ugh. well, while i don't feel like writing any updates i guess i should.

i went, grudgingly, to the doctor last thursday. the doc told me to come that day because it was about a week before the end of my cycle, so we could get me started on some of the meds in prep for theoretical IVF. she said i definitely ovulated last cycle, my ovaries looked great, and i started the one injection that makes sure the ovaries don't start getting ready for next cycle. they also put me on three antibiotics. the nurse told me they often give them to patients prior to IVF just to make sure there aren't any infections that might complicate things. i asked why i didn't get them last time we tried IVF, and she had no answer. she said maybe they're just pulling out all the stops for me this time since it didn't work last time.

so that was that. until i started bleeding sunday night, at least five days before i should have.

stupid me let myself think for about 12 hours that maybe i was pregnant and it was implantation bleeding. the timing was perfect, but the amount of blood wasn't. i have now sadly realized that it is definitely my period, and that this past cycle was just a royally screwed up one... the shortest one i've had maybe ever. i probably ovulated around day 8, which is early even for me. the hubby and i still did a really good job trying, though... we basically had sex every other day until i went back to work last week. so it still could have worked. but it didn't.

this put me into quite a state. i have been thinking (and feeling!) that my body was regulating and that acupuncture and the herbs were helping and that if we had to do IVF my body was so much more ready for it than it was in the past. but it seems like it's still the same old slightly screwy mess it was before. which i guess bodes better for complete medical intervention like IVF than for us trying on our own, so... so be it.

i went back to the doctor this morning. they said my ovaries look fine and normal for the beginning of my cycle, so there's no reason to think that anything weird or bad happened. i stop the ovary-hostage drug today and am starting the stimulation hormones on thursday. we're starting out again with the less powerful one (Gonal) that i took for all of my IUIs. we started that one for my failed IVF cycle, too, but then they bumped me up to the stronger stuff (Repronex) when it wasn't working. hopefully this time it will work, because Repronex is the one that had me in agony (super painful injection, sore and bruised legs). i do two injections thursday morning, two thursday evening, and then go back on friday to see what's what.

and there we are. i'm feeling a bit less likely to hurl myself from my 4th floor office window today than i was yesterday at this time. which is to say i am still incredibly depressed and frustrated to be back on this rollercoaster. but i know it's the right thing to do, because it's the only way we're going to make any progress in this journey. so i press on.