Phase 2

today my Full Fertility Work-up officially began. yes, that means i -- once again -- am not pregnant. and i have to say that this one hit me harder than it has in awhile... possibly the worst yet. but after i spent a good portion of yesterday in a miserable state of mind, i had no choice but to switch gears into Phase 2 of our TTC saga. we tried it on our own, now we enlist the help of the experts. i hoped it wouldn't come to this. i know that's part of the reason i was so, so upset when i got my period yesterday. i didn't want to have to go through this next round of tests and procedures. i would rather not run the risk that we simply have "unexplained infertility" and that we aren't able to rectify the situation easily. but what choice do i have?

i dug out the paperwork we got from the fertility institute and read that if i got my period over the weekend they just wanted me to come in first thing monday morning, so i got myself there at 7am not exactly sure what to expect. i thought i might just schedule all of the upcoming appointments, but they said they could do the bloodwork today (normally done on Day 3 of the cycle). they took 17 vials of blood, which was a bit crazy but not as bad as i worried it might be. they were testing my hormone levels (details here: http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/hormonelevels.html#female), as well as doing some genetic tests (cystic fibrosis, i think, and something else that has slipped my mind already), and a mandatory HIV test. which makes sense, and would probably terrify me if it was my first but luckily (or unluckily, i guess) i've been tested for HIV several times in my life already. i won't get any of these results back until we have our "discussion meeting" after this whole battery of tests is done and the doc presents us with our options.

after they sucked out my blood and i had some time to rest in the waiting room, they scheduled the remaining three visits that i need to make over the next couple of weeks. since they open at 7am, i won't have to miss too much school, i'll just come in late a couple of days. next tuesday i go in for the hysterosonography, which is a sonogram that examines the uterus for any weirdness. shouldn't be too terrible. next friday is the super embarrassing post-coital test, which is not at all intrusive other than the fact that the hubby and i MUST have sex the night before so that they can make sure things are doing what they should be in the aftermath, and that kind of pressure doesn't always work well for him. but that *should* be right around ovulation time anyway, so hopefully we'll be in the groove already. and then the following friday is the one thing that i know won't be at all fun... the endometrial biopsy. i've had enough biopsies (and many in the nether regions) to know about what to expect from that procedure, and since it's a parent-teacher conference day i will just stay home after that one's over, and will have the weekend to recover.

progress always feels good, to an extent. it's certainly a brighter day than yesterday. of course i'd rather be pregnant right now. but i'm still optimistic that it can happen, and that -- one way or another -- we will be fine. i don't think i'd be handling any of this so well if it wasn't for the support system that i have. my family, friends, and co-workers and their love and understanding mean the world to me. not only does it make life brighter in general and help me to realize that even if we can't have children our lives have so much meaning, but it also helps so much to know how many people out there care for us and are sending us love and positive energy as we deal with this.

i found out this morning that my boss and his wife went through the same struggles trying to have their two daughters, and he assured me that he completely understands and that, especially in our field, "kids come first." while it might seem counterintuitive, being surrounded by so many beautiful and amazing children every day does help me to focus on the big picture. i'm making a difference in the world already. and while the fact that i don't have my own children sometimes breaks my heart, the fact that it's the one thing in life that i can honestly say is eluding me is more of a proud and grateful realization than a downer. i couldn't have a better situation in which to deal with all of this. so bring it on.