one the day after
* IUI #4: unstimulated, only one follicle, done prior to ovulation and possibly too early (ultrasound post-ovulation was "inconclusive" in terms of determining precisely when i ovulated)
* IUI #5: three follicles that all seemingly ovulated, one insemination done on day of ovulation
in this light, it's pretty clear to me that these five attempts were not equal. #3 was definitely our best attempt until this last one. and i feel like this one was a really, really good attempt all around, in spite of the frozen specimen and only one shot at it. the timing was absolutely perfect -- i could feel that in my body, which hasn't always been the case. also it was the only time i didn't bleed afterwards, which i attribute to two other important pluses: that one of the best doctors did the procedure, and that i spent the whole day afterwards resting and doing yoga and having acupuncture, generally thinking positively and taking care of myself and even being a little bit superstitious by carrying around voodoo pouches and fertility charms in my pockets. can't hurt, right?
listen, i'm a realist. i am completely aware that IUI just might not work for us because there's something else going wrong that only IVF will reveal. but given the fact that we don't have any concrete reason to believe that that's the case, i'm going to stay optimistic. i am feeling good right now and trying to trust my body which -- if nothing else -- seems to be wanting to break free from the trappings of all of these controlling drugs. those follicles this cycle kept developing regardless of our attempts to slow them down and wait for others to catch up... maybe they were just really determined. i've been trying to picture them saying, "wait -- we've got this. give us one more chance to work on things from the inside." so we'll see. you never know. and if it doesn't happen this time, i will be even more ready to move on to a different route, because I will at least feel that we gave IUI our very best try.
and i feel very confident about my decision not to pump any more substances into my body until we know whether or not it worked. i want to give this one every possible chance of making it. i know, too, that a big part of that is my state of mind, which -- i have to say -- is better than it's been since we started this process. that is one thing that i now feel i really have control of, and i'm so glad.
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