it's funny to me now that i planned to write a weekly post. perhaps at some point i'll get to that stage in my functionality, but by then weekly posts probably won't be that interesting or necessary. right now i'm pretty pleased that i'm finding the time and energy to write about this first almost month (!!!) since the baby arrived... and i can't decide if that elapsed time feels like much longer or much shorter. or both, somehow.
the first week was a whirlwind. all of our families were in town. we had constant help around the house, which was nice, but it was also really intense to have all of those people there. all the time. the grandparents fought over whose turn it was to hold the baby, and basically he slept 90% of the time. looking back on it now that was sort of a dream. and i think we thought somehow that that was indicative of how his temperament would be, forever. no one told me that newborns are mostly complete and total lumps at first. all i'd heard was the stories of screaming fussy babies and spit-up and poop explosions and no one getting any sleep at night... i was not aware that this doesn't start until week two or three. sigh.
anyway, a week after he was born we had his bris, which was lovely, and then all the family skedaddled. i was initially worried to be on my own with the baby, but for a number of reasons i still haven't been "on my own" all that much. that second week for whatever reason the hubby just didn't have a lot of work. he was home with the babe and i almost every day, and the transition from six or eight adults in the house to just us two wasn't that bad at all. the third week we had a hurricane, and the hubby didn't work again because the city shut down. this week we had a blizzard, and the hubby didn't really work again. so it's looking like week five of the baby's life will find me on my own as a stay at home mom for the first time. at this point, i think i can probably handle it. probably. most of the time. i hope.
it's hard for me to give a step by step of what's happened over these past four weeks so i won't try. i will summarize in categories instead.
EATING
breastfeeding is hard. luckily, that's something i knew going in. i've had enough friends with enough nursing issues to know the hell that i might expect, and thankfully it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as i know it could be. we haven't had any major issues. he latched on well from the first day in the hospital, though he was mostly frustrated by nursing the first couple of days until my milk came in (the night of day four). after that he nursed like a champ. i had bloody and sore nipples (lanolin helped) but eventually that ended. now we sort of have a schedule, most days. the nights are actually pretty awesome for the most part (see more under "sleeping"). occasionally he has a weird nursing day, which is very frustrating, and the past couple of days my nipples have started hurting again because he's doing some weird ass stuff with his latch sometimes that i can't quite figure out. but mostly... it's okay. i learned how to use my breast pump and have pumped enough to give him a bottle the past two days (once the hubby gave it to him, just to see how he did, and tonight my parents babysat while we went OUT, to a BAR, and he took the bottle perfectly once again!). all in all i'm pretty pleased with how that's going. he's putting on weight really well so obviously he's not malnourished. it's pretty cool that i can sustain the life of another creature with something that my body makes all on its own. nature, man. wow.
SLEEPING
we've gotten into a relatively regular nighttime routine over the past week or two. he usually nurses between 11pm and midnight, and then we go to bed. he sleeps until 3 or 4am, we nurse then for 45 minutes to an hour, depending, and then go back to sleep until 6:30 or 7am and then nurse again. the past three nights in a row he has slept in his bassinet after every feeding, which is a big accomplishment. for the first couple of weeks he slept in the bed with me a lot. which, frankly, i love. but i know we don't want to co-sleep officially, and the pediatrician said habits can form even at this young of an age. he needed to get used to sleeping away from "a warm body," and i see how this has made him more relaxed and comfortable overall now that he actually can. so now at night after each time i nurse him i swaddle him and put him down in his bassinet, which is attached to our bed. he's really laying right next to me, just about a foot away. and most of the time he goes right to sleep. sometimes i have to pick him up and comfort him and then put him down again. but three nights running there has been no major fussing, no meltdowns... the hubby doesn't even wake up when i nurse him a lot of the time. fingers crossed that this continues for awhile, at least.
GENERAL BABY CARE
i kinda feel like this hasn't been too challenging for me. i have read a lot about babies and seen a lot of people in action with them. also, despite the amazing calmness of the first week being somewhat of a ruse, this baby does seem to have a fairly easygoing temperament. he's chill like his father as opposed to high strung like his mother. thankfully. when he cries, we almost always know (now) what he's crying about. it's usually rectified within minutes by going through the checklist: hungry? dirty diaper? hot? cold? if none of those things are the issue, we've now learned that he's just having a normal baby freakout (overstimulated or overtired or who knows what), which can be solved within 5-7 minutes at most by swaddling and rocking him. that's it. it is very, very rare that we are at our wits' end wondering what's going on with him for more than a couple of minutes. the rational nature of this pleases both of us a great deal. the hubby, especially, just can't deal with unexplained behavior. i know we'll encounter new challenges in the future as he continues to grow and develop at rapid pace, but i'm quite happy that we're not drowning in these initial stages of parenting.
GENERAL FUNCTIONALITY
i couldn't think of anything else to call the rest of my daily life that doesn't include the above categories. i guess there are diaper changes in there, but those don't really need exposition. overall i feel that i am mostly functioning as a human. this might sound obvious or silly to say, but i have known many parents of newborns and i know that this is an important consideration. i have taken him out for walks in the stroller and in the baby carrier, gone to stores and cafes for parent group meetups, gone out to dinner several times, and had friends over at the house. this weekend my parents made an impromptu visit and insisted we go out tonight and let them watch the baby. it was great. i'm proud that we're as functional as we are. we eat, the dishes get done, the laundry gets done (every freakin' day!), the house stays clean (the cleaning woman helps, of course), and even the pets get fed and walked and played with... though not to the same degree as they are used to. i don't feel like i have anything going on in my life except for the baby and these mundane household chores, but the fact that it's all getting done is a good thing.
i do have my meltdowns. these are partially caused by hormones, i know, and partially by the drastic, irreversible change in my life. as much as pregnancy made me somewhat a slave to my circumstances, i am now 100% a slave to another creature's needs. i no longer have my own schedule or, honestly, life. my wants and needs are secondary to his. there are many times i desperately want to eat or go to the bathroom but can't because he has to do those things first. most of the time i'm okay with this arrangement. i knew what i was signing up for. but there are moments -- almost every day -- when it just feels like too much, or that it's too unfair, or that i just want a little break that i know i can't have. that responsibility can be really overwhelming.
but then i know it's worth it... like this morning, when i got up at 8 knowing he'd sleep at least another couple of hours, and joyfully was getting stuff done around the house without feeling tethered to him... until about 9:30 when i missed him and started thinking about waking him up. i didn't, mind you. but the hubby thought i was absolutely insane for even saying that i sort of missed having him around. "all you talk about is how you don't ever have any time without him, and now you have it!" he said. "what's wrong with you?" well, to me that's evidence that i really love my kid and i know i did the right thing by bringing him into my life. it drives me crazy sometimes that i don't get a break, that my life has become all about him. but then i realize that i wouldn't want it any other way. because parenthood, above all, is amazing so far. by far the best thing i've ever done. maybe the hardest, sure. but he's only four weeks old and it's already so, so worth it.
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